Sexual Assault I think i sexually abused my younger cousins?

[anon5046]

It started when i was 5 or 6 when i got exposed to porn by my cousin who was the same age, she found her older brothers dvds and we used to watch it whenever i went to her house. Because of that i used to reenact that behavior and hump other kids at school and engage in sexual acts with them. What's bothering me is what i did to my younger cousins. So when i was around 7/8 i remember humping my cousin who was around 2. and doing it to another younger cousin who was 2 when i was 10. I didn't realize what i did was wrong until i was around 14 and its been bothering me. I'm 18 now and i feel guilty and sick. Every time i see them i'm reminded of what i did. It makes me want to kill myself.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Part of the problem is you were a child. Did you know what you were doing or were you copying. How did adults respond at the time? Talk to your cousins, own up to them and dicuss the issues. It will continue to affect you and them until you do.

Get into therapy either way and work on resolving the issues laid bare.

 

[Anon5046]

I was just copying. No adults know what I did. I was thinking of confessing to my stepmom, but I don’t know how she would react. And I don’t think my cousins remember what happened.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

It involved.your cousins, you're worried about their opinions and the effects on them. Realised they are still young. You were a child, watched something you shouldn't have and it had an effect on you. Talk to a responsible adult you can rely upon.

Maybe someone else here that has dealt with more and has a better understanding can provide some input. Maybe talking to cousins and others would traumatise in itself.

Guilt for someone else's actions can have awful effects, for your own.... confront it, resolve it, otherwise the guilt will affect everything and everyone.

Sort out therapy, deal with the guilt and thoughts associated with what you did regardless.

 

[Movingforward10]

Do you have access to therapy?

The feelings of guilt sound unbearable, and finding a way to make peace with the past will help. Forgiving yourself. Understanding yourself.
Working with someone like a therapist might really help with that as they can open up ways of thinking and holding our pasta that we may not be able to on our own. Usually we get stuck in our own thoughts loops. Which it sounds you are stuck in.

I wouldn't suggest talking to your cousins about it. Like you say, they may not remember. They may not be ready for that conversation. There may be other things going on for them. You may need to work on accepting the unknown and uncertainty of how this may or may not have impacted them.

If they come to you to talk about it, then that's the moment to apologise.
Bearing in mind, that may take years and years before they do.

In the meantime, working it through for yourself will help.

You were a child. A young child. Learning to forgive yourself.
You're not a monster.
If you were, you wouldn't have this heartache and regret about it.

 

[taking_a_break]

Hi!

It started when i was 5 or 6 when i got exposed to porn by my cousin who was the same age, she found her older brothers dvds and we used to watch it whenever i went to her house. Because of that i used to reenact that behavior and hump other kids at school and engage in sexual acts with them. What's bothering me is what i did to my younger cousins. So when i was around 7/8 i remember humping my cousin who was around 2. and doing it to another younger cousin who was 2 when i was 10. I didn't realize what i did was wrong until i was around 14 and its been bothering me. I'm 18 now and i feel guilty and sick. Every time i see them i'm reminded of what i did. It makes me want to kill myself.

Hi! It's insane how similar our story is. When I was a child, I experienced a non contact COCSA at 3, which is exposed to a porn by my 2 neighborhood. My innocence got stolen away but I don't hold any resentment towards my abuser. It feel weird to call my 2 neighborhood an 'abuser', since they probably didn't know any better. And when I was 7 or 10 years old, I got groomed and had a sexual contact with an older men. These actions blurred most of the line between what was right and wrong. So I kind of normalize these actions. I also had a lack of cognitive and suffered from emotional and verbal abuse from my parents.



When I was 11, I saw this dry hump actions in some movie or video, and at that time I thought it was normal or it wasn't wrong or it wasn't a sex. So I decided to do it to my 2 years old brother for playful and experimenting purpose, and I never have any sexual intent. I never knew it was wrong or it was sexual contact. When I grew older I realized that my actions back then was borderline abusive, and that's where I fell into a deep guilt and shame. I carried this painful guilt and shame all to myself, years and years later. I never opened up or reach out to anyone, even I couldn't reach out to my friends or my girlfriend. My shame constantly told me that I don't deserve peace and help because I'm an abuser, and unfortunately I believed my shame lies.



But after I stepped into the young adult age, I realized that what I did was a mistake, a one off mistake, and my child self didn't know any better and was an abused child. This encourage me to work on myself, distinguish shame, counselling, and etc. It was worth it. I haven't talk about this to my brother, just in case he is not ready about it. I'm currently healing and working on myself with my therapist and support group.



You're not alone with this. Please work on yourself or talk to counsellor, and if you can, reach out. You were a child that doesn't know any better and is just copying what you've just saw. Work on yourself first. Your cousin may or may not remember it but it'll come out. If your cousin brings it up, take that as an opportunity to apologize and make amend. Peace n' love ❤

 

[Anon5046]

Hi!

Hi! It's insane how similar our story is. When I was a child, I experienced a non contact COCSA at 3, which is exposed to a porn by my 2 neighborhood. My innocence got stolen away but I don't hold any resentment towards my abuser. It feel weird to call my 2 neighborhood an 'abuser', since they probably didn't know any better. And when I was 7 or 10 years old, I got groomed and had a sexual contact with an older men. These actions blurred most of the line between what was right and wrong. So I kind of normalize these actions. I also had a lack of cognitive and suffered from emotional and verbal abuse from my parents.



When I was 11, I saw this dry hump actions in some movie or video, and at that time I thought it was normal or it wasn't wrong or it wasn't a sex. So I decided to do it to my 2 years old brother for playful and experimenting purpose, and I never have any sexual intent. I never knew it was wrong or it was sexual contact. When I grew older I realized that my actions back then was borderline abusive, and that's where I fell into a deep guilt and shame. I carried this painful guilt and shame all to myself, years and years later. I never opened up or reach out to anyone, even I couldn't reach out to my friends or my girlfriend. My shame constantly told me that I don't deserve peace and help because I'm an abuser, and unfortunately I believed my shame lies.



But after I stepped into the young adult age, I realized that what I did was a mistake, a one off mistake, and my child self didn't know any better and was an abused child. This encourage me to work on myself, distinguish shame, counselling, and etc. It was worth it. I haven't talk about this to my brother, just in case he is not ready about it. I'm currently healing and working on myself with my therapist and support group.



You're not alone with this. Please work on yourself or talk to counsellor, and if you can, reach out. You were a child that doesn't know any better and is just copying what you've just saw. Work on yourself first. Your cousin may or may not remember it but it'll come out. If your cousin brings it up, take that as an opportunity to apologize and make amend. Peace n' love

Hey, Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry that happened to you as well, Thanks for your advice