Gemmaphobe
New Here
So I honestly don’t want this to be true but the more I think about it the harder it’s getting to avoid the facts. For some context on me,I’m 23yrs and have been assaulted by about 5 different men/boys throughout my life. Each case varying in degree with the worst one being at the hands of my father over the span of about 8yrs( i estimated the start of this particular situation to be when I was around 3/4years old). I’ve mostly existed in a state of heavy dissociation all my life and don’t think about these things as I have a life to live and so many responsibilities to my family(struggling financially and I’m the first child) and myself (I have big dreams & only one life). I hope it’s okay to say all this here & i apologize if this triggers anyone but I do hope someone reads this and has some advice for me.
Now to the point of this post, I have very strong feelings for this friend and it’s kind of a big deal for me because I don’t often develop feelings for people so when I do, I find it very difficult to be rational and i let my feelings overwhelm me cos it just feels so good to feel things like that lol. Unwise I know, I’m trying(?) to work on it, I promise.
Anyway I’ve known this person for about 2 years and have always wanted to have him in my life for as long as possible. I really believe we have a lot in common and as someone who really struggles in interpersonal relationship, I value this is a lot. Of course I’m also ridiculously attracted to him haha but we’re both extremely ambitious and flawed in eerily similar ways. I cherish this bond very much. But lately it’s been hard to enjoy that.
Shortly after we met in April 2022, he asked for my help on a project (I’m a songwriter). I had to travel a considerable distance to help with this project and had no accommodation in the region so he invited me to stay at his family house, which I really appreciated. This is a kindness he often extends to his friends regardless of gender and I’ve come to find out all members of his family are quick to offer this to people who need it. They’re rich. Anyway, the project spanned three days and I spent all three nights at his place. On the first night, I was very nervous, I was to sleep in the same room as him and my heart was racing wildly. There were two beds on either side of the room so we didn’t have to share a bed. Oh it’s also important to mention that at this time I had a significant other. Wasn’t my boyfriend on a technicality but we were in an exclusive long distance relationship.
So I didn’t want to betray the trust of my SO but I was also intensely attracted to this new friend of mine. I decided to sleep in a different bed because of this. Our rapport was amazing though, we flirted, we talked and I wanted to be closer to him but was trying to keep myself in check. Anyway I ended up on his bed, we tried to watch something while we had a very late dinner and my memory’s a bit hazy but I think I ended up sleeping in his bed. The next day we made out, a lot, against my better judgement. Things got pretty heated and I started to get scared. I didn’t want to go all the way, I didn’t need the guilt on my conscience and I loved my SO very much and wouldn’t want to have sex with someone else. I know making out was just as bad but having sex was much less redeemable in my eyes. This is where it gets weird. I didn’t ask him to “Stop” outright, i kinda kept saying “let’s pause” or something like that but in between kisses and him touching me more it got so much harder to concentrate or get my words out. Till now I’m not sure I want to admit feeling a bit scared/triggered in that moment. Of course parts of me wanted to do the deed with him but I didn’t want to cross that line and so I kept asking him to essentially pause and give me a moment to really think about it or explain why despite the attraction i had for him I wasn’t ready to have sex with him just yet. “Okay, Pause” was all I kept saying. And he did pause, for about 3 seconds then continued to kiss and touch me. Put his hands all over me and down my panties. I felt very pressured. I was also just coming off my period so I had a pad on. Using this as an escape I said I had to go check on it in the bathroom.
Again I want to stress that I did want to do sexual things with him and my flirting with him probably was my expression of this desire. But I didn’t want to have sex with him like that. I wasn’t ready in that moment. His actions made me feel pressured and I really didn’t want to disappoint him so I came back out of the bathroom and took my top off . Made out with him some more. He touched me some more. I kept asking him to pause. He’d pause for a few seconds and get right back to it. This went on and on and got so weird for me and I, till this day, don’t even understand my own actions. Eventually, he tried to insert himself in me and i can never forget the feeling of his member on between my thighs, I didn’t want it like that. I remember clearly how I started to feel disgusting inside. I wanted it to stop and I blamed myself for flirting so much and then trying to withhold sex. He stopped himself at that point and pulled off me and I started to apologize. I couldn’t and didn’t feel anything in the moment but over the course of the day I tried to process it. I tried to talk to him about it at the end of the day and he apologized, seeming sincere. But even months after that I kept peeling more and more layers of shame and hurt and I grew to resent him so much. Till now I feel deeply hurt. All I want is to love him wholeheartedly and I remember this incident and feel so weird. I had to endure abuse from my own father in silence for so many years so it’s extremely triggering for me as it reminds me of what it’s like to not hate someone who has violated your body. I didn’t hate my father for the longest time. Everyone called me daddy’s girl and I put the show on perfectly because I was so scared or my family splitting and my mother suffering.
I don’t want to do this again. I loved my friend before this and we’ve since been through a lot together. I don’t trust him still but I don’t know what to do with myself and these feelings. Are these grounds to remove him from my life? Am I hurting myself further but not doing so? He’s doing amazing in the entertainment industry and he believes in me so much, he could open doors for me. We share similar dreams and we love what we do. There’s just so so much involved. (Haven’t even mentioned how I did eventually have sec with him September last year, cheating on my boyfriend and damaging my relationship)
I don’t have money for therapy lol so any suggestions to get help may not be very helpful at the moment but hey, if you wanna donate to me doing so, I’m more than happy to accept! Otherwise, I would really appreciate any advice at all. I’m pretty rational and very convinced I have enough power over my mind and reality to at least not be a complete train wreck before I can afford therapy.
