Childhood Sexually assaulted by my older cousin when i was 9

Jinkoz

New Here
I was sleeping at my aunts house and i woke early to go on the computer. There was my cousin who was 14 at the time. I asked him if i could use the computer and he said yes come and sit on my lap. I remember thinking it was weird that he asked me to sit on his lap since i was too old for this stuff but i did. He was having an erection and i felt it. I noticed it and just frooze and pretented like nothing was happening and did my stuff on the pc. He was holding me tight the whole time. I always knew it happened but i never talked about it and it got buried in my memory. Now im 29 and ive suffered depression and anxiety my whole life and ive started digging into my past and the memory resurfaced after all those years. Never thought about it during all those years nor had flashback but now it came back. I dont know what to do especially since his family and ours are very close and i still see him to this day. I have told my mother ( who downplayed it saying he did not mean it, maybe he was just doing his stuff on the pc and i arrived at the wrong time, still it doesnt relieve me from the fact that he made me sit on his lap while being erected and him being aware of it and holding me on his lap) and my brother. Ngl i am crushed this explained a lot of my behaviour, my anxiety, my distrust of people, me hating being touched, a profund sens of shame inside me that i always carried and never knew where it came from, the fact that facing strong emotion i freeze and chose flight like i did when the abuse happened. If you have some ressources or things that could help me id appreciate it, i read about emdr therapy i am going to start
 
Feeling very suicidal as I don’t think I’ll ever get better and if I do the timeline to recover from trauma is so long that it makes me want to give up. I’ll never have a normal life and normal relationship with people i am traumatized and can’t trust people and even be touched
 

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