ShadowSoul
New Here
I don’t know if I’m allowed to talk about any of this so apologies to begin with and delete if necessary. I don’t even know where to even begin. I’m really only making this post cause I need to get this shit off my chest for real. I’m 31 years old with just too many issues to unpack let alone face my past or myself anymore. I’ve bottled all this shit about all my mistakes and regrets in my life to the point that’s it’s boiling up inside me trying to get out but I just know what to do anymore besides turn to drugs, smoking cigarette, drinking, sleeping, distracting myself if at all. I fully grasp my situation I truly do, I just can’t get over my mistakes, my regrets, the hurt I’ve caused, the loss, the sheer trauma, being suicidal and so f*cking hollow for so long, etc. I just… I don’t know anymore, I’m scared, I’m alone, I f*cking hate myself and I just cannot accept myself… accept the past as it was and can’t just be able to finally let go of it. I just can’t man. I just got some more beer cause everything is hitting me hard as usual. I’ve been cleaning out old stuff and I’ve found and looked at old year books, I can’t describe how much I… just can’t accept man. The last half of my life has just been a f*cking mess of my own making and I can’t seem to just move on, despite knowing full well there’s nothing I can do about anything especially about the past besides the here and now.
Like I said before I got too much to unpack and shit that never has gotten resolved nevermind the recent issues that has caused my mental health go beyond what can be normally describe cause I was... I was afraid I guess and still am, I just never wanted to be alive, never cared about bettering myself besides just the last year. I always felt like a ghost or a shadow of a man who never was.
-Unhealed childhood and teenage memories and trauma especially related to having Asperger’s and being treated differently by others especially in my family
-Never could keep friendships for reasons I just don’t know why
-Unresolved issues from bullying from childhood and especially high school I just can’t get over, sheer regrets not standing up to bullies more
-Never dealt with losing my dad at age 10
-Despite my Moms best efforts I never had the direction or motivation to do anything with my life after high school especially
-College dropout; cheated in one class but that became the catalyst of me failing the other classes and finally dropping out especially since I became seriously depressed and suicidal
-Past suicide attempts that were traumatic: tried hanging myself but my mom and sister found me. I still don’t know if this was an attempt or not but I drove into the back of a semi truck but survived and no scratches but totaled my first car. Used a poison at one time but only tried testing it.
-Never had a relationship, the ones I had if at all lasted less than a month, still regret breaking up with one of my first and only relationships cause I recently learned she passed away back in 2022.
-The only friends I did have if at all were complete drugs addicts and got into trouble so I dropped them all and stopped caring for friends in high school cause I just didn’t want to cause any grief or worry from my Mom
-Learned far too late in life about being bisexual despite having sexual experiences especially with the same sex, I have a lot of internalized biphobia that I don’t know where it comes from
-Related to the internalized biphobia, I don’t know if it’s a way of me stimming due to stress, not dealing with past issues at the time, got/being addicted to porn, or whatever but I got into crossdressing and constantly question why I ever did that and still feel the urges to do it
and never really had a positive male role model in my life besides maybe my grandfather but a lot of my trauma and lack of self worth stems from how he treated me
-Anger issues that I never could get resolved but understood it stems from most of my other issues so it’s like it feeds in itself
-Past regrets over missed opportunities that I can’t get over: Not taking the chance of going into a trade (electrician) when I had the chance especially before I got back issues from the FedEx job I took instead., Not going on more vacations with my Mom, not doing much of anything really for the majority of my 20s especially as I stopped caring about the few hobbies I did have such as hiking and nature related things
-As much as I hate to admit, I am a drug addict and abuse weed, alcohol, and pills now more than even in my early twenties just to feel f*cking numb. I don’t do it often and be responsible but still.
