Sexual Assault Was I Sexually Assaulted, or Did I Cheat?

Moxie

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Note: These "family members" are people who I am not related to by blood or law. They are people who took me in and groomed me when I was 16 after dating their son

So,

When I was 16 I met my chosen mother and father after dating their foster son. They took me in as their own because I was homeless and still call me their daughter to this day. Really weird. I do not identify them as family anymore.

Five years ago. I got engaged. A man I saw as my uncle (we'll call him Gavin) (he is a few years older than me, and I see/saw him as my uncle because his sister is like a mother to me) told me he wanted to hang out and get to know me before I moved across the country to my husband who is in the US Navy. We had hung out before at family events and holidays and he never tried anything then.

When I got to his house, he explained how glad he was that I escaped the abusive relationship I had with his nephew. He then shared how his ex-girlfriend had hurt him badly and caused him to OD. He then started asking invasive questions about my fiancé and asked if it was a good idea. He also suggested that my fiancé could hurt me, cheat on me, neglect me, and abuse me. He mentioned that I barely know my fiancé. He then went off to say that he used to have a crush on me. I politely avoided that subject and then he went off to say how depressed he was. I was able to change the conversation to something less uncomfortable and then he brought up his attraction towards me again. I was able to dodge that too.

After some small talk, I quickly asked if I could go home because it was getting late (I was extremely uncomfortable, and wanted to leave. But I had no license or car or money for Uber)
He said he couldn't take me home and I'd have to stay there for the night. I expressed distaste in that idea but he insisted. So I stayed. I slept on the couch, and he slept in his bed (studio apartment)

After a while lying on the couch, I began to silently cry because of all the stress and anxiety the previous discussion had caused me. He heard me sniffling and got up and walked over to the couch. I was turned facing the wall and before I knew it he was grabbing me to pick me up. I began shaking and he put me on the bed with his arms around me. I wasn't able to say anything, but I remember feeling very very uncomfortable and scared. I was able to turn away from him and for some reason he took that as a green light. (I assume bc my backside) he got on top of me and I turned to lay on my back. I put my hands on his chest trying to push him, but I was so horribly weak I could barely do anything. He took off my pants and penetration happened, but I started absolutely bawling and he backed off.

I told him that was not okay and that I was extremely uncomfortable and to never do that again. EVER. He apologized profusely and said that doing that made him want to end his life and said that he had the impression I was okay with it. He stayed in the bed and I went back to the couch. And left in the morning. I didn't tell my fiance because I was scared that he would blame me and I felt disgusting that my uncle had touched me.

I went for months no contact. I kind of felt bad and blamed myself because maybe if I had been more aggressive at his words, he wouldn't have done what he did. Halloween rolled around and he contacted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a Halloween party. I said sure, as long as I don't have to sleep at your house or be alone with you at your house. He agreed. I got ready and dressed and then opened my phone to a text that he needed my help with his makeup.

I came over, and he didn't need help with my makeup, but he didn't make any advances then. I was relieved and felt a little more comfortable. We went to the first party. A really bad situation happened there with another guest the second we got there. The guest had hurt me severely in the past and had been waiting for revenge. I ran out the door leaving him there. Gavin ended up meeting me about a quarter mile away from the party house at a restaurant I ran to. He arranged for us to go to another party and there I indulged in drink and drugs, trying to quench my anxiety from the previous party.

I don't remember exactly what happened that night, but I remember getting to his apartment somehow and having flashes of stuff happening. I woke up there the next morning and something just felt off and physically uncomfortable. Then went home and went no contact again.

A long time passed. And I had been married to my husband for around 1-2 years now. And he contacted me asking if I was okay. My husband had cheated on me, had abused me. Gavin had basically called it. So I said I wasn't okay. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, I said sure. We talked about it and he was very kind and helpful about the situation. Months later I was to the point where I was suicidal about the situation, and he came and picked me up. And we talked about it. I was ugly crying and freaking out, beside myself. And Gavin started massaging my shoulders. I dropped my head. And he grabbed my hand and put it on his crotch. I shook my head no. And he stopped.

