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Childhood I sexually abused my younger siblings and can‘t remember

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Recently, I had flashbacks of things that happened when I was younger, over a decade ago. I don‘t know my exact age when these events took place, somewhere inbetween 11 - 13 probably? It‘s hard for me to say because the memories lack contextual clues. What I do remember though has made me realize that my actions back then were sexual abusive towards my younger (3 & 6 years younger) siblings.

My memories are mostly sensory and flashes of visual, but what I have been able to combine is that I asked my younger siblings (I don‘t know if both were involved or only one?) to come cuddle in my room. I would then (I‘m so disgusted to write this) place them on top of me and move them so that their private parts would rub against mine. I had seen this in movies and people on MovieStarPlanet were also doing this in private chatrooms with their avatars, and I had already tried this with my stuffed animals and learnt it felt good. So, clearly sexual intent, because I knew it was sexual behavior. Afterwards, we would cuddle normally. I remember this happening once fully clothed and once in underwear (no idea how we ended up in underwear, or how I got the idea to do that - pretty sure I persuaded them to do that). I don‘t know if it happened more than those two instances? Maybe a third or forth time? I simply do not know and it upsets me a lot. I think I also remember my youngest brother being uncomfortable? And I think I labelled this as „butt-massaging“ or something like that? I’m so disgusted typing this out. I have a really hard time piecing the memories together. I‘m also struggling a lot with other memories mixing up with the ones I have as an attempt for me to fill the gaps in my memory. The only reason why I can pinpoint my age is because a play-fight with my middle brother escalated in us being in a similar position when I was 14 and my youngest brother came in and was visibly disturbed. If that didn‘t happen, I wouldn‘t even be sure that I wasn‘t 16,17,18. i simply do not remember. Is there a way for me to remember? I‘m really scared I‘m repressing details that would make it even worse, like if they cried and I ignored it or stuff like that.

I don‘t know how to go on with life knowing I did that. Having done that to my younger siblings, to literal children, is atrocious and horrible and I don‘t understand why I would do that. Yes, I was curious, but I should have known better. I harmed children, in the worst way possible. I‘m so, so incredibly sorry for what has happened. It was never discovered or disclosed, and when I recently talked to my siblings about if something from our childhood was bothering them, they answered no and that they barely have any memories with me. Which, to me, indicates they probably repressed these events happening. Still means they could feel the consequences and simply not relate it to these events.

The guilt is eating me up. I have spent weeks now reading every bit of information and every survivor story there is out there on the topic. I‘ve talked to hotlines. I‘ve cried and cried and I don‘t deserve the pain to stop because I have caused much bigger pain. I can‘t go on with my day-to-day activities. I cannot think of anything else, even for a second. Child abusers don’t deserve shit, and I am one. I want to come clean about it, but I feel so lost because my brothers don‘t remember and what if I do more damage right now?. They deserve an apology and for me to take responsibility. Their healing is priority number 1.

If you, too, have been a victim of COCSA or SSA, I‘m so sorry. So, so sorry. You did not deserve this. It wasn‘t your fault, and it‘s not your shame to carry. I hope you‘ll be able to heal.
I have recently started getting the same flashbacks, I did the same thing you described, but I’m a girl so I did it to my younger brother, by sitting on top of him. I think I did, I can’t remember -it’s a a blur. But I’ve been getting these flashbacks too and the guilt is killing me, I can’t bear it it makes me sick to my stomach I can’t stop crying. I’m scared he remembers and is afraid or me I’m scared he hides it and is ashamed. We are 18+ now and have always had a good relationship I felt. But ever since I started getting these recent flashbacks i can’t find normality in our usual brither sister friendship. I’m constantly terrified it’s effecting him but I don’t want to ask him about it incase he doesn’t remember yet and traumatise him. I don’t understand why I would do that if I did and it’s making me repulsed with myself . I can’t remember details like when it was or how many times it happened or if he seemed uncomfortable. I’ve never thought of this before however the last year it has randomly come into my head and I haven’t been able to get it out since. I am absolutely f*cking mortified and don’t know how to live with myself it’s completely eating me up. I keep telling myself I was just a kid but he was too and I think did something Traumatising and now I can’t get out of my head that he is scared of me and feels uncomfortable around me and resents me. Even when we have a normal interaction I just want to be sick. I’m scared I’ve ruined his life and that he holds guilt and disgust towards himself and towards me. I really don’t know what to do. Your post is the only thing I’ve been able to find that I can relate to. If you got any help in the 2 years since you posted please share. I really don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this guilt and disgust at myself
 
