Sexual Assault I’m still struggling with being sexually assaulted

[Rose White]

Yeah when I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago they said they don’t do prostate exams anymore and Pap smears are self administered now.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I just remembered that when I kept repressing the memories of the sexual assaults, my sister was in her sophomore year at Harvard and so far away from home and she spent her teenage years watching me and taking care of me on the weekends. I felt guilty for years that she had spent all her free time in high school taking care of me that I wanted her to enjoy her college years. I would speak to her on the phone every so often and I wanted to tell her what was happening to me but I knew it’d make her extremely upset that someone was hurting her baby brother and ruin her time away from home and college experience. She was the one person I could always trust to take care of me and help me. She did what she could to help me with my abuser’s punishments for me and confronted her when she felt it was necessary. My sister was the only I felt safe enough to tell her anything. I would tell her that I was being bullied but would leave out the sexual assaults and told her that I hated going to school because how I kept being bullied. I wanted her to enjoy her time away from home and have a social life for once and I thought that this would ruin everything for her just like how I had thought taking care of me her entire high school years were ruined because of me. I didn’t want her to resent me for ruining college for her too. I eventually told her one Christmas when I was visiting her and told her the reason I never said anything about it was because I was so afraid of ruining her college years and I believed that she deserved to enjoy those years without worrying about me. She didn’t remember how my personality and mood towards school had suddenly changed when she came home from that Christmas. I told her that was why I had gone from being excited to start public school for the first time n two years to suddenly becoming so moody and hating having to go to school and dreading it so much. I guess that it’s understandable that she didn’t notice the change in me because she was far away at Harvard and couldn’t see me that often. I think that she had some suspicion that something was wrong but thought that maybe she was wrong because I would act like everything was fine.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

Is it normal for a victim of sexual assault to wonder if they had been asked permission to be touched and they say no but were still touched against their will if they would feel better than being touched without being asked? I struggled with that thought for years before I finally told someone what had happened to me. I just kept wondering if I would have felt better if I was asked before being touched and said no and it still happened anyway.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I honestly don’t think I was the kid’s first victim either as he knew exactly where to touch me and it was as if he had done it before and I don’t think that I was his last either. I’m often worried that I inadvertently gave him the idea that he could get away with it if the victim couldn’t catch him in time.

Stuff I go round, and round, and round with in my head. It doesn’t lead anywhere, but I get it. I’m always trying to get in their heads and understand where it all came from, and why. It’s not on you, though.

I’m not proud that I’m avoiding the doctor and I know this isn’t good at all but the thought of assuming that position keeps triggering flashbacks of the sexual assaults and the feeling of that finger

Ditto. I haven’t got anything helpful to say here, but me too.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I just found out that my state’s statute of limitations changed and I went to a site that helps victims figure out their options and I sent them a message that I wanted help. I’m going to press charges and take it to court. I don’t care if the story will be all over the local news. I deserve justice. I will refuse to settle out of court and I don’t care if I’m offered a million dollars to drop the charges. I’m going to court because the kid who did this to me deserves to go to prison and to be finally punished for what he did to me. I want to fight for other victims that he may have also harmed. I want the world to know what happened to me and how the school knew and never did anything about the assaults and how they didn’t even get the police involved. I’m tired of living with the flashbacks and feeling so helpless and thinking that I’ll never receive any justice after 25 long years. This kid just lit a raging fire and I’m going to make sure he gets burned big time. I am ready to face him in court and prepared to answer all questions that his lawyers ask me. If I need character witnesses, I can think of two people who know me and would say good things about me. I knew that my refusal to forgive the kid would push me to continue to fight and finally pay off in my favor. He is going down in flames and I hope he loses all respect from the public. I’m ready to fight and I intend to win in the end no matter how long it takes. There are other victims like me out there who think that they can never get any justice or that it’s too late for them to do so and I’m going to show them that they can still get it.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I’m planning on posting a message on my Facebook profile what I am planning on doing and telling them the secret struggle I’ve had to deal with these past 25 years of being a victim of sexual assault and that I intended to keep fighting and take my attacker to court and never stop until I get the justice that I deserve!