A year passes, and I hang out with him again, I have partaken in the smoking of weed, and he advances on me, and I think it's this MARVELOUS idea to pretend that I like it to see if that will make him stop or at least give me a sense of control in the matter. I hate myself for this because he just got extremely violent with it and seemed to enjoy it more and at that point, I was scared to show any level of distaste. I was scared I was going to make him angry. But eventually I was able to get him to stop by saying that I was having chest pain.

After each of these times, I told him I was uncomfortable and told him to never advance on me again. But he tried practically every time after. I feel disgusted by how I handled the situation. I always wonder WHY I handled it the way I did. Every time I have brought up the rape/assault to Gavin he quickly corrects me with "cheated on your husband". Im at a loss. If I did, I want to tell my husband.

After the first time this happened, I tried to tell his sister (someone like a mother to me) and she kind of just laughed it off and brushed it off.

A few months ago, it came to light what Gavin did. I explained to his friend what he did and she became very scared of him and then when he found out she switched to saying it was my fault (according to Gavin). Gavin says if I am going to dress the way I dress or get drunk, I need to toughen up. He said I sent mixed signals. It was my responsibility to say no. And that he didn't rape me, he "seduced" me.

My main fear is that this is going to ruin my marriage and myself. I let my husband know what happened. He said he blamed me for hanging out with him after the first time. Sometimes I blame myself too, so I don't blame him. But I want to know if I did something wrong or if I was sexually assaulted. Mainly because I kept hanging out and being kind to this person.

I just need some clarity on the situation. This is really clouding my head recently. I am prepared for any type of feedback. I just need to know how to handle the situation and know if any of this is my fault so I can prevent it from happening in the future. Any advice is appreciated, even if you think I might not like it.

Note: If you can provide any explanation or give me science as to why I kept hanging out with this person or why I didn't fight, or why anything happened the way it did. I would really appreciate it.
 
Hey 👋. Sounds like a bunch of crap you’ve had to deal with.
Every time I have brought up the rape/assault to Gavin he quickly corrects me with "cheated on your husband"
Not many perpetrators will agree or admit that what they did was rape/assault without a shit-ton of rehabilitation.
My husband had cheated on me, had abused me
That stinks! Has he changed?
if any of this is my fault so I can prevent it from happening in the future
This is a classic coping response with limited success rate depending on the thing you are taking responsibility for. In my opinion, this is something that is best addressed with a good therapist, as it can take a while to unravel.
science as to why I kept hanging out with this person or why I didn't fight,
Familiarity for the first part and exhaustion, unconsciousness, and fear (plus probably conditioning) for the second part based on what you shared.
 
Note: If you can provide any explanation or give me science as to why I kept hanging out with this person or why I didn't fight, or why anything happened the way it did. I would really appreciate it.
It sounds like you lack a stable foundation of people you can rely on for support, so it explains why you gravitated to him when he was being kind to you. You probably did not learn how to identify safe friendships, because from what you posted, you did not have a secure upbringing. Unfortunately, he was being kind to you because he wanted to rape you.

And this will be true in the future as well, no matter how kind he may seem - he is planning on ways to get you alone, so that he can rape you. Because he is a predator. So my advice is to never speak to him again, no matter what. Don't let him wheedle and nag you. If he shows up somewhere that you are at, leave. If he follows you home and won't leave you alone, then he is breaking the law - you are not allowed to harass and intimidate people who do not want you at their home. Call the cops.

A lot of rape victims don't fight - this is just evolutionary. Fighting puts us at more risk, so it is a survival mechanism to just freeze if the situation isn't imminently life-threatening (as fighting back may escalate a non-life threatening situation, into a life-threatening one).

My main fear is that this is going to ruin my marriage
If it does, then it was not a marriage worth keeping. He is treating this as though you cheated on him, which is problematic on its own. Since this was not cheating, you were raped multiple times. But also: your husband has already cheated on you, so by no means does he get to play the double standard card and pretend to give a shit now about marital fidelity.
 
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Note: If you can provide any explanation or give me science as to why I kept hanging out with this person or why I didn't fight, or why anything happened the way it did. I would really appreciate it.
i do not much trust the scientific research i have read on the subject, but the diffs between rape/bad sex/etc remain as confusing to me now in my golden years as the were when i was a child prostitute. ditto for the diffs between selling my body and making love. my clients preferred lovemaking.
 
