Sexual Assault I'm scared I might have been a COCSA abuser when I was 12/13 (I am now 16)

[Snap]

On 7/4/25 I was up at 2 am watching tv. The show I was watching had themes of SA. I randomly got a memory of me committing COCSA. The memory was of me reaching out my foot while sitting on the couch to touch against the outside of my sisters thigh when she was walking by. At this time she would've been 17/18 (I know her being 18 wouldn't make her a child but since she was so close my brain thinks of it as COCSA). I got this memory and it freaked me out. Everyone I've told about it (Parents, pediatrician, and therapist) tells me that what I did was an extremely small thing, but the thought of me touching my sister for a sexual purpose without her consent disturbs me. I remembered questioning details of it, but not letting myself question them too much because I didn't want to absolve myself of guilt. On 7/6/25 I got the memory of this maybe just being an intrusive thought I had at the time. I didn't give this thought much attention because again I didn't want to absolve myself of guilt. On 7/8/25 I reached a point of being extremely suicidal and was heavily considering just killing myself. At that point I started questioning it more. I don't understand why I only started to remember this 3 years later. The next day I went to talk about it with my parents. They told me that they weren't sure of whether or not I did it and that my sister had never reported anything. They told me that I they would forgive me if I did. Later that day I was thinking about the memory. In the memory there was an bench acting as a footrest in front of the couch. She was walking between the bench and the couch and I put my feet back up on the couch to let her through and that was when I reached out. I remembered this happening back in 2022, but at that time the bench wasn't in there. This has made me seriously question the validity of the memory. Every time I'm almost able to move past it and tell myself that even if it is true I've changed and wouldn't ever do it now my brain goes back to telling me I'm a horrible person and always will be. I don't want to absolve myself of guilt if I actually did it. I want there to be some sort of consequence. I can't ask my sister about whether or not she remembers this happening because it could easily be mistaken for anytime I might have accidentally bumped into her. She seems like she's fine interacting with me, but I'm scared I might have left her with some sort of trauma. Thinking about whether or not it actually happened gets me nowhere and just results in my brain stuck for hours.

 

[Snap]

Also wanted to add that I've had a significant porn addiction since I was 11

 

[Sideways]

Do I understand it right that you touch the side of your sister’s leg with your foot, and that’s what’s giving rise to these fears?

What is it that’s sexual in that interaction? I’m struggling to follow that reasoning.

I'm scared I might have left her with some sort of trauma.

Does someone sitting with you on a couch, briefly touching your leg with their their foot, seem traumatic to you? Genuine question?

It sounds like you have a really distressing fixation on these thoughts. That’s worth seeking help for, to learn strategies to make it not-distressing. But also to prevent a pattern developing where your mind starts causing you serious distress and dysfunction from ruminating on benign past events.

All by itself, that can snowball into a seriously dysfunctional mental health issue. So it’s worth taking it seriously, and reaching out for some help, to learn strategies to get yourself back to a state of wellbeing.

Also, that event won’t, by itself, cause either of you to develop ptsd. In case that’s why you came to this particular forum.

 

[Friday]

What is it that’s sexual in that interaction? I’m struggling to follow that reasoning.

It’s like the wind blowing, or a fuzzy rug, or a scent on the air popping a boner (male), or melting bones (female), hormone thing at that age. COMPLETLY NORMAL. Massive sexual desire/surge as hormones flood, ebb, flood… around COMPLETELY NORMAL nonsexual moments in life.

Most people just YIKES! … and move on (and laugh like crazy about it, years later, once the mortifying embarrassment passes & people come to learn how “that’s part of growing up”)… but some pathologise, fixate, obsess over. Which is indicative of OTHER disorders & conditions, but not PTSD.

@Snap …people are telling you it’s normal, because? It’s normal.

If it’s taken on crazy deep meaning for you? THAT is not normal. And is indicative of many possible things. None of those things are PTSD.