Recently, I had flashbacks of things that happened when I was younger, over a decade ago. I don‘t know my exact age when these events took place, somewhere inbetween 11 - 13 probably? It‘s hard for me to say because the memories lack contextual clues. What I do remember though has made me realize that my actions back then were sexual abusive towards my younger (3 & 6 years younger) siblings.

My memories are mostly sensory and flashes of visual, but what I have been able to combine is that I asked my younger siblings (I don‘t know if both were involved or only one?) to come cuddle in my room. I would then (I‘m so disgusted to write this) place them on top of me and move them so that their private parts would rub against mine. I had seen this in movies and people on MovieStarPlanet were also doing this in private chatrooms with their avatars, and I had already tried this with my stuffed animals and learnt it felt good. So, clearly sexual intent, because I knew it was sexual behavior. Afterwards, we would cuddle normally. I remember this happening once fully clothed and once in underwear (no idea how we ended up in underwear, or how I got the idea to do that - pretty sure I persuaded them to do that). I don‘t know if it happened more than those two instances? Maybe a third or forth time? I simply do not know and it upsets me a lot. I think I also remember my youngest brother being uncomfortable? And I think I labelled this as „butt-massaging“ or something like that? I’m so disgusted typing this out. I have a really hard time piecing the memories together. I‘m also struggling a lot with other memories mixing up with the ones I have as an attempt for me to fill the gaps in my memory. The only reason why I can pinpoint my age is because a play-fight with my middle brother escalated in us being in a similar position when I was 14 and my youngest brother came in and was visibly disturbed. If that didn‘t happen, I wouldn‘t even be sure that I wasn‘t 16,17,18. i simply do not remember. Is there a way for me to remember? I‘m really scared I‘m repressing details that would make it even worse, like if they cried and I ignored it or stuff like that.

I don‘t know how to go on with life knowing I did that. Having done that to my younger siblings, to literal children, is atrocious and horrible and I don‘t understand why I would do that. Yes, I was curious, but I should have known better. I harmed children, in the worst way possible. I‘m so, so incredibly sorry for what has happened. It was never discovered or disclosed, and when I recently talked to my siblings about if something from our childhood was bothering them, they answered no and that they barely have any memories with me. Which, to me, indicates they probably repressed these events happening. Still means they could feel the consequences and simply not relate it to these events.

The guilt is eating me up. I have spent weeks now reading every bit of information and every survivor story there is out there on the topic. I‘ve talked to hotlines. I‘ve cried and cried and I don‘t deserve the pain to stop because I have caused much bigger pain. I can‘t go on with my day-to-day activities. I cannot think of anything else, even for a second. Child abusers don’t deserve shit, and I am one. I want to come clean about it, but I feel so lost because my brothers don‘t remember and what if I do more damage right now?. They deserve an apology and for me to take responsibility. Their healing is priority number 1.

If you, too, have been a victim of COCSA or SSA, I‘m so sorry. So, so sorry. You did not deserve this. It wasn‘t your fault, and it‘s not your shame to carry. I hope you‘ll be able to heal.

