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Childhood I think I might have been sexually abused as a kid

Darling07

New Here
I just want to apologize. It’s twelve in the morning where I am and I couldn’t get my thoughts equally put together. Sorry if it’s out of place at points.

I’m sixteen and have been trying to explore my own sexuality like everyone else my age. I’ve been trying to explore masterbation but all attempts just led to nothing. So I did what any person probably would have and started googling. All results lead me back to vaginismus, which while it can happen due to other reasons. It can happen due to sexual assault. I’ve never been physically assaulted but it just lead me to look up some of the other affects childhood assault can have. I fit most of them, but I have no memories of it. I’ve always had a bad memory and my childhood can get fuzzy, but I feel like I should be able to remember some doing this to me. I know I was groomed as a child, but I don't know if anything outside of online grooming happened to me.



I know since I was at least ten I’ve worried about sexual assault; I used to get nervous staying over at my grandma’s house out of fear maybe my uncle would touch me. I don’t know why I got scared of this. I’ve never been touched before. At the time, it’s not like I really knew a lot about being raped or sexual assault. After that, I just noticed everyone; any adult male who paid attention to me wanted me for more. I had a bus driver who I can remember giving me special treatment. I was terrified of him. I was only ten. He never touched me, but I was still scared he might try to. I used to fake being sick or miss the bus so I wouldn’t have to see him.

I built up the need to be noticed by older guys. All of my crushes were older men. Everyone around me still makes fun of me for being really only interested in men way past my age. I can’t explain why it happened. It just did. The one guy I’m really into right now is seventy-four. I get so mixed on if I like him or if I want him to be my dad, then I just get disgusted with myself. I dressed way older than I should have and put so much emphasis on the fact I had boobs coming in. Like, if I could wear anything, I made sure my bra was showing. No guys ever did anything, no kids in my school ever had a crush on me, so it’s not like anything happened there.

I used to get so lonely that despite the fact I was under the age of twelve; I downloaded a dating app and pretended to be twenty. I sent my own nudes out like that, and then I would feel disgusted and delete it all. But every few years I would do it again. Including last year, where it had been another woman who convinced me to send her nudes. I just thought she wanted to be my friend, she did not.

I have this giant fear that any guy who gets close to me wants nothing more than to hurt me. My dad and I spent time together recently, it was a lot of time. I really thought he might have been interested in me. I was horrified by my own thoughts. Nobody looks at a moment with their dad and thinks that. A few nights ago I had a detailed dream where I was forced to have sex with someone who was taking a dad role and I was a child. I was upset, and I was begging, but he wouldn’t stop. I woke up ashamed. No one else thought of these things.

My oldest brother is autistic, but he’s always been really weird to me. I don’t want to say anything about it because what if because of his autism he truly didn’t understand what he was doing? Not like my parents would really do anything to help me. He used to (still sometimes) hit us, but he always got away with it no matter how bad it got. He’ll randomly say weird things like calling me his princess once despite the fact he had never done that before. If I go anywhere, he follows. If I do anything, he watches. He’s got me so paranoid that he’s going to hurt me. I lock the doors, and I’m terrified he’ll still get in. Or he’s got some camera watching me no matter where I go. I swear I think he’s touched me. I know he’s touching my butt and groped my shoulder, but I can’t really put together if that’s what really happened. Hell, he even gets me thinking I’m being stalked.

These thoughts have only gotten worse. I’m constantly worrying about him. My brain is just constantly worrying about what if he did rape me, what if he does, and what if he hurts me worse than that.

I just need advice. It just feels like I’m losing it most of the time.
 
It just feels like I’m losing it most of the time.
This must be pretty distressing for you, and all by itself, is reason to reach out to local supports, such as school counsellors, or local/state/federal youth mental health supports. Getting youth-based support is really important - you’ll find people who understand the hot mess that your age group is dealing with, and the best advice on how to deal with it.
I know since I was at least ten I’ve worried about sexual assault;
So - this isn’t so unusual. Because of the amount of exposure young people (yep, even pre-pubescent kids) get every day to sexually charged themes. If you’re naturally inclined to worry (some folks are), that’s an almost natural thing for someone in your demographic to worry about.

