Just wanted to share (my partner has cPTSD and hasn't received adequate support for it yet). My partner, or maybe I should now call him my friend, or perhaps he isn't anything anymore, I seem to be the only one participating right now. Anyway, my partner has been super overworked at his job the past 3 months. He got saddled with a lot of extra responsibility, and although he appreciates the challenge/opportunity, he is also aware that it is way too much work for one person. It's a teaching-related position. The semester ended on Dec 20th. I realize that his pattern after being stressed is to completely crash afterwards, which is what I assume is happening now.
So, here's the thing. We had gone out to eat the last weekend of November and had a conversation about our relationship. With these conversations, I am the one who brings up the topic of our relationship (he used to sometimes bring it up also, in the early days, but not anymore), and he usually gets overwhelmed quickly and ends up acting angry towards me (I realize it's trauma) and that I'm the "bad guy" for having the audacity to bring up anything about our (fairly unhealthy) relationship of 6 years. Anyway, this time I learned (1) He prefers if I bring up the subject at the beginning of our date, so that there is time to talk about other positive things after that topic, so that his (and my) mood doesn't spiral after our date. I'm fine with that, and I don't mind doing that next time. (2) He finds the holidays to be stressful for him. So, although he invited me to a family holiday gathering several years ago (and it was a super positive experience and folks got along with me and I got along with them, and he seemed to also be enjoying himself), he does not want to invite me to any future holiday things at this time. He is very grumpy around holidays and prefers to work during the holidays so he doesn't have to engage with people. Even when he calls me and tells me that he had a great time with his niece visiting and they went to a play and it was a very positive and touching experience for him, he automatically erases that memory the next time the holidays come around. Also, it does not matter one shred that it would be meaningful to ME or help ME to feel like he WANTS ME IN HIS LIFE if he would include me in some family things around the holidays. But, no. When I ask about it enough in advance that we could make plans, he ignores me, deflects, or simply sits there and says nothing, as if I hadn't just asked him a direct question. So, that's not likely to change until he's willing to do therapy. And (3) He told me on our date that we should re-visit our relationship conversation in 2 weeks. That sounded promising to me, like he was making a promise. Well, about a day or two before the 2-week mark, he attended the wedding of my cousin as my guest. This was a big deal for me because (a) he had not ever met almost anyone in my family before, and (b) he had expressed genuine interest in attending as my guest, and so I wanted to make it a very positive experience for him. It went pretty well. He seemed to be in his element during dinner. He also enjoyed snooping around the venue which was an old mansion and trying to figure out the history. He met my mom and my aunt and various other relatives, which was good (if fairly brief). I was feeling like the experience was going well. We hadn't talked ahead of time about when to leave, or if he was open to dancing with me, or if I should introduce him as my boyfriend or my friend (he has issues about intimacy, I don't). So, I punted on what label to give him so I just introduced him by his name or as "my friend _____." I figured he probably wouldn't want to dance, but I didn't realize he wouldn't want to even slow dance, which doesn't actually involve much besides holding each other and swooshing around a little on the dance floor (but, that's intimacy, and intimacy seems to scare the shit out of him). And then he was pressuring me to leave early, at 8pm, right as the post-dinner relatively chill music and dancing was getting going. The wedding went until 10pm. I didn't know what to do, so I negotiated for an awkward extra 20 minutes which he reluctantly said yes to. He didn't want to join me back in the room where the music and dancing was happening (it was pretty chill in there) and told me to go ahead and enjoy myself. I was feeling a lot of conflicted feelings but was trying to work myself up to do some more mingling with people who I wanted to talk to. He later made his way back into the room and sat next to my mom. A relative pointed out that he was sitting one table away from me, so I went over to sit next to him. He seemed to be winding down. I knew that he really was looking forward to driving me home, and I also knew that I didn't want to miss that chance of having some quality time alone together. But I also didn't want to leave the wedding and cut my quality time with family short (family that I don't get to see very often either). If we had a solid relationship and if I knew that he was really my boyfriend and was happy to make some sort of commitment to being in a relationship with me, I would have said "why don't you go home since you're bushed, I'd like to stay and visit with people here a bit longer. Is there a day this week when we can reconnect?" But, I don't feel secure about our relationship at all. Because of his fear of intimacy and mixed messages and all that related infuriating stuff. So, because I wanted this to be a positive experience for him, I didn't speak up and I went home early with him. We had a nice (if superficial) chat on the way home. I invited him up to my place, but he always declines these days. He hasn't come up to visit for years (unless we're switching out the air conditioner in my window). I said that next time he should consider it, because I even have extra new toothbrushes that he can use. He expressed some amusement at that, but also didn't come up. Maybe one day.
I figured he'd need a few days to process after the wedding, since that's a lot of stimulation and new information to digest. I just didn't think he'd be completely 100% ignoring me for the last 10 days. Sorry, he didn't 100% ignore me. He declined my offer to go out for breakfast the day after the wedding. On Dec 17th he sent m a sign of life and that he was still swamped with work. This past Wednesday he expressed some sort of support/alarm at the news that my employer is getting closer and closer to going out of business, and also shared that he was starting the de-stressing process that day.