Hey 👋. Sounds like a bunch of crap you’ve had to deal with.

Not many perpetrators will agree or admit that what they did was rape/assault without a shit-ton of rehabilitation.

That stinks! Has he changed?

This is a classic coping response with limited success rate depending on the thing you are taking responsibility for. In my opinion, this is something that is best addressed with a good therapist, as it can take a while to unravel.

Familiarity for the first part and exhaustion, unconsciousness, and fear (plus probably conditioning) for the second part based on what you shared.
Thank you

Yes, thankfully, he has changed. He's doing such a good job.
 
It sounds like you lack a stable foundation of people you can rely on for support, so it explains why you gravitated to him when he was being kind to you. You probably did not learn how to identify safe friendships, because from what you posted, you did not have a secure upbringing. Unfortunately, he was being kind to you because he wanted to rape you.

And this will be true in the future as well, no matter how kind he may seem - he is planning on ways to get you alone, so that he can rape you. Because he is a predator. So my advice is to never speak to him again, no matter what. Don't let him wheedle and nag you. If he shows up somewhere that you are at, leave. If he follows you home and won't leave you alone, then he is breaking the law - you are not allowed to harass and intimidate people who do not want you at their home. Call the cops.

A lot of rape victims don't fight - this is just evolutionary. Fighting puts us at more risk, so it is a survival mechanism to just freeze if the situation isn't imminently life-threatening (as fighting back may escalate a non-life-threatening situation, into a life-threatening one).


If it does, then it was not a marriage worth keeping. He is treating this as though you cheated on him, which is problematic on its own. Since this was not cheating, you were raped multiple times. But also: your husband has already cheated on you, so by no means does he get to play the double standard card and pretend to give a shit now about marital fidelity.
Regarding that first paragraph, in retrospect, I agree. Just about every time we hung out, he would try something or at least SAY something. I'll be honest, behavior like this was normalized for me. I just feel like shit for continuing to hang out with him once it had already happened once. I was scared of the consequences if I were to stop hanging out with him. But I don't understand how that seemed scarier than what he was already doing.

Regarding the second paragraph, this is so true. It's nice to talk to someone about that understands and can make some sense of it. I've had a hard time getting into a therapist. But thankfully, I have an appointment on Monday! Yeah, I definitely try to stay away from him. However, I do have an extremely hard time leaving when he's present. Not that I don't want to leave. I most definitely do. It just enrages me to have to live in fear and remove myself. This was a big part of my husband and I's argument. He was confused as to why I wouldn't leave if I ran into him in public. He sees it as 'partially' my fault, because not leaving and interacting with him led to him being able to do what he did. I won't lie I almost became obsessed with gaining my power back. That's what it felt like. First, he was very much so able to trick me. Then, after the instance where I pretended like I liked it, I was able to yell at him and get in his face downtown when he approached me. He backed down. It was the highlight of my life, to say the least. But I will say sometimes I feel very stupid, because it feels like if I had been able to yell and get aggressive with him before maybe I could've prevented what happened. I understand that this coping mechanism is fruitless and will result in nothing but causing anxiety. I'm trying to learn better coping skills.

Now, when I see him downtown. I ignore the shit out of him even if he's a few feet away from me. (We have quite a few mutual friends) He seems so bothered and upset. I don't understand why but it fills me with so much power to be able to dismiss him. He is afraid of tarnishing his reputation, so I know now as long as I don't speak to him or go anywhere with him I'm safe. I am well aware this is toxic and dangerous. But I'm curious as to why EXACTLY I do this and if this means I'm the one who put myself in danger in the first place.

Regarding the third paragraph, I had read up on that when I was researching. It's nice to hear it from a real person. I felt so weak when this happened, and I responded that way.

Regarding the fourth paragraph, when my husband cheated on me it was emotional cheating (planning a life after us, with his high school sweetheart and speaking to her while neglecting me on an extreme level). He has always been preoccupied with the thought that I want to get revenge on him. This is not true. I love him very much. I always told myself that if he saw it as cheating, I would be devastated yet grateful about our separation. I really would rather not be in a relationship with a man who condemned me for how I survived these multiple assaults.

