• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

I think my friend sexually assaulted me, but I still want to be their friend. Am I being naïve?

I’m judging here but I read your story and saw more red flags than just your drunken friend’s sexual abuse. If I had my way, you would print out your post, put a copy in your journal, continue seeing a therapist to help heal your cptsd, and then in 1-2 years revisit your post and note your future self’s reaction. You may find yourself discovering that you were surrounding yourself with people who were constantly retraumatizing you and were not providing you with healthy, safe and secure relationships.
Could you expand on what you mean by red flags? I am a pretty oblivious person when it comes to those. Deadass almost followed a man who "needed help"... apparently needed help from a young girl who didn't speak the same native language as him despite there being multiple adults and native speakers of Portuguese around... into an ally way when I was like 9 or 10 ish, which is the biggest example of me not seeing a giant red flag lol
 
For example, acknowledging where they were touching and carrying on anyway. It wasn't like they didn't hear me or didn't understand me, they knew where they were touching and I don't think over 7 years of me affirming my boundaries would be forgotten just like that while drunk, but then again I have never gotten that drunk before so who knows. Then later on asking me for a hug and when I refused saying I didn't want to due to everything they did, they continued asking until they repeated what they had said earlier "Why are you mad, you put my hands there."

Boundary busting, gaslighting. Not a safe person! Alcohol reduces inhibitions. It doesn't create. Meaning the desire to touch your breasts and vagina were already in his brain; he just hadn't acted on it. Alcohol simply removed whatever was stopping him from acting on those desires. Or he used alcohol as an excuse to do what he already wanted to do.

"Not to mention I feel I am just overreacting to the whole thing." Minimization again.

Making choices to keep/maintain your personal safety is NEVER an overreaction!!

I'm not going to beat a dead horse so I won't keep commenting, 😊 but I think the longer you go No Contact with this person, the more clearly you'll see him.

Best of luck! 🤗💕
 
This is more or less how I figured they meant it. Just doing anything to get out of the situation.

But ultimately I don't think K is a bad person. They're not a good person while drunk, though.

I guess this is mostly tough because I am battling with two separate interpretations I have of the situation. One part of me believes they didn't mean any actual harm, another part believes they did intend to cause emotional damage. One part of me thinks those actions are not indicative of them as a person, another feels like they might be a threat. Not to mention I feel I am just overreacting to the whole thing. It's hard to tell which interpretation was correct because there are so many factors. And therefore, its hard for me to decide what to do. Remaining friends with them but not drinking with them seems like a middle ground at least.

Whilst probably true that they were trying to get out of a restraining grasp, they doesn’t take away that you asked them to stop and they didn’t, and whilst of course alcohol interferes with inhibition of oneself, it’s also true that it’s triggered your trauma response (not an overreaction, it’s instinct especially with cptsd where you are trying to survive and protect yourself from further trauma and the trigger sends you into reliving past trauma).
I had to cut off from a couple of people because alcohol and triggering unacceptable behaviour, one a family member. Initially I made excuses and played down their outbursts, then set the clear boundaries of no contact with me when drinking, then ultimatum (yes to try and get those people help, but mostly to protect myself and keep to my ethics)…ultimatum was basically that I care, I’m concerned, but I will not continue to accept x behaviour so until you show me you are getting help and show sustained change in behaviour for at least 6mths, I cannot have you in my life. Some see the pain they are causing others and use that to start changing their behaviour in earnest, others aren’t ready or are unable. Setting that type of ultimatum for me was trying to give the person the benefit of the doubt and be supportive, whilst also acknowledging I’m not a clinician to that person and that regardless of the cause, the behaviour is not something I am willing to accept in my life. All countries even with a supposed universal healthcare system have gaps, but there’s ways to find support and yes it’s difficult when services end however they need to discuss it with their clinicians to see about extension, transfer to different funding channels, etc…I know there’s often loopholes to continue or renew/restart services even when most aren’t aware of them. You don’t have to remain in contact because of peer pressure, and it’s ok to say that your boundaries have been ignored, at least when drunk, so unless sustained change proven, you can’t have that in your life. You hope they get help and still care, but you can’t put up with that behaviour.
Think about it, cutting off for a time, then testing the waters in a supported way if you choose, then start to heal friendship or step away and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the good times.
Oh also, to quell any gender debates, K is a biological male but has expressed that they're questioning their gender (as feminine presentation seems to make them much more comfortable but their family isn't exactly contenders for any parenting/sibling-ing awards) but are unsure on pronouns, hence the they/them pronouns as currently I am unsure how to refer to them and they/them is neutral. Sorry for any confusion.
Honestly, it’s cultural conditioning that makes us want to use those labels, and whilst my son and I both have friends who are gender diverse I still slip up on occasion after a couple of decades where a gender diverse person took me under their wing when I was the youngest at an adult homeless shelter, and that person kept me safe in more ways than I realised at the time. My mother at the school assembly asked if another kid was male/female, I think she struggles with gender diversity despite raising me around mixed couples (homosexual and heterosexual).
Though I can understand how them questioning their gender identity would make you more concerned to cut off given there’s so much misunderstanding and stigma, and I’m no expert just have friends of diverse gender/sexuality. Regardless though, you need to put yourself first, and from what you’ve said they do have other friends accepting of who they are (at least the sober side) so you won’t be cutting them off from people supporting them through their working out and accepting their identity, you just don’t want to be collateral damage in the meantime.
We’re improving as a society, but we all still have ingrained beliefs like gender, though many native cultures (eg Aboriginal Australian) actually had terms for gender diverse individuals thousands of years ago, so as a people we’re trying to catch up to the past our ancestors ignorance interfered with (at least at a societal level)

