Feeling trapped

[NarcSis]

I’m feeling numb to people/person in my life, wanting to isolate but almost for self preservation because I feel like I’m being drowned by the outside world.

I lost my husband to suicide three years ago (anniversary in two weeks) but I’m not allowed to talk about that anymore because it’s been too long, so I save that for my private diary.

I’m struggling to stay grounded in this life. I struggled with this feeling of death following me around before he died but since then it’s more of an ominous presence, closer, more tempting. That’s probably normal.

Lately I’ve had to look after my sister because she’s lost her drivers license and I’ve had to all but abandon my own quiet life to chauffeur her around. I’m at my wits end. She’s overbearing. Very critical.

I feel like I’ve already lost control over my own life and it’s only been a few weeks. She is struggling with a medical issue and threatened suicide during a fight the other day. This has only intensified my feelings of being trapped here. I want to just abandon her and go home.

I can’t just leave her. There’s no one else out here out in the country that can drive her around (or would be willing).

None of this feels under my control. I don’t want to be here, I just want to go home and it’s killing me inside.

I don’t feel any empathy for her situation, it just repeatedly angers me. All I seem to feel is anger and sadness but where I should feel love and compassion I’m blank.

I’m tired. I don’t know how to stop feeling so overwhelmed and thinking of dying. It just feels like an end to this misery.

I don’t know where I can even talk about this without someone freaking out and calling the cops or screaming Crisis Line at me. I’m not in crisis, I don’t want to die but damn it, it can get pretty close some days and those thoughts just feel like, comforting almost, like I still have some kind of control - the master of the proverbial Red Button.

I need my quiet life back. :(

 

[Ronin]

Medic, nice to hear from you again, even though you are struggling.

Honestly, your sister is an adult.
You are not responsible for her.
You had life sorted before (at least enough so you were coping, and are missing it now), and she has no right to demand you abandon all that.

One can hire drivers. You are not responsible for her transportation. Not to the point of it driving you suicidal as it is an obligation you cannot meet while still meeting your needs.

 

[NarcSis]

I think mostly I’m afraid she would kill herself.

I’m struggling with my negativity making people want to die - this is an issue from my husband’s suicide and a recurring theme as I try to move on.

I’m not a “happy” person anymore and quite frankly feel selfish because I can’t feel anything for other people anymore.

She is an adult, she can figure this out on her own, she’s managed to find rides to (shift) work but it’s spotty and I’ve had to collect her a few times.

I’m overwhelmed. I want to leave but I’m afraid my leaving will make her feel trapped with no way out.

It just feels like a rock and a hard place and it’s making it harder to push away this doom and gloom that’s always been lurking in the background for the past few years.

 

[Ronin]

I get that fear, quite a lot.

On another hand, that is also her responsibility (to seek care), you can only do so much (and are doing it all) and it should not be a blackmailing chip, or something that holds you from living your life. She should be equally responsible to you as you are to her, and give you breathing space.

Nothing selfish in needing time for yourself. :hugs: The opposite. Damned selfless you got no energy to give... yet do it. Day by day. All the time, and then even beat yourself up for it, wanting to do more, be more present, etc. Nah: you are doing enough, and not selfish.

What do you need to push away the doom? The sitution with the sis resolved, or something more to that?

And another one: Is there something calming / quiet life goodness, that you can do even while she is around?

You got this, Medic. Feels helpless and you arent. Still problem solving the f*ckery, too: cheers on that.

 

[NarcSis]

@Ronin , thanks, I really needed that perspective on it. I like that you said I’ve got no energy to give, yet do it day by day.

It kind of reminds me of when hubby died and people kept calling me strong when, really, all I was doing was just waking up every day and taking another breath. I don’t realize how much of myself I really give away because it’s what I’ve always done, no matter how much it takes from me. I see it now.

I start to believe the way I get treated is all I deserve because with her, it’s always been that way. My husband was the only one who demonstrated caring, kindness and unconditional love toward me. I forget what that feels like. I forget what it means to be proud of me.

I think, yes, if the situation resolves then I won’t feel trapped in a life situation I don’t want. I need to go back to finding me and not having my wants and needs relegated to the shadows as though I’m meaningless.

I’m afraid of the uncertainty of her medical issues though, this could resolve, become permanent, or progress and I’m afraid of what that means for my life. I don’t want to be a permanent caregiver.

As for thinking of what I can do - each day I have to fight to take my doggy walking but those walks with him in the woods are like a piece of heaven. I’m upset that I need to stubbornly stand my ground on this, it just saps my energy, but the walk is so restorative.

