I think my friend sexually assaulted me, but I still want to be their friend. Am I being naïve?

[Nyoom]

I’m judging here but I read your story and saw more red flags than just your drunken friend’s sexual abuse. If I had my way, you would print out your post, put a copy in your journal, continue seeing a therapist to help heal your cptsd, and then in 1-2 years revisit your post and note your future self’s reaction. You may find yourself discovering that you were surrounding yourself with people who were constantly retraumatizing you and were not providing you with healthy, safe and secure relationships.

Could you expand on what you mean by red flags? I am a pretty oblivious person when it comes to those. Deadass almost followed a man who "needed help"... apparently needed help from a young girl who didn't speak the same native language as him despite there being multiple adults and native speakers of Portuguese around... into an ally way when I was like 9 or 10 ish, which is the biggest example of me not seeing a giant red flag lol

 

[Friday]

Sorry for any confusion.

Pfft. No worries. Nor your responsibility for others assumptions, inferences, or anything else. They’re someone in your life. That you represented as you chose, which is 100% your right.

 

[Soleil]

For example, acknowledging where they were touching and carrying on anyway. It wasn't like they didn't hear me or didn't understand me, they knew where they were touching and I don't think over 7 years of me affirming my boundaries would be forgotten just like that while drunk, but then again I have never gotten that drunk before so who knows. Then later on asking me for a hug and when I refused saying I didn't want to due to everything they did, they continued asking until they repeated what they had said earlier "Why are you mad, you put my hands there."

Boundary busting, gaslighting. Not a safe person! Alcohol reduces inhibitions. It doesn't create. Meaning the desire to touch your breasts and vagina were already in his brain; he just hadn't acted on it. Alcohol simply removed whatever was stopping him from acting on those desires. Or he used alcohol as an excuse to do what he already wanted to do.

"Not to mention I feel I am just overreacting to the whole thing." Minimization again.

Making choices to keep/maintain your personal safety is NEVER an overreaction!!

I'm not going to beat a dead horse so I won't keep commenting, 😊 but I think the longer you go No Contact with this person, the more clearly you'll see him.

Best of luck! 🤗💕

 

[KathK]

This is more or less how I figured they meant it. Just doing anything to get out of the situation.

But ultimately I don't think K is a bad person. They're not a good person while drunk, though.

I guess this is mostly tough because I am battling with two separate interpretations I have of the situation. One part of me believes they didn't mean any actual harm, another part believes they did intend to cause emotional damage. One part of me thinks those actions are not indicative of them as a person, another feels like they might be a threat. Not to mention I feel I am just overreacting to the whole thing. It's hard to tell which interpretation was correct because there are so many factors. And therefore, its hard for me to decide what to do. Remaining friends with them but not drinking with them seems like a middle ground at least.

Whilst probably true that they were trying to get out of a restraining grasp, they doesn’t take away that you asked them to stop and they didn’t, and whilst of course alcohol interferes with inhibition of oneself, it’s also true that it’s triggered your trauma response (not an overreaction, it’s instinct especially with cptsd where you are trying to survive and protect yourself from further trauma and the trigger sends you into reliving past trauma).
I had to cut off from a couple of people because alcohol and triggering unacceptable behaviour, one a family member. Initially I made excuses and played down their outbursts, then set the clear boundaries of no contact with me when drinking, then ultimatum (yes to try and get those people help, but mostly to protect myself and keep to my ethics)…ultimatum was basically that I care, I’m concerned, but I will not continue to accept x behaviour so until you show me you are getting help and show sustained change in behaviour for at least 6mths, I cannot have you in my life. Some see the pain they are causing others and use that to start changing their behaviour in earnest, others aren’t ready or are unable. Setting that type of ultimatum for me was trying to give the person the benefit of the doubt and be supportive, whilst also acknowledging I’m not a clinician to that person and that regardless of the cause, the behaviour is not something I am willing to accept in my life. All countries even with a supposed universal healthcare system have gaps, but there’s ways to find support and yes it’s difficult when services end however they need to discuss it with their clinicians to see about extension, transfer to different funding channels, etc…I know there’s often loopholes to continue or renew/restart services even when most aren’t aware of them. You don’t have to remain in contact because of peer pressure, and it’s ok to say that your boundaries have been ignored, at least when drunk, so unless sustained change proven, you can’t have that in your life. You hope they get help and still care, but you can’t put up with that behaviour.
Think about it, cutting off for a time, then testing the waters in a supported way if you choose, then start to heal friendship or step away and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the good times.

Oh also, to quell any gender debates, K is a biological male but has expressed that they're questioning their gender (as feminine presentation seems to make them much more comfortable but their family isn't exactly contenders for any parenting/sibling-ing awards) but are unsure on pronouns, hence the they/them pronouns as currently I am unsure how to refer to them and they/them is neutral. Sorry for any confusion.

Honestly, it’s cultural conditioning that makes us want to use those labels, and whilst my son and I both have friends who are gender diverse I still slip up on occasion after a couple of decades where a gender diverse person took me under their wing when I was the youngest at an adult homeless shelter, and that person kept me safe in more ways than I realised at the time. My mother at the school assembly asked if another kid was male/female, I think she struggles with gender diversity despite raising me around mixed couples (homosexual and heterosexual).
Though I can understand how them questioning their gender identity would make you more concerned to cut off given there’s so much misunderstanding and stigma, and I’m no expert just have friends of diverse gender/sexuality. Regardless though, you need to put yourself first, and from what you’ve said they do have other friends accepting of who they are (at least the sober side) so you won’t be cutting them off from people supporting them through their working out and accepting their identity, you just don’t want to be collateral damage in the meantime.
We’re improving as a society, but we all still have ingrained beliefs like gender, though many native cultures (eg Aboriginal Australian) actually had terms for gender diverse individuals thousands of years ago, so as a people we’re trying to catch up to the past our ancestors ignorance interfered with (at least at a societal level)

Rambling…think about the the variation of ultimatum though, it’s not withdrawing support it’s asking for proven behave change and engagement with the recovery process to ensure you are safe if you choose to continue the friendship, it might be a safer middle ground for you that still keeps to your ethics. Take care of you first, even if you don’t believe you deserve it, you are worthy of safety and respect

 

[EveHarrington]

Dump the “friend”. I think you are missing the red flags here.