I know nobody can possibly have an answer for this, including myself. But I want to know anyone's opinions on this ramble of mine. Do you have a similar experience?
Hope to hear back from someone x
Lately I have been thinking about my past, a lot. It made me realise, more and more just how abnormal my knowledge of sex was as a child. The more I think, the more things that make sense if something happened to me when I was younger. Sexual abuse. It has to be, I can feel it. But I can't explain it.
I'm 25 now. I'm in a safe, stable long-term relationship. We have two lovely children together. Although I have depression (diagnosed in my mid-teens), I have never felt quite like I do lately. I'm teary all the time, feeling secluded from everyone, not wanting anyone to see my body. I keep having weird flashbacks/memories/feelings of something being off when I was young. I don't know what it is though, it's hard to explain. I have lost all of my drive for sex recently. I'm wetting myself regularly (and that started happening way after my pregnancies so unlikely related). I even wet the bed on occasion.
I was always the timid, scared, anxious little girl.
I had an unusual knowledge of sex as a small child. One thing I remember vividly was giving 'oral' I suppose, to a large teddy bear. I was on my own and I heard someone coming and I stopped like nothing had happened.
Another vivid memory I have is when I made a leaflet/book type thing, I was 8 at absolute oldest, and it was very naive drawings I'd done of different sex positions. I kept it hidden.
Around the same age, I, rather inappropriately and out of character, wrote down phrases like 'kiss my breasts' on pieces of paper and put them through strangers letter boxes, I don't know why, I was alone, no friends about so it wasn't a 'joke' or anything, I don’t know what triggered this behaviour. :/
I know that when I was 9ish I was really curious about my sister's 'grown up' science book that she had for highschool, my parents didn't let me look at it, so naturally I sneakily read it one day and it was just biology, all the technical parts of sex/pregnancy etc I guess- which I DIDN'T know, but I already had knowledge of the naughty stuff like positions and oral.
I think a big thing for me is that I knew it should all be a secret. I knew I shouldn't know or talk about this stuff. My parents had no clue about this stuff, I was totally secretive, but how did I know all of this in the first place?
I went on to be a bit sex mad. I had an intense lust for men, when I was just 10. By 11 I was talking to men suggestively on online games forums and stuff.
I began to masturbate around then, too.
At 12 I got Facebook, I started talking to a boy there that I went to school with. We spoke about having unprotected sex and things. My sister, being a protective adult by then, logged in to my account- caught me messaging him this stuff and told my parents. Mum was concerned, clearly, but knew I was obviously embarrassed, my dad was furious and worried that I'd go and end up pregnant or something. I told them that I just said that stuff to be liked, won't happen again etc and that was that.
I was easily persuaded and drawn to men. At 13 I had met multiple people over a few months for oral sex.
I lost my virginity at 14. And so on.
Here I am today.
I am confident my parents have nothing to do with anything weird. My dad has always been openly mouthy and against dodgy blokes/nonces- like any normal person is. My mum was sweet and loving, if I was allowed to watch a sketch show or something, anything too rude and mum would cover my eyes lol.
I did have a few private child minders when I was little, but dad doesn't remember any names or anything as mum sorted all that stuff out, and unfortunately she passed 10 years ago. My older sister doesn't remember any names. I was hoping something would jog my memory, release something lodged in there, but it's all just cloudy.
Sorry for the long post. I hope someone can offer their thoughts.
Hope to hear back from someone x
Lately I have been thinking about my past, a lot. It made me realise, more and more just how abnormal my knowledge of sex was as a child. The more I think, the more things that make sense if something happened to me when I was younger. Sexual abuse. It has to be, I can feel it. But I can't explain it.
I'm 25 now. I'm in a safe, stable long-term relationship. We have two lovely children together. Although I have depression (diagnosed in my mid-teens), I have never felt quite like I do lately. I'm teary all the time, feeling secluded from everyone, not wanting anyone to see my body. I keep having weird flashbacks/memories/feelings of something being off when I was young. I don't know what it is though, it's hard to explain. I have lost all of my drive for sex recently. I'm wetting myself regularly (and that started happening way after my pregnancies so unlikely related). I even wet the bed on occasion.
I was always the timid, scared, anxious little girl.
I had an unusual knowledge of sex as a small child. One thing I remember vividly was giving 'oral' I suppose, to a large teddy bear. I was on my own and I heard someone coming and I stopped like nothing had happened.
Another vivid memory I have is when I made a leaflet/book type thing, I was 8 at absolute oldest, and it was very naive drawings I'd done of different sex positions. I kept it hidden.
Around the same age, I, rather inappropriately and out of character, wrote down phrases like 'kiss my breasts' on pieces of paper and put them through strangers letter boxes, I don't know why, I was alone, no friends about so it wasn't a 'joke' or anything, I don’t know what triggered this behaviour. :/
I know that when I was 9ish I was really curious about my sister's 'grown up' science book that she had for highschool, my parents didn't let me look at it, so naturally I sneakily read it one day and it was just biology, all the technical parts of sex/pregnancy etc I guess- which I DIDN'T know, but I already had knowledge of the naughty stuff like positions and oral.
I think a big thing for me is that I knew it should all be a secret. I knew I shouldn't know or talk about this stuff. My parents had no clue about this stuff, I was totally secretive, but how did I know all of this in the first place?
I went on to be a bit sex mad. I had an intense lust for men, when I was just 10. By 11 I was talking to men suggestively on online games forums and stuff.
I began to masturbate around then, too.
At 12 I got Facebook, I started talking to a boy there that I went to school with. We spoke about having unprotected sex and things. My sister, being a protective adult by then, logged in to my account- caught me messaging him this stuff and told my parents. Mum was concerned, clearly, but knew I was obviously embarrassed, my dad was furious and worried that I'd go and end up pregnant or something. I told them that I just said that stuff to be liked, won't happen again etc and that was that.
I was easily persuaded and drawn to men. At 13 I had met multiple people over a few months for oral sex.
I lost my virginity at 14. And so on.
Here I am today.
I am confident my parents have nothing to do with anything weird. My dad has always been openly mouthy and against dodgy blokes/nonces- like any normal person is. My mum was sweet and loving, if I was allowed to watch a sketch show or something, anything too rude and mum would cover my eyes lol.
I did have a few private child minders when I was little, but dad doesn't remember any names or anything as mum sorted all that stuff out, and unfortunately she passed 10 years ago. My older sister doesn't remember any names. I was hoping something would jog my memory, release something lodged in there, but it's all just cloudy.
Sorry for the long post. I hope someone can offer their thoughts.
