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Sexual Assault I was sexually abused when I was younger and I can't remember what happened.

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Never_34

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I don't know what to do. I am going to therapy to help with my past trauma. I was sexually abused when I was younger, probably around the age of 4-6. I can't seem to remember what happened either. My family keeps telling me that I need to remember so I can put it in the past. However, I am not sure I want to remember. My brain blocked those memories for a reason. My body clenches up every time I bring the topic up with my family or they bring something up that has anything to with the sexual abuse. I can't exactly remember, what I have gathered was that the people who sexually abused me left me permanently traumatized and left me with sexual behaviors that I have had to deal with. I have shown sexual behaviors from a young age such as masturbation. I have always felt ashamed and disgusted with myself whenever I performed it because I knew it was wrong. I did it at first because it felt good, but now I feel numb when I do it. I can't go to sleep without masturbating unless I am exhausted from a long day. I want to stop the masturbation because I feel disgusted when I do it and I know it had to do with my sexual abuse. I want to let my trauma go and stop this horrid act. I know masturbation is a way for people to release sexual tension, but it is different for me since I share a different type of history with it. My sexual abuse also led to other sexual encounters with my siblings and with my dad's friend who was a predator. There are some things you need to know before I continue.

At least 3 of my siblings have suffered from sexual abuse from what I know of. When we had these "encounters", we were very young children and were not aware of the idea of sexual activity or other dangers in the world. From my perspective, I thought it was a game and I simply went along with it because I thought we were playing. I am now aware that was not the case and regret it deeply. My siblings and I never talked about it, and I assume we silently accepted it but never truly forgave one another. We all are aware that are actions in the past were wrong. I tend to bring those sexual encounters up with them because if we ever let go of our trauma, we need to address all loose ends. My siblings and I are close but there was always that wall. I won't go near my older brother more than 3 feet. My youngers siblings and I will not evade each other's personal bubbles and we hardly have any physical contact with one another. The sexual encounters mostly were touching, but still, that does not make this any less awkward. I assure you that we are going to get help. Although, if you have any advice, I will take it.

Moving to the other sexual encounter, I was older around the time this happened. I was about 7 or 8 years old. My dad's friend who happened to be a predator tried to touch both me and my younger sister. He had pictures of young girls on his phones in bathing suits. He told me that those were his girlfriends. After that, he told me to get into the underdog position and he tried to pull down my pants and take a picture of my bottom (multiple times). Due to being in sexual encounters before, my instincts started to kick in and I wouldn't let it continue. I went upstairs and told my dad what happened. The guy was thrown out after that. I was young and impressionable. I want to move past this but I afraid I can't until I let go of the grudge, I hold against him. That was my experience with him. I don't even know what he tried to with my younger sister who was barely out of toddlerhood. I don't know what she went through, and it makes my blood boil. I want to help her and my siblings.

There was a case involving my first sexual encounter with the person or people, but there wasn't enough evidence to continue it. I also want you to take into consideration that this case involved my two of my younger siblings as well. Please leave me your advice because I have no idea what to now. I wish to move past this and help my siblings with their trauma as well.
 
What that predator did to you is terrible! So glad you told your dad and he acted immediately, that sends a powerful message to your wise self. I’m sorry you are so tormented by your past. It sounds exhausting. That’s a lot of feelings that you are dealing with. Is there a professional therapist/counselor you can go to to help sort through it? You would get the most help from them but a few things stood out to me that I want to comment on.
My family keeps telling me that I need to remember so I can put it in the past. However, I am not sure I want to remember. My brain blocked those memories for a reason. My body clenches
Your family is not helping you here. That’s not how memory works, you can’t force yourself and if you do you could end up with false memories just to appease them.
sexual behaviors from a young age such as masturbation.
This, in itself, is not evidence of sexual assault. I’m not saying you weren’t assaulted, just that people develop curiosity about their bodies along a spectrum of ages and some people do masturbate from a young age.
I feel disgusted when I do it and I know it had to do with my sexual abuse. I want to let my trauma go and stop this horrid act.
The act is not horrid, it’s normal. And it sounds like your body-mind is using it as a coping tool to the exclusion of other coping tools. You are disgusted because you have a deeply seated notion about sexuality possibly due to sexual assault, possibly due to societal conditioning, possibly due to other beliefs. Sorting all that out, slowly, is what therapists are good at.
are actions in the past were wrong
Exploring bodies with other children is also normal. Your feelings about it are linked to your experiences and to conditioning, which can be explored with a professional.
Please leave me your advice because I have no idea what to now. I wish to move past this and help my siblings
Understandable that you would want to move past it. By working on your relationship with yourself, along with a guide to that murky world of memories and feelings, you can become a role model and encourager for your siblings.
 
OliveJewel,
This, in itself, is not evidence of sexual assault. I’m not saying you weren’t assaulted, just that people develop curiosity about their bodies along a spectrum of ages and some people do masturbate from a young age.
Even though I can't remember, my parents told me that I started masturbating right after my first sexual encounter. I went to a therapist and counselors after that, and they have confirmed that was due to that encounter.
The act is not horrid, it’s normal. And it sounds like your body-mind is using it as a coping tool to the exclusion of other coping tools.
I still don't like doing it. I respect that its normal, but it is not for me. I never thought of it as a coping tool. I'll take that into consideration.
Exploring bodies with other children is also normal. Your feelings about it are linked to your experiences and to conditioning, which can be explored with a professional.
Still doesn't make it any better than I did it with my siblings. That is wrong and disgusting. I know I was young, but I haunted by it.

Thank you for your advice.
 
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