Note: These "family members" are people who I am not related to by blood or law. They are people who took me in and groomed me when I was 16 after dating their son
So,
When I was 16 I met my chosen mother and father after dating their foster son. They took me in as their own because I was homeless and still call me their daughter to this day. Really weird. I do not identify them as family anymore.
Five years ago. I got engaged. A man I saw as my uncle (we'll call him Gavin) (he is a few years older than me, and I see/saw him as my uncle because his sister is like a mother to me) told me he wanted to hang out and get to know me before I moved across the country to my husband who is in the US Navy. We had hung out before at family events and holidays and he never tried anything then.
When I got to his house, he explained how glad he was that I escaped the abusive relationship I had with his nephew. He then shared how his ex-girlfriend had hurt him badly and caused him to OD. He then started asking invasive questions about my fiancé and asked if it was a good idea. He also suggested that my fiancé could hurt me, cheat on me, neglect me, and abuse me. He mentioned that I barely know my fiancé. He then went off to say that he used to have a crush on me. I politely avoided that subject and then he went off to say how depressed he was. I was able to change the conversation to something less uncomfortable and then he brought up his attraction towards me again. I was able to dodge that too.
After some small talk, I quickly asked if I could go home because it was getting late (I was extremely uncomfortable, and wanted to leave. But I had no license or car or money for Uber)
He said he couldn't take me home and I'd have to stay there for the night. I expressed distaste in that idea but he insisted. So I stayed. I slept on the couch, and he slept in his bed (studio apartment)
After a while lying on the couch, I began to silently cry because of all the stress and anxiety the previous discussion had caused me. He heard me sniffling and got up and walked over to the couch. I was turned facing the wall and before I knew it he was grabbing me to pick me up. I began shaking and he put me on the bed with his arms around me. I wasn't able to say anything, but I remember feeling very very uncomfortable and scared. I was able to turn away from him and for some reason he took that as a green light. (I assume bc my backside) he got on top of me and I turned to lay on my back. I put my hands on his chest trying to push him, but I was so horribly weak I could barely do anything. He took off my pants and penetration happened, but I started absolutely bawling and he backed off.
I told him that was not okay and that I was extremely uncomfortable and to never do that again. EVER. He apologized profusely and said that doing that made him want to end his life and said that he had the impression I was okay with it. He stayed in the bed and I went back to the couch. And left in the morning. I didn't tell my fiance because I was scared that he would blame me and I felt disgusting that my uncle had touched me.
I went for months no contact. I kind of felt bad and blamed myself because maybe if I had been more aggressive at his words, he wouldn't have done what he did. Halloween rolled around and he contacted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a Halloween party. I said sure, as long as I don't have to sleep at your house or be alone with you at your house. He agreed. I got ready and dressed and then opened my phone to a text that he needed my help with his makeup.
I came over, and he didn't need help with my makeup, but he didn't make any advances then. I was relieved and felt a little more comfortable. We went to the first party. A really bad situation happened there with another guest the second we got there. The guest had hurt me severely in the past and had been waiting for revenge. I ran out the door leaving him there. Gavin ended up meeting me about a quarter mile away from the party house at a restaurant I ran to. He arranged for us to go to another party and there I indulged in drink and drugs, trying to quench my anxiety from the previous party.
I don't remember exactly what happened that night, but I remember getting to his apartment somehow and having flashes of stuff happening. I woke up there the next morning and something just felt off and physically uncomfortable. Then went home and went no contact again.
A long time passed. And I had been married to my husband for around 1-2 years now. And he contacted me asking if I was okay. My husband had cheated on me, had abused me. Gavin had basically called it. So I said I wasn't okay. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, I said sure. We talked about it and he was very kind and helpful about the situation. Months later I was to the point where I was suicidal about the situation, and he came and picked me up. And we talked about it. I was ugly crying and freaking out, beside myself. And Gavin started massaging my shoulders. I dropped my head. And he grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. I shook my head no. And he stopped.
A year passes, and I hang out with him again, I have partaken in the smoking of weed, and he advances on me, and I think it's this MARVELOUS idea to pretend that I like it to see if that will make him stop or at least give me a sense of control in the matter. I hate myself for this because he just got extremely violent with it and seemed to enjoy it more and at that point, I was scared to show any level of distaste. I was scared I was going to make him angry. But eventually I was able to get him to stop by saying that I was having chest pain.
After each of these times, I told him I was uncomfortable and told him to never advance on me again. But he tried practically every time after. I feel disgusted by how I handled the situation. I always wonder WHY I handled it the way I did. Every time I have brought up the rape/assault to Gavin he quickly corrects me with "cheated on your husband". Im at a loss. If I did, I want to tell my husband.
After the first time this happened, I tried to tell his sister (someone like a mother to me) and she kind of just laughed it off and brushed it off.
A few months ago, it came to light what Gavin did. I explained to his friend what he did and she became very scared of him and then when he found out she switched to saying it was my fault (according to Gavin). Gavin says if I am going to dress the way I dress or get drunk, I need to toughen up. He said I sent mixed signals. It was my responsibility to say no. And that he didn't rape me, he "seduced" me.
My main fear is that this is going to ruin my marriage and myself. I let my husband know what happened. He said he blamed me for hanging out with him after the first time. Sometimes I blame myself too, so I don't blame him. But I want to know if I did something wrong or if I was sexually assaulted. Mainly because I kept hanging out and being kind to this person.
I just need some clarity on the situation. This is really clouding my head recently. I am prepared for any type of feedback. I just need to know how to handle the situation and know if any of this is my fault so I can prevent it from happening in the future. Any advice is appreciated, even if you think I might not like it.
Note: If you can provide any explanation or give me science as to why I kept hanging out with this person or why I didn't fight, or why anything happened the way it did. I would really appreciate it.