Time away from one another seems to be my only saving grace - she goes to work, I get to make my own decisions. She’s here, I’m over ruled or questioned or chastised for every decision I try to make - its very damaging to my self confidence.

Sometimes I feel like I’m invisible or (mind reading) that she thinks I’m just an extension of her.

Sadly, with the SI, I imagine how my death would improve hers financially because all of my assets would go to her and I wouldn’t have to worry about her anymore. I don’t see her being sad or as grief stricken as me with hubbys loss because I’ve categorized her as emotionally superficial because of how clueless she’s proven to my emotional states/needs.

I thought I lost everything and would be homeless after hubby died but financially things worked out. I thought I was just going to die; I’m still here. Why would I believe the same couldn’t happen for her if I were gone?

These are the types of thoughts that I can’t resolve or put to rest and it frightens me. I just need a better perspective because I can’t distance myself right now.

 

[froggymom]

You are strong because you are still here and taking care of your sister. You need to find some private space to just be until you can return home. She needs to find a way to resolve the transportation issue. It's nice to help others, but you can't solve there problems. She must find a solution to the problem she created. Sending you many hugs and prayers.

 

[NarcSis]

I did some research today and her family physician can reinstate her license but he’s insisting she has to go to the original Dr who revoked it and that Dr is now avoiding her calls!!!

I just handed that tidbit of information to her, not my problem to solve but she feels it’s an uresolveable problem and seems quite intent on just relying on the current kindness of others. I leave next week, that is set in stone.

I was able to look at my situation from a third party perspective today and I see that the real issue eating me up inside is that she doesn’t know how to communicate and that leaves me guessing - and I’m always wrong because I’m not a f’ing mindreader!

It would be easier for me to be looking after someone who is able to effectively communicate their needs, allows me my independence and respects my boundaries but I’m not, nor have I ever gotten that from her and the relationship can become very demeaning to me at times.

I don’t see me getting any kind of grip on the intensity of my SI until I’m able to get back to my home and my peaceful practices.

I wish my husband didn’t die, he was my safe place. I wish he knew that.

 

[froggymom]

Good for you! Stick firm; you know tough love. I'm so sorry about your husband. I have a feeling he did know he was your safe place. I will be praying for you each morning. May God bless you with much peace and healing.

 

[Ronin]

I leave next week, that is set in stone.

Very good, proud of you for having that boundary Medic. :)

I wish he knew that.

I bet he does.

He is not gone because you did anything wrong, Medic. (Hugs, the open armed kind, if wanted, sitting with you if not.)

how my death would improve hers financially

As in not at all.

When you are alive, you can teach people responsibility, taking care of their life, better communication, boundaries.... You can teach them that even by leaving and letting them problem solve, while still being out there, in the world.

You dead? Takes all of that away.
Leaving them with money that they are used to blow, anyway, and would not get better handling.

(...) the walk is so restorative.

So good on. :)
Rooting for you, and for your doggie. Sound quite a strong team, you two.

 

[NarcSis]

So about the SI, does it ever go away or is that going to be yet another “new normal” accommodation in life?

I find even on days when I’m peaceful and content - I don’t know if I’ll ever say happy again - if I look inward, there it is lurking in the background. Is that a ptsd thing or a suicide loss survivor thing?

I know a lot of it feels tied to being alone and not feeling complete anymore but that’s almost superficial, deeper down I don’t feel like me anymore and I’m disconnected from the sense of who I am.

Are there ways to improve that? (If that description makes any sense)

 

[Ronin]

Are there ways to improve that? (If that description makes any sense)

Makes sense, just not sure I know the answer.

I found actual connection helps (not where I got to fake it but can actually feel connected, if even for the shortest of times) and with time it may ease out or shift into something else, but in the same time that is hard as hell and some spots hurt ages, even if the quality and intensity changes and fades with time.

IME content and peaceful are good enough. Happiness is kinda overrated and it will come on its own, whatever is the new best? IS good and worth keeping.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think, maybe, part is to have to give one's self the permission to be happy. And/ or over-ride the fear of what will happen if you are happy. And/ or the fear of even small hope.

And that it's not disloyal, or anything of the like, to Tin's memory or anyone's. On the contrary, if they loved you they want (not 'wanted') it for you too. Maybe even are trying to help you achieve it, and that feeling of peace and safety, just as they did when they were physically here?

:hug: