Sexual Assault I have sexually assaulted my brother

Zabora

New Here
I was young,either 15 or 16,and it was a very confusing and horrible time for my life. I have always,always always resorted to porn as a way to calm my anxiety,it was an actual drug. I dont know when it started,but it started (as put by one psychologist i tried once) in a normal age for children to get into masturbation and internet pornography. I dont know why I got so addicted to it,but again it mightve been my awful anxiety which at the time,specifically due to school,was completely out of control. My brother mustve been either 12 or 13 at the time. I dont know how it happened,but once i asked him if i could perform oral sex on him and he agreed. I have no memory on how or what specifically happened,i only have flashes of memory. The oral sex thing mustve happened when we were younger too now that i think about it. A year,or a couple years later,we got naked and started simulating sex acts. Nothing was violent or against anyones will,which I know in this context means nothing,but it wasnt an "evil planned execution" like a predator would do,with a purpose in mind,I myself had no idea what i was doing and we were laughing sometimes because of how awkward it was,so to me I thought it was even funny at the time. I had no idea the extent of damage this can cause to people. I didnt know therapy,i didnt know other ways to let out my anxiety,i was illiterate in mental health. Today i realize i might be a rapist. I dont know what to do. I dknt know if i should rot in jail or try to live my life and get help. I want to get help for my brother when ill have money,but sometimes i want to kill myself because of my history with porn and what ive done to him. I hope i live long enough to get him help. I hope someone herr can tell me im not a monster and that there is hope for me and my brother. I am at a loss for hope. I wish i could go back and erase everything
 
I dknt know if i should rot in jail or try to live my life and get help

I vote for try to get help. I don't think you are a monster- if you were you wouldn't feel remorse or shame about how you treated your brother, and you do. Most rapists are not monsters and also most rapists don't feel remorse and shame. Your remorse and shame is a good quality. You have good qualities even if you hurt your brother badly. This means that you can change and grow. I really recommend trying to talk to a counsellor about this because it's not easy to do on your own. Are you both adults now?

I want to get help for my brother when ill have money,but sometimes i want to kill myself because of my history with porn and what ive done to him. I hope i live long enough to get him help. I hope someone herr can tell me im not a monster and that there is hope for me and my brother. I am at a loss for hope. I wish i could go back and erase everything

There is hope for both you and your brother.
 
I vote for try to get help. I don't think you are a monster- if you were you wouldn't feel remorse or shame about how you treated your brother, and you do. Most rapists are not monsters and also most rapists don't feel remorse and shame. Your remorse and shame is a good quality. You have good qualities even if you hurt your brother badly. This means that you can change and grow. I really recommend trying to talk to a counsellor about this because it's not easy to do on your own. Are you both adults now?



There is hope for both you and your brother.
Yes we are both adults. I'm 21 and he's 18. I know these things don't always show the way one might expect,but I've never seen him clearly depressed. It's just something I notice. Which makes me wonder how he would react if I tried to talk to him about it and try to get help. I've thought in the past that,maybe he doesn't care at all it happened,after all we're not the first and we ain't going to be the last brothers who try to do stupid stuff like this. I'm not normalizing it or trying justify anything at all in the slightest,these are just all the thoughts I've had along the years, they're all probably ways in which my head tries to make me feel less bad about it. I will absolutely try to get help,and for him also especially,but I really wish there was a way to do it without getting the rest of the family involved,idk if there is. Though sometimes it's really hard to fight suicidal instincts,which have arose only very recently after I've been through a bad breakup (poor me,lol) and I'm really giving up on everything. I only push forward for my brother and to help him,if I leave I need to give him all I can first.
 
Nothing was violent or against anyones will,which I know in this context means nothing
Actually, it means quite a lot. Context is everything. Doesn't sound like there was any coercion, not the way you tell the story. 2 kids, roughly the same age, truly playing around like that, isn't a crime. Literally. It isn't a crime. There are plenty of people who wouldn't approve, I'm sure, but it's not assault. Assault is all about the perpetrator using their subject for their own amusement, without regard for harm potentially done to the subject. There might be a sexual element to it, sure, but it's all about control and using people, without regard for their feelings or welfare.