-I’m on social security and I never could get over that I feel like I don’t deserve it and feel like I’m wasting peoples taxes just for me being a mentally disabled man child who doesn’t want to be alive
-Recent events well technically it’s been a year and a half but despite all my previous issues at those times I was my moms caretaker her last two years of life and that was just pure hell and I wasn’t prepared for the worst of it and am ashamed of how many times I was unable to control my own emotions especially towards my mom, I blame myself a lot over losing her that it kills me. No one or even my siblings besides my grandfather, her dad, helped me and by the time I became knowledgeable about getting the proper help she needed it was all just too late.
-The same grandfather despite my indifference and hate towards him all my life died not even a month after my Mom passed away
-And then not even 3 months after they passed my sisters mentally ill ex boyfriend who abused her before and even broke into her apartments multiple times broke into our house in the middle of the night, I was so scared especially for my sisters life and pets, long story short I killed him in self defense with the gun I intended to use to kill myself, he trapped us with no way out, it happened so fast, and I … just can’t deal with the trauma from that event alone especially in a healthy way or one that doesn’t get me put into a psych ward. Besides mentioning this I am not going to expand further on this event, but I know that it’s something that’s still killing me.
-Been in survival mode ever since all that happened dealing with probate, social security, adult things that I never knew about, becoming more responsible than I ever have in my pathetic life just out of sheer necessity to survive and helping my sister get through all of this if possible
-Hell recently got bit on my right toes by a pitbull that traumatized me even further than I like to admit. Won’t expand on this either.
-And last but not least is trying to not f*cking kill myself and let my demons push me to suicide due to all of these unresolved issues and trauma. I don’t want to hurt my sister anymore with my death. but I show my anger towards her more than I like to admit and it’s completely random and I feel I deserve to die nevermind having to face and tackle all of these problems.
So yeah, I… just don’t know where to even begin anymore besides to numb myself and/or sleep constantly hoping to finally off myself. I wish in one of my previous attempts. I’ve been reflecting so much on my life and how much I’ve grown into whatever I am now. I’ve been told I’m a strong person and a good person but all I feel even at this age is just a scared little kid who shouldn’t exist and a horrible person. I’ve been staring at the abyss for years now and I constantly still do, like I’m supposed to die by suicide. I’ve invested so much of my pathetic life on the thought of suicide but when it should matter the most and when I feel I’m finally ready to off myself I step back from the ledge and I don’t know why anymore. I used to only stay alive for my Mom but that didn’t end well, living for others just doesn’t end the darkness that I feel. I have a cat, my sister and her dog and I have a lot of responsibilities now, but I just don’t want to live and have a death wish. I feel way past due to kill if that makes sense like this quote from Emil Cioran, “It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late.” I feel stuck between two eternities and am more scared to actually live than I am to die. I feel beyond redemption, beyond help. The future calls but my wish for death is louder.
Like I said before I got too much to unpack and shit that never has gotten resolved nevermind the recent issues that has caused my mental health go beyond what can be normally describe cause I was... I was afraid I guess and still am, I just never wanted to be alive, never cared about bettering myself besides just the last year. I always felt like a ghost or a shadow of a man who never was.
-Unhealed childhood and teenage memories and trauma especially related to having Asperger’s and being treated differently by others especially in my family
-Never could keep friendships for reasons I just don’t know why
-Unresolved issues from bullying from childhood and especially high school I just can’t get over, sheer regrets not standing up to bullies more
-Never dealt with losing my dad at age 10
-Despite my Moms best efforts I never had the direction or motivation to do anything with my life after high school especially
-College dropout; cheated in one class but that became the catalyst of me failing the other classes and finally dropping out especially since I became seriously depressed and suicidal
-Past suicide attempts that were traumatic: tried hanging myself but my mom and sister found me. I still don’t know if this was an attempt or not but I drove into the back of a semi truck but survived and no scratches but totaled my first car. Used a poison at one time but only tried testing it.
-Never had a relationship, the ones I had if at all lasted less than a month, still regret breaking up with one of my first and only relationships cause I recently learned she passed away back in 2022.
-The only friends I did have if at all were complete drugs addicts and got into trouble so I dropped them all and stopped caring for friends in high school cause I just didn’t want to cause any grief or worry from my Mom
-Learned far too late in life about being bisexual despite having sexual experiences especially with the same sex, I have a lot of internalized biphobia that I don’t know where it comes from
-Related to the internalized biphobia, I don’t know if it’s a way of me stimming due to stress, not dealing with past issues at the time, got/being addicted to porn, or whatever but I got into crossdressing and constantly question why I ever did that and still feel the urges to do it
and never really had a positive male role model in my life besides maybe my grandfather but a lot of my trauma and lack of self worth stems from how he treated me
-Anger issues that I never could get resolved but understood it stems from most of my other issues so it’s like it feeds in itself
-Past regrets over missed opportunities that I can’t get over: Not taking the chance of going into a trade (electrician) when I had the chance especially before I got back issues from the FedEx job I took instead., Not going on more vacations with my Mom, not doing much of anything really for the majority of my 20s especially as I stopped caring about the few hobbies I did have such as hiking and nature related things
-As much as I hate to admit, I am a drug addict and abuse weed, alcohol, and pills now more than even in my early twenties just to feel f*cking numb. I don’t do it often and be responsible but still.
-I’m on social security and I never could get over that I feel like I don’t deserve it and feel like I’m wasting peoples taxes just for me being a mentally disabled man child who doesn’t want to be alive
-Recent events well technically it’s been a year and a half but despite all my previous issues at those times I was my moms caretaker her last two years of life and that was just pure hell and I wasn’t prepared for the worst of it and am ashamed of how many times I was unable to control my own emotions especially towards my mom, I blame myself a lot over losing her that it kills me. No one or even my siblings besides my grandfather, her dad, helped me and by the time I became knowledgeable about getting the proper help she needed it was all just too late.
-The same grandfather despite my indifference and hate towards him all my life died not even a month after my Mom passed away
-And then not even 3 months after they passed my sisters mentally ill ex boyfriend who abused her before and even broke into her apartments multiple times broke into our house in the middle of the night, I was so scared especially for my sisters life and pets, long story short I killed him in self defense with the gun I intended to use to kill myself, he trapped us with no way out, it happened so fast, and I … just can’t deal with the trauma from that event alone especially in a healthy way or one that doesn’t get me put into a psych ward. Besides mentioning this I am not going to expand further on this event, but I know that it’s something that’s still killing me.
-Been in survival mode ever since all that happened dealing with probate, social security, adult things that I never knew about, becoming more responsible than I ever have in my pathetic life just out of sheer necessity to survive and helping my sister get through all of this if possible
-Hell recently got bit on my right toes by a pitbull that traumatized me even further than I like to admit. Won’t expand on this either.
-And last but not least is trying to not f*cking kill myself and let my demons push me to suicide due to all of these unresolved issues and trauma. I don’t want to hurt my sister anymore with my death. but I show my anger towards her more than I like to admit and it’s completely random and I feel I deserve to die nevermind having to face and tackle all of these problems.
So yeah, I… just don’t know where to even begin anymore besides to numb myself and/or sleep constantly hoping to finally off myself. I wish in one of my previous attempts. I’ve been reflecting so much on my life and how much I’ve grown into whatever I am now. I’ve been told I’m a strong person and a good person but all I feel even at this age is just a scared little kid who shouldn’t exist and a horrible person. I’ve been staring at the abyss for years now and I constantly still do, like I’m supposed to die by suicide. I’ve invested so much of my pathetic life on the thought of suicide but when it should matter the most and when I feel I’m finally ready to off myself I step back from the ledge and I don’t know why anymore. I used to only stay alive for my Mom but that didn’t end well, living for others just doesn’t end the darkness that I feel. I have a cat, my sister and her dog and I have a lot of responsibilities now, but I just don’t want to live and have a death wish. I feel way past due to kill if that makes sense like this quote from Emil Cioran, “It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late.” I feel stuck between two eternities and am more scared to actually live than I am to die. I feel beyond redemption, beyond help. The future calls but my wish for death is louder.
