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Sexual Assault I sexually abused my brother when we were children and don’t know how to repent and move on

I’m now 31/male, the oldest of four brothers, but I was recently diagnosed with Adhd at the age of 30 (might be relevant), I want to start of by admitting that I was a full blown bully to all my younger siblings when we were children, both physically (beating) and mentally (manipulation/blackmail etc), it wasn’t 24/7 but I was very controlling and would hold grudges and seek revenge if I felt any of them disrespect or challenge me, being the oldest I would use the excuse of helping raise and discipline my younger siblings (as if anyone asked me to) but I was probably just a bully and liked power and control over my brothers, My father put an end to that when I was about sixteen (thank God) after I beat one of my siblings really harshly because he took a knife to his other older sibling after the faught, My father told me never to directly help ”raise“ my siblings again, and that I could report to him if I should see them behaving badly etc.

that said None got the brunt of my abuse more than the next older brother i.e (the closest to me in age), he was less than two years younger, we didn’t fight as much aka I didn’t beat him as much because he would “challenge“ my perceived “authority“ the least, we were once bathing together and he innocently touched me inappropriately, I don’t know if it was out of curiosity or just an accident, but I blackmailed him for months after that because being children raised in a very conservative home, we both though it was a much bigger deal than it actually was, I told him he would probably be kicked out if our parents found out and I genuinely believed it because we were taught repeatedly that anything to do with that area is off limits and very bad etc, now when I say I blackmailed him I don’t mean for sexual favours, it was mostly while we were playing such as me getting to choose which games we would play next etc, we even made a code word and he would have to obey me whenever I used it, all this was before I even developed sexual desires etc, but soon after I would, it’s also important to mention that both me and the brother in question were repeatedly molested by a family “friend” who stayed with us growing up, there were also multiple attempted molestations by neighbour, shortly after I became sex aware/developed desires at the age of 11, I discovered masterbation and different forms of porn and became addicted up till now, but back then me and my brother once decided to mimic the Hollywood movies and kiss, it was a short peck that made us both disgusted, never to be repeated again but shortly after the sexual abuse happened, I persuaded my brother to let me dry hump him fully nude to all the way to orgasm, I didn’t blackmail him as I had stopped doing that by then but I told him I would do the same for him when he finally develops the same sexual desires, I wasn’t sexually attracted to my brother or anything I wanted to basically use him as a substitute since I had no way of doing this with a female (I’m heterosexual), anyway he agreed under the condition that I would not egaculate on him, but when we actually did the deed (no penetration) I couldn’t control it and some of it got on his back, he got very angry and said never again, and that was it, it was that one time and I never tried anything like that ever again.

Needless to say I am really disgusted with myself and have self sabotaged my life so many times because I don’t believe I’m worthy of anything good because of what happened, especially after my brother got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I immediately blamed myself for that, it’s interesting that I don’t often think about the adult who molested me, and even when I do I feel nothing, I’ve even forgiven him long ago but I don’t know maybe I only did so because I’m so desperate for forgiveness myself, like some twisted “if he can be forgiven maybe so can I” because I often think about what I did to my brother which is far worse than anything our molester did to any of us as far as I know, but he was a full grown adult and he knew exactly what he was doing and I was 11, on the other hand the effects on the victim don't change depending on the age of the perpetrator, it’s probably even worse to be betrayed by your own family like that, your own older brother who is supposed to protect you, it’s also terrible seeing the long term effects of what you did to your own brother, I’m no psychologist but it’s hard to believe it had no part in his condition specially since he brought up our molester to our parents once while in a depressive episode, I‘m surprised he didn’t bring up what I did, or maybe he did but my parents didn't tell me (they know about our molester but don’t know about what I did), then last year I was finally diagnosed with adhd, and so many things about my life finally made sense like my addiction since we are more likely to get addicted, also one of the symptoms is impulsivity, I also read that children who are abused often do the same to their siblings or other children, I know none of this justifies or excuses what I did but I don’t know what to make of all this, like I thought maybe I’m not completely helpless\pathetic (I struggled with intrusive suicidal thoughts for most of my adult life but they seem to have gone away recently). I also don’t know to what extent my actions contributed to my brothers condition. Or even his outlook on people in general, it’s really hard to not attribute everything wrong with him to my actions to some degree, our experiences do shape who we are, specially in childhood.

I don’t know what I should do and how to even begin to heal, do I even deserve to?, how can I when my brother will always be bipolar?, why should I heal when he can’t, his manic and depressive episodes are rare but even when he’s not undergoing an episode he is still medicated, his pills take all the energy out of him, he walks slow, talks slow, and works slow when medicated, his eyes are barely open at times, there are many glimses of his former self when he was energetic, social and enthusiastic, but they’re few and far inbetween, that said his life is generally not terrible, he got married recently and he seems okay as long as he is working And taking the pills, but he gets depressive when he’s idle, Another topic I think about a lot is whether or not I should apologize, I often think I would be selfish for doing so, also he might want to hate me and gets catharsis from that or he probably doesn’t want to ever think about it, same way I don’t want to think about our molester, but he doesn’t seem to harbour any ill will towards me, he even tries to help me often. Like giving me advice after my diagnosis. Or ideas for making money etc…are these just excuses because I think an apology for something that happened twenty years ago when we were both children would be very awkward, I should note that I have already gave a general blanket apology to all my brothers for being a bully and abusing them when we were children but that doesn’t feel anywhere near sufficient considering what I did.

I have never actually told any of this to anyone not in person nor online, even just writing it feels oddly therapeutic, I had to stop myself from crying multiple times while writing it, but I could really use some advice, so please help me if you can, thanks in advance.
 
Do you have ptsd?
Does your brother have ptsd?

I should note that I have already gave a general blanket apology to all my brothers for being a bully and abusing them when we were children
Leave it at this.

If and when your brother decides this is something he needs to explore with you for some reason, then he can let you know.
 
Do you have ptsd?
Does your brother have ptsd?


Leave it at this.

If and when your brother decides this is something he needs to explore with you for some reason, then he can let you know.
I don’t think either of us have ptsd, like I have some of the symptoms but that’s probably due to my Adhd

Do you have ptsd?
Does your brother have ptsd?


Leave it at this.

If and when your brother decides this is something he needs to explore with you for some reason, then he can let you know.
I’m not certain that my brother doesn’t have ptsd, he was extremely irritable for most of his adult life, he was generally angry and hostile towards our family and all of his brothers not just me, he probably only calmed down after the pills, he would also stay up all night multiple nights in a row right before a manic episode.
but I don’t remember him being jumpy or easily startled unless he is in an episode, but he randomly brought up our molester during his last depressive episode, I got the impression he wasn’t coherent or making sense (from my parents) and I don’t know what he said exactly because I wasn’t there for it but it was enough for my parents to ask me if he was fully raped by our molester to which I replied “not likely since we were inseparable, the molester would only stay with us for relatively short periods of time few and far between, and I don’t think he would have gotten him alone in the house long enough, I also remember telling my brother we should stay away from our molester after the molestation repeated a lot when he would get us under a blanket and tell us stories” also he would have probably told me since he would often tell me but I don’t actually know for a fact that he didn’t get further with him than me if he was getting bullied or things of that nature, but it would make sense that our molester would target the youngest less aware child if he was going to take things further
 
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