It might be a good idea to try the psychologist thing again. There's probably a reason for your anxiety and there's probably a reason you use porn to calm yourself. Especially if it's to the point of being an addiction. Sort this out for yourself before you worry too much about helping your brother. He really might be fine. Think of it like putting on your own oxygen mask before you worry about helping the people around you. There's help out there. You deserve to get some.
 
Actually, it means quite a lot. Context is everything. Doesn't sound like there was any coercion, not the way you tell the story. 2 kids, roughly the same age, truly playing around like that, isn't a crime. Literally. It isn't a crime. There are plenty of people who wouldn't approve, I'm sure, but it's not assault. Assault is all about the perpetrator using their subject for their own amusement, without regard for harm potentially done to the subject. There might be a sexual element to it, sure, but it's all about control and using people, without regard for their feelings or welfare.

It might be a good idea to try the psychologist thing again. There's probably a reason for your anxiety and there's probably a reason you use porn to calm yourself. Especially if it's to the point of being an addiction. Sort this out for yourself before you worry too much about helping your brother. He really might be fine. Think of it like putting on your own oxygen mask before you worry about helping the people around you. There's help out there. You deserve to get
Itd definitely be better to first figure out my own problems,yes. But I do worry about him since it might happen to him what happened to be,basically getting sudden traumatizing memories about what happened and struggling with them,and in his case itd obviously be far worse because he was lead by his older brother to do that,he is a victim. I really want to make it clear I never did force him,it was all a stupid way to mimic what I saw in videos and thank god I never got as extreme as some people out there do with porn addiction. Fortunately nobody had to suffer in that way,but the very fact that I put him in that position albeit not entirely consciously,still makes me feel responsible and a criminal. As far as age goes,in my country the age of consent is 14,i wouldve been above that in this case,and he was under it,so,where I live im probably in an ocean of trouble
 
It's ok to be concerned about your brother. It shows that you care about him, and that's a good thing. The problem with "worry:, at least the way the word is used here, is that it amounts to a lot of mental stress and anguish without solving anything. I don't know about the laws in your country, of course. There are plenty of places in the world with extreme and unreasonable laws. From what I know about psychology, it's pretty normal for kids to experiment. If the kids are close to the same age and no one is intimidating anyone, normally there's no harm in that.

Sometimes when a child has an unusual interest in sex, like maybe you did, it's a reaction to being abused. Honestly, when you described your using porn to calm yourself, especially to the point of being an addiction, it made me wonder if you had been victimized at some point. It's also not unusual for a kid who's been abused to act out similar behaviors with other kids. Doesn't always happen and it isn't always the explanation, but it's something that happens some times. Whatever the case, take care of yourself, ok?
 
It's ok to be concerned about your brother. It shows that you care about him, and that's a good thing. The problem with "worry:, at least the way the word is used here, is that it amounts to a lot of mental stress and anguish without solving anything. I don't know about the laws in your country, of course. There are plenty of places in the world with extreme and unreasonable laws. From what I know about psychology, it's pretty normal for kids to experiment. If the kids are close to the same age and no one is intimidating anyone, normally there's no harm in that.

Sometimes when a child has an unusual interest in sex, like maybe you did, it's a reaction to being abused. Honestly, when you described your using porn to calm yourself, especially to the point of being an addiction, it made me wonder if you had been victimized at some point. It's also not unusual for a kid who's been abused to act out similar behaviors with other kids. Doesn't always happen and it isn't always the explanation, but it's something that happens some times. Whatever the case, take care of yourself, ok?
I really cannot tell you how much these words mean to me,im bawling my eyes out as I type this because ive never had anybody reassure me about this before and i expect absolutely zero empathy. ive constantly seen myself as a criminal and an abuser,not only for what ive done to my brother but even for the type of porn material i used to consume on the internet,it made me feel like an absolute monster. I dont know still if what i did deserves any kind of punishment,but yes i have been abused tho not in the most traditional ways. Ive had an extremely weird family growing up and things never really felt normal. I grew up with my parents basically only giving me economical support but there was never any kind of emotional or parental type of connection,basically they were always more caretakers than actual family. My father was also extremely irascible and had problems with anger,so I was bound to having problems,i just never figured they would be these kinds of problems. Usually qhen you see "victims" on TV and media in general,they are on the receiving end of abuse themselves and they never do anything "wrong". So what im saying is,i never saw myself as a victim because ive known for a while now that i did bad stuff.
 