Since the "de-stressing phase" had started, I didn't expect much from him, and I tried not to reach out much either. If I did, it was usually just to share something amusing with him, which he seems to like. But he didn't talk to me Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, or Today. I dropped off his birthday/xmas present this morning and didn't ring the doorbell or expect him to greet me or anything because I figured he was still de-stressing from work/wedding/trying to avoid holiday stress I guess. Who knows. I am assuming he will completely 100% ignore me on Christmas as well, because that is how he likes to treat me on Christmas the last several years. He does not care about my feelings in that regard. He gets to make all of the "rules" in our relationship, and that's not the kind of relationship that I want. I want a relationship of equals, with mutual interest, mutual participation, and mutual respect.
I just feel completely hopeless about it. Nothing that I do works. All he does is push me away as much as possible. He only wants to keep things at a very superficial, non-intimate level. He'll "show up" for a day or two, or maybe even have a whole week of good vibes and good communication, but that will be followed by 7 days, 10 days, 2 weeks or more of straight up ignoring me and pushing me away. On our last date, when we were talking about our relationship, he had spontaneously brought up seeing a couples therapist. That gave me a big burst of hope - maybe he's been thinking about that - and that would be AMAZING if we could do that. I would LOVE to revisit that topic together.
I just don't think I can hold on for much longer. I don't know when he'll "come back" to the relationship and "pop up" again. All I know is that I don't want to do another full year of this kind of situation where he treats me like garbage (like I don't exist and don't matter to him) and then comes back and acts like there's no problem and starts sending me mixed signals again. I deserve better than that. I just don't know how to let go. I think I will have to speak up to him before I decide to let go. But, that's also what I always say. I always say "I just want to have a conversation with him about our relationship before I call it quits." And when I do get the nerve to bring it up, he gets overwhelmed and directs his anger at me like I'm some sort of a villain.
Anyway, this Christmas is shaping up to have lots of grief and lots of tears. Just like the last few Christmases of him pushing me away. I'm not Christian, I'm divorced, and my Jewish family doesn't live in this state, and I'm broke AF so it's not easy for me to get out and visit them this winter. I'm just sad and disappointed and feeling hopeless and unloved (by him). I try to cheer myself up by finding other positive things to do and by reaching out to people who aren't afraid to let me know that they like me just like I like them. I know I have to sound the alarm to him about our relationship, that "this has to change or the relationship is going to end very soon." I'm willing to participate. I just need to see some commitment from him as well. I won't do this alone anymore. It's total BS and I deserve someone who loves me back. Period. I've told him so many times that I don't play games. It seems that he only knows how to play this one game: showing interest in a potential partner, getting them hooked, and then getting scared shitless when things start to get too intimate and real. I feel empathy for his situation. But I also deserve to be in a healthy and loving relationship.
So, here's the thing. We had gone out to eat the last weekend of November and had a conversation about our relationship. With these conversations, I am the one who brings up the topic of our relationship (he used to sometimes bring it up also, in the early days, but not anymore), and he usually gets overwhelmed quickly and ends up acting angry towards me (I realize it's trauma) and that I'm the "bad guy" for having the audacity to bring up anything about our (fairly unhealthy) relationship of 6 years. Anyway, this time I learned (1) He prefers if I bring up the subject at the beginning of our date, so that there is time to talk about other positive things after that topic, so that his (and my) mood doesn't spiral after our date. I'm fine with that, and I don't mind doing that next time. (2) He finds the holidays to be stressful for him. So, although he invited me to a family holiday gathering several years ago (and it was a super positive experience and folks got along with me and I got along with them, and he seemed to also be enjoying himself), he does not want to invite me to any future holiday things at this time. He is very grumpy around holidays and prefers to work during the holidays so he doesn't have to engage with people. Even when he calls me and tells me that he had a great time with his niece visiting and they went to a play and it was a very positive and touching experience for him, he automatically erases that memory the next time the holidays come around. Also, it does not matter one shred that it would be meaningful to ME or help ME to feel like he WANTS ME IN HIS LIFE if he would include me in some family things around the holidays. But, no. When I ask about it enough in advance that we could make plans, he ignores me, deflects, or simply sits there and says nothing, as if I hadn't just asked him a direct question. So, that's not likely to change until he's willing to do therapy. And (3) He told me on our date that we should re-visit our relationship conversation in 2 weeks. That sounded promising to me, like he was making a promise. Well, about a day or two before the 2-week mark, he attended the wedding of my cousin as my guest. This was a big deal for me because (a) he had not ever met almost anyone in my family before, and (b) he had expressed genuine interest in attending as my guest, and so I wanted to make it a very positive experience for him. It went pretty well. He seemed to be in his element during dinner. He also enjoyed snooping around the venue which was an old mansion and trying to figure out the history. He met my mom and my aunt and various other relatives, which was good (if fairly brief). I was feeling like the experience was going well. We hadn't talked ahead of time about when to leave, or if he was open to dancing with me, or if I should introduce him as my boyfriend or my friend (he has issues about intimacy, I don't). So, I punted on what label to give him so I just introduced him