Thank you for sharing your story and giving me the strenght to share mine. I was first molested at 3 by a teenage neighbor, and then again at 7 by an older man. These interactions led me to be highly sexual as a child and engage in sexual acts with other children and my siblings from a young age. There was not a lot of parental supervision and some of the other kids were also molested by adults so we seemed to be in a sort of normalized sexual play. When I got older I was into getting high and one night drank a bottle of cough syrup and got all weird from it and have flash backs of doing something sexual to my 2yr old brother. I was 12 or 13. I somehow blocked it out so the details arw foggy but it was always in the back of my mind. My brother and I are very close and I was always protective and caring of him. He is my best friend. My mom had just left his abusive father the year before i abused him. I protected my brother from his dads phyciall abuse since he was an infant and was always protective of him over the years. When the memory of what i did to him resurfaced more vividly in my later years (I am over 40 and female) I have felt constant guilt and shame wanting to take my own life, and I feel afraid that I have ruined his life in the sane way that my life was ruined at such a young age. This is the first time i’ve ever written about this or shared my what i’ve dome. I wish I was dead. I’ll never forgive myself. Maybe this is why i was never able to be in a healthy relationship get married or have kids. I just wanna die. Please God forgive me 🙏🏼
 
When I got older I was into getting high and one night drank a bottle of cough syrup and got all weird from it and have flash backs of doing something sexual to my 2yr old brother.
Memory is a tricky thing. I'm not sure that I'd trust a "memory" that showed up the way that one did. Just as a place to start. Beyond that there's a difference between engaging in sexual activity with someone and abusing them. You protected your brother, you obviously care about your brother as a person, not as an object to use for your own purposes. That doesn't sound like abuse to me. It sounds to me like you'd benefit from talking your childhood over with a good therapist.

Getting God to forgive you is pretty easy. Forgiving yourself is harder. Even when there's nothing to forgive yourself FOR. I'd guess the rest of your childhood and what was done TO you has more to do with where you are now than that one incident (which may or may not have really happened) does. Get some help, if you can. Things can get better.
 
Thank you for sharing your story and giving me the strenght to share mine. I was first molested at 3 by a teenage neighbor, and then again at 7 by an older man. These interactions led me to be highly sexual as a child and engage in sexual acts with other children and my siblings from a young age. There was not a lot of parental supervision and some of the other kids were also molested by adults so we seemed to be in a sort of normalized sexual play. When I got older I was into getting high and one night drank a bottle of cough syrup and got all weird from it and have flash backs of doing something sexual to my 2yr old brother. I was 12 or 13. I somehow blocked it out so the details arw foggy but it was always in the back of my mind. My brother and I are very close and I was always protective and caring of him. He is my best friend. My mom had just left his abusive father the year before i abused him. I protected my brother from his dad’s phyciall abuse since he was an infant and was always protective of him over the years. When the memory of what i did to him resurfaced more vividly in my later years (I am over 40 and female) I have felt constant guilt and shame wanting to take my own life, and I feel afraid that I have ruined his life in the sane way that my life was ruined at such a young age. This is the first time i’ve ever written about this or shared my what i’ve dome. I wish I was dead. I’ll never forgive myself. Maybe this is why i was never able to be in a healthy relationship get married or have kids. I just wanna die. Please God forgive me 🙏🏼
Hi, thank you for sharing your story! I too am coming from very similar circumstances in my own life and my relationship with my younger brother. I am also having flashbacks as well and I am a female. I am in my 20s and my brother is turning 17 soon. This is very heartbreaking and again, I thank you for sharing your story because it’s giving me the courage to share mine. I am also coming from a childhood of having to protect my brother from our father’s alcoholism and infidelity towards my mother. When I was younger, I experienced a lot of physical abuse disguised as discipline at the hands of my father. Unfortunately, my brother and I are still in the same house/ environment as I haven’t moved out yet and he is currently looking at colleges he wants to go to.

My brother is also my best friend and I love him so deeply. It hurts so much recognizing that as a result of what I went through, I friend around and traumatized him too. He hasn’t brought anything up with me so I’m not sure he remembers but it’s a lot to think about how that may be affecting him.

Is your relationship with your brother still good? Has this been something he has brought up with you or have you observed in his own behaviors that he may remember that moment?
 
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