Sexual Assault I don’t know if I was sexually abused as a child because I can’t remember

[Fiyaonly]

When I was 5 years old I went to a sleepover at my friends house. It was my first sleepover ever and I remember being scared and wanting to go home. In the night my friend went to sleep with her parents. The only thing I can remember after that is her dad laying next to me in bed as I cried.

I’d always been a distant child and I was extremely nervous and still am. I guess I experienced some form of dissociation in my childhood as I would randomly switch off and would frequently get this fuzzy feeling in my body and brain after something triggered me and there would be this weird voice each time that spoke to me like a baby and I always felt to disgusted when I came to. I started to become hyper-sexual very early on and I remember watching porn from around 8 or 9 years old.

I’m scared something happened that night but I can only remember him in that bed with me and my silent crying. I know that the brain can block trauma and I’m still only 16 but I’m also very scared that I’ve just made this all up for some unknown reason.

My mum did verify that she found out that he slept in bed with me so I know I’m not making that part up but I just wish I knew everything that happened.

 

[arfie]

hello fiaonly. welcome to the forum.

yes, the brain can block trauma, but it can, just as easily, insert details. as a mother and foster mother, i have seen more than one child traumatized by sleeping in an unfamiliar environment, be the trauma a fresh seizure into foster care or a shy child sleeping away from home for the first time. it is not uncommon for the memories of the trauma to go unexpected places during the confusion of adolescent awakenings.

which is which remains a mystery for many of us. steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.

 

[Bland]

When I was 5 years old I went to a sleepover at my friends house. It was my first sleepover ever and I remember being scared and wanting to go home. In the night my friend went to sleep with her parents. The only thing I can remember after that is her dad laying next to me in bed as I cried.

I’d always been a distant child and I was extremely nervous and still am. I guess I experienced some form of dissociation in my childhood as I would randomly switch off and would frequently get this fuzzy feeling in my body and brain after something triggered me and there would be this weird voice each time that spoke to me like a baby and I always felt to disgusted when I came to. I started to become hyper-sexual very early on and I remember watching porn from around 8 or 9 years old.

I’m scared something happened that night but I can only remember him in that bed with me and my silent crying. I know that the brain can block trauma and I’m still only 16 but I’m also very scared that I’ve just made this all up for some unknown reason.

My mum did verify that she found out that he slept in bed with me so I know I’m not making that part up but I just wish I knew everything that happened.

i'm not sure why he would've been sleeping in bed with you at all. if you feel like you dissociate the best advice i can give you is to see someone. i can't be concrete as i don't know enough but it sounds like something probably happened. i don't know if its for sure concerning him. when i went through something similar what helped sort things out for me was to write down exactly what happened to me the night i was hurt. i would remember more and more and go back to it

 

[Rose White]

My hot take is that (assuming you are in a Western country like US, UK, AUS, etc.) if you were raised in a family which allowed you to sleep over at age five and your mom is cool with the dad having laid in bed with you (without explaining why) then your child-self recognized that you were not very well protected, which in itself could be processed as traumatizing regardless of what happened.

Metaphor: when a wild or feral animal is captured their mind-body reacts as if they are about to be killed—fight, flight, freeze—regardless of the intentions of the person capturing them. If the animal is not killed they have to process the trauma—shaking, crying, resting—until their body-mind returns to a neutral state, either through release or conditioning to accept captivity.

A five-year-old human is exceedingly vulnerable and their body-mind knows this intuitively but hides it from the ego as such knowledge would be debilitating and block curiosity, which can, in itself, allow for escape from threatening situations. When a person is old enough to recognize that they were in danger during their vulnerable developmental stages their body-mind has to process that and attempts to get to a neutral state.