by his name or as "my friend _____." I figured he probably wouldn't want to dance, but I didn't realize he wouldn't want to even slow dance, which doesn't actually involve much besides holding each other and swooshing around a little on the dance floor (but, that's intimacy, and intimacy seems to scare the shit out of him). And then he was pressuring me to leave early, at 8pm, right as the post-dinner relatively chill music and dancing was getting going. The wedding went until 10pm. I didn't know what to do, so I negotiated for an awkward extra 20 minutes which he reluctantly said yes to. He didn't want to join me back in the room where the music and dancing was happening (it was pretty chill in there) and told me to go ahead and enjoy myself. I was feeling a lot of conflicted feelings but was trying to work myself up to do some more mingling with people who I wanted to talk to. He later made his way back into the room and sat next to my mom. A relative pointed out that he was sitting one table away from me, so I went over to sit next to him. He seemed to be winding down. I knew that he really was looking forward to driving me home, and I also knew that I didn't want to miss that chance of having some quality time alone together. But I also didn't want to leave the wedding and cut my quality time with family short (family that I don't get to see very often either). If we had a solid relationship and if I knew that he was really my boyfriend and was happy to make some sort of commitment to being in a relationship with me, I would have said "why don't you go home since you're bushed, I'd like to stay and visit with people here a bit longer. Is there a day this week when we can reconnect?" But, I don't feel secure about our relationship at all. Because of his fear of intimacy and mixed messages and all that related infuriating stuff. So, because I wanted this to be a positive experience for him, I didn't speak up and I went home early with him. We had a nice (if superficial) chat on the way home. I invited him up to my place, but he always declines these days. He hasn't come up to visit for years (unless we're switching out the air conditioner in my window). I said that next time he should consider it, because I even have extra new toothbrushes that he can use. He expressed some amusement at that, but also didn't come up. Maybe one day.
I figured he'd need a few days to process after the wedding, since that's a lot of stimulation and new information to digest. I just didn't think he'd be completely 100% ignoring me for the last 10 days. Sorry, he didn't 100% ignore me. He declined my offer to go out for breakfast the day after the wedding. On Dec 17th he sent m a sign of life and that he was still swamped with work. This past Wednesday he expressed some sort of support/alarm at the news that my employer is getting closer and closer to going out of business, and also shared that he was starting the de-stressing process that day.
Since the "de-stressing phase" had started, I didn't expect much from him, and I tried not to reach out much either. If I did, it was usually just to share something amusing with him, which he seems to like. But he didn't talk to me Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, or Today. I dropped off his birthday/xmas present this morning and didn't ring the doorbell or expect him to greet me or anything because I figured he was still de-stressing from work/wedding/trying to avoid holiday stress I guess. Who knows. I am assuming he will completely 100% ignore me on Christmas as well, because that is how he likes to treat me on Christmas the last several years. He does not care about my feelings in that regard. He gets to make all of the "rules" in our relationship, and that's not the kind of relationship that I want. I want a relationship of equals, with mutual interest, mutual participation, and mutual respect.
I just feel completely hopeless about it. Nothing that I do works. All he does is push me away as much as possible. He only wants to keep things at a very superficial, non-intimate level. He'll "show up" for a day or two, or maybe even have a whole week of good vibes and good communication, but that will be followed by 7 days, 10 days, 2 weeks or more of straight up ignoring me and pushing me away. On our last date, when we were talking about our relationship, he had spontaneously brought up seeing a couples therapist. That gave me a big burst of hope - maybe he's been thinking about that - and that would be AMAZING if we could do that. I would LOVE to revisit that topic together.
I just don't think I can hold on for much longer. I don't know when he'll "come back" to the relationship and "pop up" again. All I know is that I don't want to do another full year of this kind of situation where he treats me like garbage (like I don't exist and don't matter to him) and then comes back and acts like there's no problem and starts sending me mixed signals again. I deserve better than that. I just don't know how to let go. I think I will have to speak up to him before I decide to let go. But, that's also what I always say. I always say "I just want to have a conversation with him about our relationship before I call it quits." And when I do get the nerve to bring it up, he gets overwhelmed and directs his anger at me like I'm some sort of a villain.
Anyway, this Christmas is shaping up to have lots of grief and lots of tears. Just like the last few Christmases of him pushing me away. I'm not Christian, I'm divorced, and my Jewish family doesn't live in this state, and I'm broke AF so it's not easy for me to get out and visit them this winter. I'm just sad and disappointed and feeling hopeless and unloved (by him). I try to cheer myself up by finding other positive things to do and by reaching out to people who aren't afraid to let me know that they like me just like I like them. I know I have to sound the alarm to him about our relationship, that "this has to change or the relationship is going to end very soon." I'm willing to participate. I just need to see some commitment from him as well. I won't do this alone anymore. It's total BS and I deserve someone who loves me back. Period. I've told him so many times that I don't play games. It seems that he only knows how to play this one game: showing interest in a potential partner, getting them hooked, and then getting scared shitless when things start to get too intimate and real. I feel empathy for his situation. But I also deserve to be in a healthy and loving relationship.