When you grow up in a family, you take it as "normal" no matter what it's like. Because it IS normal, at least for you. As my therapist used to say, "It's the way we do things around here." It's hard to really understand the ways a "normal" childhood might differ from what we experience ourselves. I've found it's also hard coming to understand the ways childhood can effect the rest of your life. I can't imagine how anyone can sort that kind of thing out alone. I hope you can find a good therapist and get some help with it. You deserve it. (In my experience, real "monsters" don't spend any time worrying about people they might have hurt.)

The world we live in is WAY more complicated than TV. Everyone makes mistakes. Good people do bad things sometimes and sometimes bad people do things that turn out to be good. Sometimes, no matter what our intentions were, things turn out differently. It's complicated and messy. But there's always the potential for change too. Take care of yourself!
 
your story resonates with me so much. i had done similar things to my brother when he was younger, i was around 11 and he was 4 years younger than me. i don’t remember much but i do remember sneaking into his bed at night and performing sexual acts on him. it has eaten me alive for years, i have struggled to come to terms with it. i often feeling like ending it all because of the guilt. then i feel guilty for feeling bad because i’m not the victim. there’s an added level to this as i told him not to tell anyone and threatened him if he did- i must have known it was wrong. now days he really struggles with his mental health, recently i mentioned this to him because i couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. he said he remembers and it’s caused him to have lots of issues in his life now but he is getting some help. he’s going to tell our dad, which i am so scared about but i want him to do whatever he needs to get the support he needs. the worst thing about it is the pain it’s caused to him and then the pain it will cause to our dad.

thank you so much for sharing your story, it’s comforting that i’m not alone in this. i always try to remind myself that the guilt and remorse i feel is a testament to who i am now. we’re not defined by the things we did when we were younger. i know i need to seek some help it’s just so hard to speak about.
 
I really feel like we should talk about this,let me know if you want to. I really mean this,having someone else who's been through the same trauma is a life saving opportunity, especially considering how exceptionally rare it is for people like us to come out and take responsibility about it. I would be so unspeakably thankful if you want to reach out,it could help us and our families. I want to ask you,did you have particular addictions or did you struggle with sexual desires and impulses as a child? Could that be what led you to do that? Please,please,please respond. Much love and hope you get better,you are not defined by your mistakes,but by what you do to fix them. You're human and you're wonderful.
your story resonates with me so much. i had done similar things to my brother when he was younger, i was around 11 and he was 4 years younger than me. i don’t remember much but i do remember sneaking into his bed at night and performing sexual acts on him. it has eaten me alive for years, i have struggled to come to terms with it. i often feeling like ending it all because of the guilt. then i feel guilty for feeling bad because i’m not the victim. there’s an added level to this as i told him not to tell anyone and threatened him if he did- i must have known it was wrong. now days he really struggles with his mental health, recently i mentioned this to him because i couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. he said he remembers and it’s caused him to have lots of issues in his life now but he is getting some help. he’s going to tell our dad, which i am so scared about but i want him to do whatever he needs to get the support he needs. the worst thing about it is the pain it’s caused to him and then the pain it will cause to our dad.

thank you so much for sharing your story, it’s comforting that i’m not alone in this. i always try to remind myself that the guilt and remorse i feel is a testament to who i am now. we’re not defined by the things we did when we were younger. i know i need to seek some help it’s just so hard to speak about.
 

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