Rambling…think about the the variation of ultimatum though, it’s not withdrawing support it’s asking for proven behave change and engagement with the recovery process to ensure you are safe if you choose to continue the friendship, it might be a safer middle ground for you that still keeps to your ethics. Take care of you first, even if you don’t believe you deserve it, you are worthy of safety and respect
 
Ok i have not read everything here so sorry if I am repeating another person’s posts. I think there is a dangerous tendency among some people and especially among mental health professiinals to treat sexual assault as the golden child of trauma And is always devastating. It sucks. We don’t impose that standard on victims of other crimes. In fact, just like any thing else, people will react differently to being sexually assaulted. Your feelings may change or stay the same. I was sexually assaulted as an adult and quite frankly I have had trouble believing that is what it was because i have never felt it was a particularly big deal. So I understand where you are coming from.
 
Ok i have not read everything here so sorry if I am repeating another person’s posts. I think there is a dangerous tendency among some people and especially among mental health professiinals to treat sexual assault as the golden child of trauma And is always devastating. It sucks. We don’t impose that standard on victims of other crimes. In fact, just like any thing else, people will react differently to being sexually assaulted. Your feelings may change or stay the same. I was sexually assaulted as an adult and quite frankly I have had trouble believing that is what it was because i have never felt it was a particularly big deal. So I understand where you are coming from.
I kinda get what you mean. Not everyone will have the same reactions to potentially traumatic events as others. In this case, what happened did have an effect on me (triggered memories of past abuse, kinda set me back mentally for a while, for example) but doesn't exactly make the top 10 most traumatic events that has ever happened to me. Whereas, something that others might see as less traumatic than what happened here would make my number 1 most traumatic thing spot (in my case, COCSA). I am mostly fine now, and though still feel a bit distrustful towards K we have been talking online again. Still not drinking with them again though, they need to do a hell of a lot of work on themselves.
 
In response to.....I think my friend sexually assaulted......



There's emotional turmoil connected to your friend, combined with insufficient therapy which can lead to jokes, playful sexual behaviour and drinking too much alcohol. It's their way of expressing inner conflict going on in their life and it's only part reason for this behaviour.

Your life experiences have left you emotionally attached to your friend to whom you share the most intimate aspects.

It's trying to understand why your friend challenges your boundaries and creates this trauma by re-awakening your deepest, darkest memories.

Re-awakening your traumatic memories leads to you having the need to confide in your close friend.....Who is in need of your companionship. One need feeds another......Creating a circle of need.

This behaviour may seem playful or silly. However. Your friend is actually being very clever using a form of manipulation to keep you close.

Your friend has mental health issues. Anxiety, OCD and emotional drinking are all part of this. To make matters worse - they only had limited access to the services of a counsellor/therapist.

Can anyone be fully understood with only a limited amount of therapy? It seems like your friend is dealing with many personal, emotional and mental health issues themselves.

Which begins to make sense of why they are behaving this way towards you. There's also your friend's issues with their sexuality and problems with the family when trying to address this.

There's the possibility your friend will experience difficulty connecting with people themselves, making it hard when meeting new people.

The touching and constantly asking for sex may not only be about challenging your boundaries - but also trying to challenge and explore their own.

As your friend is questioning their gender, they may be experiencing some difficulty in dealing with this issue. This is another reason your friend may feel concerned at the limitation of their counselling.

Counselling/therapy provided by the health services is available on a limited basis and even that is subject to availability. Another problem concerning any form of treatment for mental health issues is the actual understanding of the problems being experienced by the person concerned.

Both you and your friend are dealing with issues that require much more in depth psychological understanding as opposed to a limited time of therapy or someone perhaps giving a diagnosis and prescribing some pills.

Although many people may not agree....It needs to be appreciated that mental health problems are the result of deep, lifelong issues that are complex and hard to understand.

Even conditions that are often considered to be a mental health issue - which in reality are not because it's based upon how someones brain functions or due to a physical illness or injury - can still lead to complex mental health issues, due to lack of understanding of how someone affected may feel.

The excessive drinking of alcohol can create further problems as group drinking can raise buried issues. When a group of friends sit drinking together, things unsaid can be spoken and hidden truths emerge which lead to arguments, accusations and even fighting.

Were these behaviours sexual assaults? Well....Yes....

How do you feel about continuing the friendship? It's asking the questions? Do you still feel uncomfortable about having those boundaries broken? One thing for sure. Your friend disrespected those boundaries.

Although understanding the possible reason for your friends behaviour. Does this mean it's acceptable to physically and sexually express these deep emotions towards you?

No. Your feelings need to be considered.

It's hard for your friend as they have some very complex problems. However. You have your problems and your friend has no right to use this to their own benefit.

Your friend's behaviour also causes friction between you and your partner, due to your fears of being rejected being brought to light. This in turn encourages you to again seek solace in your friend - who understands your fears of being rejected and will use this to their benefit.

The more afraid you are at losing your partner, your friend will further manipulate so as to keep your friendship.

With regards to seeing your friend again, it seems you've made a sensible choice by not having full contact with them for a while. Yet at the same time you are communicating with them online.

This seems a pretty good compromise. You've not completely shut them out but at the same time, you've allowed some contact so as to respect their feelings.

It really is not up to you whether or not you want to keep seeing your friend.

What could be considered a top priority, may be the need to address your mental health issues with a counsellor. This being something you need to consider over a long term period because you are confiding in someone who needs you to 'stay as you are'.......It's not helping.

By all means, do continue the friendship but when it comes to discussing your deepest, darkest most personal issues.....Do it in counselling.
 
Back
Top