So,
When I was 16 I met my chosen mother and father after dating their foster son. They took me in as their own because I was homeless and still call me their daughter to this day. Really weird. I do not identify them as family anymore.
Five years ago. I got engaged. A man I saw as my uncle (we'll call him Gavin) (he is a few years older than me, and I see/saw him as my uncle because his sister is like a mother to me) told me he wanted to hang out and get to know me before I moved across the country to my husband who is in the US Navy. We had hung out before at family events and holidays and he never tried anything then.
When I got to his house, he explained how glad he was that I escaped the abusive relationship I had with his nephew. He then shared how his ex-girlfriend had hurt him badly and caused him to OD. He then started asking invasive questions about my fiancé and asked if it was a good idea. He also suggested that my fiancé could hurt me, cheat on me, neglect me, and abuse me. He mentioned that I barely know my fiancé. He then went off to say that he used to have a crush on me. I politely avoided that subject and then he went off to say how depressed he was. I was able to change the conversation to something less uncomfortable and then he brought up his attraction towards me again. I was able to dodge that too.
After some small talk, I quickly asked if I could go home because it was getting late (I was extremely uncomfortable, and wanted to leave. But I had no license or car or money for Uber)
He said he couldn't take me home and I'd have to stay there for the night. I expressed distaste in that idea but he insisted. So I stayed. I slept on the couch, and he slept in his bed (studio apartment)
After a while lying on the couch, I began to silently cry because of all the stress and anxiety the previous discussion had caused me. He heard me sniffling and got up and walked over to the couch. I was turned facing the wall and before I knew it he was grabbing me to pick me up. I began shaking and he put me on the bed with his arms around me. I wasn't able to say anything, but I remember feeling very very uncomfortable and scared. I was able to turn away from him and for some reason he took that as a green light. (I assume bc my backside) he got on top of me and I turned to lay on my back. I put my hands on his chest trying to push him, but I was so horribly weak I could barely do anything. He took off my pants and penetration happened, but I started absolutely bawling and he backed off.
I told him that was not okay and that I was extremely uncomfortable and to never do that again. EVER. He apologized profusely and said that doing that made him want to end his life and said that he had the impression I was okay with it. He stayed in the bed and I went back to the couch. And left in the morning. I didn't tell my fiance because I was scared that he would blame me and I felt disgusting that my uncle had touched me.
I went for months no contact. I kind of felt bad and blamed myself because maybe if I had been more aggressive at his words, he wouldn't have done what he did. Halloween rolled around and he contacted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a Halloween party. I said sure, as long as I don't have to sleep at your house or be alone with you at your house. He agreed. I got ready and dressed and then opened my phone to a text that he needed my help with his makeup.
I came over, and he didn't need help with my makeup, but he didn't make any advances then. I was relieved and felt a little more comfortable. We went to the first party. A really bad situation happened there with another guest the second we got there. The guest had hurt me severely in the past and had been waiting for revenge. I ran out the door leaving him there. Gavin ended up meeting me about a quarter mile away from the party house at a restaurant I ran to. He arranged for us to go to another party and there I indulged in drink and drugs, trying to quench my anxiety from the previous party.
I don't remember exactly what happened that night, but I remember getting to his apartment somehow and having flashes of stuff happening. I woke up there the next morning and something just felt off and physically uncomfortable. Then went home and went no contact again.
A long time passed. And I had been married to my husband for around 1-2 years now. And he contacted me asking if I was okay. My husband had cheated on me, had abused me. Gavin had basically called it. So I said I wasn't okay. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, I said sure. We talked about it and he was very kind and helpful about the situation. Months later I was to the point where I was suicidal about the situation, and he came and picked me up. And we talked about it. I was ugly crying and freaking out, beside myself. And Gavin started massaging my shoulders. I dropped my head. And he grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. I shook my head no. And he stopped.
A year passes, and I hang out with him again, I have partaken in the smoking of weed, and he advances on me, and I think it's this MARVELOUS idea to pretend that I like it to see if that will make him stop or at least give me a sense of control in the matter. I hate myself for this because he just got extremely violent with it and seemed to enjoy it more and at that point, I was scared to show any level of distaste. I was scared I was going to make him angry. But eventually I was able to get him to stop by saying that I was having chest pain.
After each of these times, I told him I was uncomfortable and told him to never advance on me again. But he tried practically every time after. I feel disgusted by how I handled the situation. I always wonder WHY I handled it the way I did. Every time I have brought up the rape/assault to Gavin he quickly corrects me with "cheated on your husband". Im at a loss. If I did, I want to tell my husband.
After the first time this happened, I tried to tell his sister (someone like a mother to me) and she kind of just laughed it off and brushed it off.
A few months ago, it came to light what Gavin did. I explained to his friend what he did and she became very scared of him and then when he found out she switched to saying it was my fault (according to Gavin). Gavin says if I am going to dress the way I dress or get drunk, I need to toughen up. He said I sent mixed signals. It was my responsibility to say no. And that he didn't rape me, he "seduced" me.
My main fear is that this is going to ruin my marriage and myself. I let my husband know what happened. He said he blamed me for hanging out with him after the first time. Sometimes I blame myself too, so I don't blame him. But I want to know if I did something wrong or if I was sexually assaulted. Mainly because I kept hanging out and being kind to this person.
I just need some clarity on the situation. This is really clouding my head recently. I am prepared for any type of feedback. I just need to know how to handle the situation and know if any of this is my fault so I can prevent it from happening in the future. Any advice is appreciated, even if you think I might not like it.
Note: If you can provide any explanation or give me science as to why I kept hanging out with this person or why I didn't fight, or why anything happened the way it did. I would really appreciate it.
. Sounds like a bunch of crap you’ve had to deal with. 