It's hard to blame him for blaming me because sometimes I blame me. Sometimes I also blamed him. I found that after the first two assaults. The sweeter/accepting/seemingly less upset I was of any of the advances, it felt less like... uncomfortable if that makes sense? A therapist has lightly explained to me that it's because when I was a child, my assaults were very violent and the more submissive and okay I seemed about it ensured it wouldn't be life threatening. Which that itself was harmful to my healing process. It causes me great discomfort after the attack. Does this response make it my fault? At least as a grown adult?
 
This "thing" knew what he was doing was wrong. You called him uncle.... You sound like you have no safe people to support you so men like that go after a vulnerable person.
You gave clear wording each time that you didn't want to have sex with him. He took advantage of your need for family and not only raped you but continued to assault you.
The pretending to enjoy the making out is a trauma response in feeling helpless/worthless and trying to tell yourself it's not rape.

You didn't have alot of options and this man kept promising he wouldn't do it again.
Then when he was rightly exposed, he is trying to blame the victim. I especially like the old nugget "You shouldn't dress the way you do"

You didn't cheat on your husband.

You've been continuously taken advantage of by a disgusting creep who had his own desires in mind
 
My main fear is that this is going to ruin my marriage and myself. I let my husband know what happened. He said he blamed me for hanging out with him after the first time. Sometimes I blame myself too, so I don't blame him. But I want to know if I did something wrong or if I was sexually assaulted. Mainly because I kept hanging out and being kind to this person.
If someone I love is repeatedly going somewhere they know they’re going to be raped? I’m going to be pissed off at them. As in seeing red and breaking shit pissed off at them.

Not because they’re cheating, but because they keep taking their happy ass off to be raped.

MAJOR broken trust / I can no longer trust them… which is a huge betrayal from anyone I love & used to trust.



ETA… This does not mean I do not understand WHY people keep such things secret, nor that my reaction in person may/may not be tempered BY that understanding. But? I, personally, would be LIVID. FURIOUS. And? So profoundly hurt by such a betrayal that I don’t know if I/we could recover from it.

Not being able to trust someone I love in the most basic ways of keeping themselves safe… shakes the very foundations of any relationship I have with them. Looping me in… eventually… offsets that somewhat. But not a whole helluva lot.
 
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If someone I love is repeatedly going somewhere they know they’re going to be raped? I’m going to be pissed off at them. As in seeing red and breaking shit pissed off at them.

Not because they’re cheating, but because they keep taking their happy ass off to be raped.

MAJOR broken trust / I can no longer trust them… which is a huge betrayal from anyone I love & used to trust.



ETA… This does not mean I do not understand WHY people keep such things secret, nor that my reaction in person may/may not be tempered BY that understanding. But? I, personally, would be LIVID. FURIOUS. And? So profoundly hurt by such a betrayal that I don’t know if I/we could recover from it.

Not being able to trust someone I love in the most basic ways of keeping themselves safe… shakes the very foundations of any relationship I have with them. Looping me in… eventually… offsets that somewhat. But not a whole helluva lot.
Wow.

Victim blaming much. She mentioned she's been in multiple abusive relationships including her husband currently..... When you're vulnerable with crap family who don't care about you, and you have a highly manipulative "uncle" who is so caring towards you and so "sorry" for what happened... Who can you urn to, especially when you don't even realise you've been raped and you blame yourself?"

These meetings with the uncle wouldn't be every two weeks, she SAID after the assaults she would go a long period no contact but then life happens with her abusive husband, she has no self esteem, standards or boundaries because this kind of relationship is all she know now, and somebody convinces her they truly care out of the blue when she's at a low point and want to hear about and "help"??

You lack empathy my friend.

Men seek out vulnerable women who have been abused, no standards, no boundaries. Easy to manipulate, lie to and abuse some more.
 
Victim blaming much.
Nope. Not at all. Being honest about my reaction to someone I love being hurt & lying to me about it? Has almost nothing to do about them. It’s MY reaction, to THEM a) being hurt & b) lying to me.

It doesn’t mean I don’t understand the impulse. On the contrary, it tells me exactly how little I can trust them about anything important.

Lack of empathy? Would be not giving a f*ck if someone is being raped. Over, and over, and over.
 
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