 

[Snap]

Do I understand it right that you touch the side of your sister’s leg with your foot, and that’s what’s giving rise to these fears?

What is it that’s sexual in that interaction? I’m struggling to follow that reasoning.


Does someone sitting with you on a couch, briefly touching your leg with their their foot, seem traumatic to you? Genuine question?

It sounds like you have a really distressing fixation on these thoughts. That’s worth seeking help for, to learn strategies to make it not-distressing. But also to prevent a pattern developing where your mind starts causing you serious distress and dysfunction from ruminating on benign past events.

All by itself, that can snowball into a seriously dysfunctional mental health issue. So it’s worth taking it seriously, and reaching out for some help, to learn strategies to get yourself back to a state of wellbeing.

Also, that event won’t, by itself, cause either of you to develop ptsd. In case that’s why you came to this particular forum.

It has been a few days and I randomly came back to this. I understand that I probably posted this in the wrong place and I'm sorry for that. At that moment I was at a very low point and needed to talk about it and stumbled upon this website. A few hours later I regretted posting about it so I deleted my account (I just did recovery to respond and will probably delete it once I'm done). I think my issue right now is ruminating over the idea that I might have done something to touch my sister with some sort of sexual intent. I know me giving her trauma is irrational, but for some reason I was worrying about it at the time. I think there are probably other things I need to work out in my life related to this like constant intrusive thoughts and ruminating over uncertainty, but I understand that it's not related to ptsd and I shouldn't have posted about it here. I know that this situation probably sounds dumb to anyone I explain it to, but for some reason it has really affected over this past month. It's probably because I have a desire for there to be justice so the idea of me getting away with something wrong bothers me a lot. Maybe I'll update when I move past it but for now I'm gonna go back to having this account deleted.

 

[Sideways]

I know that this situation probably sounds dumb to anyone I explain it to, but for some reason it has really affected over this past month.

It doesn’t sound dumb. It sounds distressing.

I included the comment about ptsd to help prevent you going down that particular rabbit hole - glad to hear that’s not a problem.

But the distress you’re having over these thoughts? That’s real. And it’s something you deserve support with - because it doesn’t need to be this distressing, and there is help.

 

[Snap]

It doesn’t sound dumb. It sounds distressing.

I included the comment about ptsd to help prevent you going down that particular rabbit hole - glad to hear that’s not a problem.

But the distress you’re having over these thoughts? That’s real. And it’s something you deserve support with - because it doesn’t need to be this distressing, and there is help.

It's been a bit and I wanted to come back to give an update. I not doing great right now but I have identified a cause for me not being able to move on. I realized that I have OCD. Throughout my life I've constantly looked reassurance when faced with uncertainty (the original post I made was me doing that). None of that reassurance makes me feel any better though. Trying to stop myself from acting on compulsions has been difficult. It feels like I have to constantly let my brain beat me up because fighting back only makes it worse. At this point I'm glad to have identified a cause and am hoping to get better eventually.

 

[Snap]

It's been a bit and I wanted to come back to give an update. I not doing great right now but I have identified a cause for me not being able to move on. I realized that I have OCD. Throughout my life I've constantly looked reassurance when faced with uncertainty (the original post I made was me doing that). None of that reassurance makes me feel any better though. Trying to stop myself from acting on compulsions has been difficult. It feels like I have to constantly let my brain beat me up because fighting back only makes it worse. At this point I'm glad to have identified a cause and am hoping to get better eventually.

It's been a month and I thought of this again. I feel like I haven't made much progress this month. My school started back up on august 4th and it's been weird how it interacts with my ocd. It stops me from doing the compulsions like reassurance seeking since I use social media for that and I can't use that at school. I don't know if this is a good thing though. It keeps me from being able to get the obsessive thoughts out of my head. I had a couple times so far this year where I needed to go home because I got way too stressed out. I realized this month that I've become occasionally suicidal and have thoughts that I deserve to die.