Doesn’t mean nothing happened to you. But it is pretty normal. Distressing and isolating. But normal.
Everyone around me still makes fun of me for being really only interested in men way past my age.
Not a nice thing to be made fun of, and probably (unintentionally) has been feeding on the amount of shame you seem to be carrying around because of your thoughts and feelings. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You happen to be attracted to older men. Loads of women are attracted to older men. Sexual attraction isn’t something we rationally choose for ourselves, it just happens. And it’s totally okay.
I dressed way older than I should have and put so much emphasis on the fact I had boobs coming in.
If I had a dollar for everyone who harboured shame over how they used to dress when they were younger!! You were expressing yourself, experimenting with what felt comfortable. That’s something you had the guts to do. You aren’t required to ‘get it right’ at that age - the fact you had to dress the way you wanted is something to be proud of. Even if you choose to dress differently now, high five your younger self for the guts they had to be themselves.
I used to get so lonely that despite the fact I was under the age of twelve; I downloaded a dating app and pretended to be twenty.
Yeah, this is a minefield. And a very sensitive area, particularly when you’re talking to the older generation. Thing is - most kids have been trying these apps out by the age of 12 these days.

You can let go of any shame you have about that, and put it down to experience.
I was horrified by my own thoughts.
This is where things start to get knarly, and where support earlier has a huge impact on preventing major mental health issues developing. So reach out and get support. Being afraid of your thoughts is not a comfortable way to live. You don’t need to be dealing with that. Get some support to get rid of that fear, so it doesn’t become a much deeper mental health issue.
He used to (still sometimes) hit us, but he always got away with it no matter how bad it got. He’ll randomly say weird things like calling me his princess once despite the fact he had never done that before. If I go anywhere, he follows. If I do anything, he watches. He’s got me so paranoid that he’s going to hurt me.
This is something which, all by itself, you should reach out for support with.

The thing is that it doesn’t actually matter whether the person who hit meant to be violent or not. It still leaves a bruise. Same with words. Same with creepy behaviour.

Just because your brother has a condition, doesn’t mean you aren’t as sensitive to abuse as anyone else. Even though he may not mean to hurt you, or maybe doesn’t know better in the moment - it still hurts. And you don’t need to be coping with that without support.
 
The thing is that it doesn’t actually matter whether the person who hit meant to be violent or not. It still leaves a bruise. Same with words. Same with creepy behaviour.

Just because your brother has a condition, doesn’t mean you aren’t as sensitive to abuse as anyone else. Even though he may not mean to hurt you, or maybe doesn’t know better in the moment - it still hurts. And you don’t need to be coping with that without support.
I think this above is really important...

Don't underestimate the detrimental psychological, emotional and spiritual impact it has to grow up in a house where YOU DON'T EVER FEEL SAFE... and where you don't feel protected by those who should be protecting you from someone who you believe could hurt you at any time... this is massive.... and I think you could really benefit from proper trauma therapy to understand more... and work through some difficult stuff...

I don't want to make judgements here but it sounds to me like your care givers aren't doing enough to understand how you feel about your brother's behaviour or putting enough safe guards in place to protect you... being on constant alert in case something bad happens to you is NOT a healthy way to grow up and could have a lasting negative impact on forming/ keeping healthy relationships... your brother's autism isn't an excuse for why you have to feel unsafe in your own home and violated...

if you can, I'd encourage you to sit down and talk with anyone in your family who you think will listen about this.. and if you can't do that, reach outside to find help with how to deal with it...a school counselor perhaps? this paranoia likely won't go away on its own whilst you're still at home... and clearly it's not all in your head. Changes need to be made so you can feel safe in your own home.
 
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