V
Vincent
I don’t even know where to begin. For context I grew up in a very conservative religious household with friends/family who were openly homophobic. I grew up thinking being gay was 100% wrong and the worst thing you could ever be.
For most my life my best friend (AL) and I were inseparable. We decided to go to the same college together and we were roommates for years. AL was a great supportive friend, he always wanted to help people and was just a good guy. I understand now that I was in love with him (I am able to admit now that I’m bisexual). I was in denial at the time though and deeply ashamed whenever I had sexual thoughts/dreams about him. I hated myself for those thoughts. AL I think was attracted to me too but had similar hang ups. There were times where we’d get drunk and sit close and touch each other or hug or lay next to each other and cuddle. It never went far, like we never kissed even but it was sexually charged if that makes sense. Sometimes we’d make excuses like we were thinking about some girl it was stupid but I always wanted it to go further. AL’s hang ups were even worse than mine. Sometimes we’d be close and then he’d get mad and say cruel things but would always apologize later or act like nothing happened. But then he always kept doing it (touching me). I told him I loved him once and he pretended it was a joke. I felt like he was leading me on, and it broke my heart I don’t know I was so confused.
One night we were both super drunk but he was more so than me. We were in bed and he passed out. I was drunk and not thinking clearly but I still knew what I was doing. I was feeling angry and desperate and all these crazy emotions. I got handsy. I touched him and rubbed on him. God I want to throw up just saying it. He woke up and we had a huge (physical) fight. It completely destroyed our friendship. I apologized so many times but he never forgave me. I don’t deserve forgiveness but I’d do anything for it. I feel like such a creep and a criminal and I hate myself so much for what I did.
This was years ago and I still think about him. I see him around sometimes. It aches to see him. I miss him. We really did have a great friendship before all this shit went down. He was my oldest friend and the closest I ever was to anyone. I will never forgive myself for breaking his trust. I don’t trust myself like what if this is just who I am. I’d give anything to take it back but I can’t. I hate myself and just try to keep going, what else can I do?
Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I a monster?
For most my life my best friend (AL) and I were inseparable. We decided to go to the same college together and we were roommates for years. AL was a great supportive friend, he always wanted to help people and was just a good guy. I understand now that I was in love with him (I am able to admit now that I’m bisexual). I was in denial at the time though and deeply ashamed whenever I had sexual thoughts/dreams about him. I hated myself for those thoughts. AL I think was attracted to me too but had similar hang ups. There were times where we’d get drunk and sit close and touch each other or hug or lay next to each other and cuddle. It never went far, like we never kissed even but it was sexually charged if that makes sense. Sometimes we’d make excuses like we were thinking about some girl it was stupid but I always wanted it to go further. AL’s hang ups were even worse than mine. Sometimes we’d be close and then he’d get mad and say cruel things but would always apologize later or act like nothing happened. But then he always kept doing it (touching me). I told him I loved him once and he pretended it was a joke. I felt like he was leading me on, and it broke my heart I don’t know I was so confused.
One night we were both super drunk but he was more so than me. We were in bed and he passed out. I was drunk and not thinking clearly but I still knew what I was doing. I was feeling angry and desperate and all these crazy emotions. I got handsy. I touched him and rubbed on him. God I want to throw up just saying it. He woke up and we had a huge (physical) fight. It completely destroyed our friendship. I apologized so many times but he never forgave me. I don’t deserve forgiveness but I’d do anything for it. I feel like such a creep and a criminal and I hate myself so much for what I did.
This was years ago and I still think about him. I see him around sometimes. It aches to see him. I miss him. We really did have a great friendship before all this shit went down. He was my oldest friend and the closest I ever was to anyone. I will never forgive myself for breaking his trust. I don’t trust myself like what if this is just who I am. I’d give anything to take it back but I can’t. I hate myself and just try to keep going, what else can I do?
Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I a monster?
