Sexual Assault I have sexually assaulted my brother

I was young,either 15 or 16,and it was a very confusing and horrible time for my life. I have always,always always resorted to porn as a way to calm my anxiety,it was an actual drug. I dont know when it started,but it started (as put by one psychologist i tried once) in a normal age for children to get into masturbation and internet pornography. I dont know why I got so addicted to it,but again it mightve been my awful anxiety which at the time,specifically due to school,was completely out of control. My brother mustve been either 12 or 13 at the time. I dont know how it happened,but once i asked him if i could perform oral sex on him and he agreed. I have no memory on how or what specifically happened,i only have flashes of memory. The oral sex thing mustve happened when we were younger too now that i think about it. A year,or a couple years later,we got naked and started simulating sex acts. Nothing was violent or against anyones will,which I know in this context means nothing,but it wasnt an "evil planned execution" like a predator would do,with a purpose in mind,I myself had no idea what i was doing and we were laughing sometimes because of how awkward it was,so to me I thought it was even funny at the time. I had no idea the extent of damage this can cause to people. I didnt know therapy,i didnt know other ways to let out my anxiety,i was illiterate in mental health. Today i realize i might be a rapist. I dont know what to do. I dknt know if i should rot in jail or try to live my life and get help. I want to get help for my brother when ill have money,but sometimes i want to kill myself because of my history with porn and what ive done to him. I hope i live long enough to get him help. I hope someone herr can tell me im not a monster and that there is hope for me and my brother. I am at a loss for hope. I wish i could go back and erase everything
Look, what you did can't be described as normal. BUT your desire was. You were a curious child and probably afraid to ask someone like a friend to do it, so you went to your brother because of your good relationship. I suggest talking to your brother. Does he WANT help? Does he NEED help? Also, porn as a child? Kids do that all the time! So don't worry! You are not a monster, and there is hope for you and your brother! AND YOU ARE NOT A RAPIST!
 

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