If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading!
Now to the point of this post, I have very strong feelings for this friend and it’s kind of a big deal for me because I don’t often develop feelings for people so when I do, I find it very difficult to be rational and i let my feelings overwhelm me cos it just feels so good to feel things like that lol. Unwise I know, I’m trying(?) to work on it, I promise.
Anyway I’ve known this person for about 2 years and have always wanted to have him in my life for as long as possible. I really believe we have a lot in common and as someone who really struggles in interpersonal relationship, I value this is a lot. Of course I’m also ridiculously attracted to him haha but we’re both extremely ambitious and flawed in eerily similar ways. I cherish this bond very much. But lately it’s been hard to enjoy that.
Shortly after we met in April 2022, he asked for my help on a project (I’m a songwriter). I had to travel a considerable distance to help with this project and had no accommodation in the region so he invited me to stay at his family house, which I really appreciated. This is a kindness he often extends to his friends regardless of gender and I’ve come to find out all members of his family are quick to offer this to people who need it. They’re rich. Anyway, the project spanned three days and I spent all three nights at his place. On the first night, I was very nervous, I was to sleep in the same room as him and my heart was racing wildly. There were two beds on either side of the room so we didn’t have to share a bed. Oh it’s also important to mention that at this time I had a significant other. Wasn’t my boyfriend on a technicality but we were in an exclusive long distance relationship.
So I didn’t want to betray the trust of my SO but I was also intensely attracted to this new friend of mine. I decided to sleep in a different bed because of this. Our rapport was amazing though, we flirted, we talked and I wanted to be closer to him but was trying to keep myself in check. Anyway I ended up on his bed, we tried to watch something while we had a very late dinner and my memory’s a bit hazy but I think I ended up sleeping in his bed. The next day we made out, a lot, against my better judgement. Things got pretty heated and I started to get scared. I didn’t want to go all the way, I didn’t need the guilt on my conscience and I loved my SO very much and wouldn’t want to have sex with someone else. I know making out was just as bad but having sex was much less redeemable in my eyes. This is where it gets weird. I didn’t ask him to “Stop” outright, i kinda kept saying “let’s pause” or something like that but in between kisses and him touching me more it got so much harder to concentrate or get my words out. Till now I’m not sure I want to admit feeling a bit scared/triggered in that moment. Of course parts of me wanted to do the deed with him but I didn’t want to cross that line and so I kept asking him to essentially pause and give me a moment to really think about it or explain why despite the attraction i had for him I wasn’t ready to have sex with him just yet. “Okay, Pause” was all I kept saying. And he did pause, for about 3 seconds then continued to kiss and touch me. Put his hands all over me and down my panties. I felt very pressured. I was also just coming off my period so I had a pad on. Using this as an escape I said I had to go check on it in the bathroom.
Again I want to stress that I did want to do sexual things with him and my flirting with him probably was my expression of this desire. But I didn’t want to have sex with him like that. I wasn’t ready in that moment. His actions made me feel pressured and I really didn’t want to disappoint him so I came back out of the bathroom and took my top off . Made out with him some more. He touched me some more. I kept asking him to pause. He’d pause for a few seconds and get right back to it. This went on and on and got so weird for me and I, till this day, don’t even understand my own actions. Eventually, he tried to insert himself in me and i can never forget the feeling of his member on between my thighs, I didn’t want it like that. I remember clearly how I started to feel disgusting inside. I wanted it to stop and I blamed myself for flirting so much and then trying to withhold sex. He stopped himself at that point and pulled off me and I started to apologize. I couldn’t and didn’t feel anything in the moment but over the course of the day I tried to process it. I tried to talk to him about it at the end of the day and he apologized, seeming sincere. But even months after that I kept peeling more and more layers of shame and hurt and I grew to resent him so much. Till now I feel deeply hurt. All I want is to love him wholeheartedly and I remember this incident and feel so weird. I had to endure abuse from my own father in silence for so many years so it’s extremely triggering for me as it reminds me of what it’s like to not hate someone who has violated your body. I didn’t hate my father for the longest time. Everyone called me daddy’s girl and I put the show on perfectly because I was so scared or my family splitting and my mother suffering.
I don’t want to do this again. I loved my friend before this and we’ve since been through a lot together. I don’t trust him still but I don’t know what to do with myself and these feelings. Are these grounds to remove him from my life? Am I hurting myself further but not doing so? He’s doing amazing in the entertainment industry and he believes in me so much, he could open doors for me. We share similar dreams and we love what we do. There’s just so so much involved. (Haven’t even mentioned how I did eventually have sec with him September last year, cheating on my boyfriend and damaging my relationship)
I don’t have money for therapy lol so any suggestions to get help may not be very helpful at the moment but hey, if you wanna donate to me doing so, I’m more than happy to accept! Otherwise, I would really appreciate any advice at all. I’m pretty rational and very convinced I have enough power over my mind and reality to at least not be a complete train wreck before I can afford therapy.
If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading!