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@Ronin @Junebug @Justmehere and @Still Standing ; thank you all for taking the time to share your input, it is much appreciated. (@Justmehere my sister had a bulging disc that affected her driving leg, this is why one Dr decided she shouldn’t be driving...she’s getting better!) I am going to...

So about the SI, does it ever go away or is that going to be yet another “new normal” accommodation in life? I find even on days when I’m peaceful and content - I don’t know if I’ll ever say happy again - if I look inward, there it is lurking in the background. Is that a ptsd thing or a...

I did some research today and her family physician can reinstate her license but he’s insisting she has to go to the original Dr who revoked it and that Dr is now avoiding her calls!!! I just handed that tidbit of information to her, not my problem to solve but she feels it’s an uresolveable...

@Ronin , thanks, I really needed that perspective on it. I like that you said I’ve got no energy to give, yet do it day by day. It kind of reminds me of when hubby died and people kept calling me strong when, really, all I was doing was just waking up every day and taking another breath. I...

I think mostly I’m afraid she would kill herself. I’m struggling with my negativity making people want to die - this is an issue from my husband’s suicide and a recurring theme as I try to move on. I’m not a “happy” person anymore and quite frankly feel selfish because I can’t feel anything...

I’m feeling numb to people/person in my life, wanting to isolate but almost for self preservation because I feel like I’m being drowned by the outside world. I lost my husband to suicide three years ago (anniversary in two weeks) but I’m not allowed to talk about that anymore because it’s been...

I know, it’s apparent that no one has either heard of it or tried it. The only information I can find on it has TM stamps everywhere and no actual scientific studies proving/disproving it’s efficacy. It did work long term on the one image relating to my husband’s suicide that was bothering me...

Forget it he's dead as Anthony so insensitively points out he's been dead a year already. When his wife kills herself I'll say the same a year afterward Goodbye.

I'm going away for a week tomorrow. I have a lot to do today and all I want to do is stay in bed. I'm pushing myself to function and I'm wearing down. I wanted to dream about him but instead I dreamed about people from a tv show. My front teeth are sore. I've been clenching my jaw again. Am...

Can't sleep. Keep wondering about his death, same stuff over again; did he suffer, did he feel pain, was he scared, was he sorry, did he have time for anything...did he call for me. One of my coworkers cousins read my blog today. Thanked me and said it helped her put his death in perspective...

The dog let me snuggle with him today. This is a rarity. He even rolled over part way on his back to stare into my eyes and paw at me. Maybe he wonders why his mommy is so sad, crying repeatedly through the day and talking about a "daddy" he never met. Cried three times today. Kept thinking...

So today I found out that I was fed a rumor, our honour guard was present (our - I still say our even though I haven't belonged to them in years) and the family was touched to have him honored in that way. This has been really affecting me on a level I'm not even aware of. I was standing in...

I was telling my sister about my old coworker's funeral being an all in one day thing with no pomp and circumstance and she said, "Yeah, that's how white people do it, their funerals only last 20 minutes." I honestly didn't think this needed to involve race, what I was trying to point out was...

Chris will be laid to rest tomorrow. I found his obituary online. It seems like a rushed thing, no mention of buses or honor guards or the like. Visitation hours will immediately precede funeral and burial. Quick and hasty, line em' up, get em' through, don't let the door hit you on the way out...

I'm still in bed, it's almost 10 o'clock in the morning and I'm glad dogs don't mind sleep because we should have been gone and out the door for walks by now. My husband's watch is going off to signal his wake up time for his night shifts, it's in the bathroom right where he left it that last...

Can't sleep tonight. Just got bit by something twice, once on the lower leg and next on the opposite foot! Uggh, I think there's a spider in my room. I'm seriously hoping it's not a tick, I washed about 30 dead ones from my dog the other day. Besides, I keep dreaming about hubby and how he...

I'm still sad. I won't find out about the funeral unless it's shared on social media, even then, I don't think I could go. There will be a lot of uniforms. How much I wish I could be proud of that uniform and not be afraid of it. How much I wish I could be proud of having been a medic instead...

Rough day. A lot of tears and anxiety. My sister is here. I feel physically exhausted. So many feelings resurfacing. So much hurt. Hurts all over again.

My husband's station partner killed himself yesterday. He had wanted to come and visit in March but I was having a rough time, so I cancelled. I never heard from him again. He had said he wanted to visit with Tin. I thought at the time that it was a little unnerving. No one saw it coming...

The dog is mad at me right now, it sounds ridiculous and every dog owner says they don't hold grudges but this one does, likely because I'm still angry and he can probably sense it. He pee'd on the rug upstairs. I LOST IT and spanked him. That was two hours ago. I don't understand why he's...

I need my hubby! I can't sleep. I just got home from a week at my brothers house yesterday and had a major melt down on my dog. Totally my fault for not realizing that our home routine might change after spending a week in a completely different environment. Usually when we arrive home from...

Tried not to cry the other day. I was weeding the front lawn. The front lawn was "his"; he looked after it, or tried to. He could never keep ahead of the dandelions, fertilizers, sprays, hand weeding, he just couldn't get a handle on it. I thought of that as I sat picking dandelions the other...

@Rain thank you so much for your kind words, I'm sorry you're going through a rough spell, my thoughts are with you. I've come to the conclusion that he's missing my desserts. He always loved when I'd make dessert for him. I made a peach mousse today and, again, as I was cutting into it, I...

The conversation used to go like this, I'd be lying next to him with my head on his shoulder, "Tin, do you still love me?" He'd stop what he was doing, reading or playing a game or watching a movie; "Of course I do. Do you still love me?" "Yep." Pause for a hug and a kiss on my forehead...

I had an inexplicable occurrence today. I was preparing to serve tea and dessert to my sister in my kitchen. I was overwhelmed by this scent. At first I didn't know what it was and began to look around for a source while my brain tried to place it. Then my brain said, "it's him" and I...