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I was telling my sister about my old coworker's funeral being an all in one day thing with no pomp and circumstance and she said, "Yeah, that's how white people do it, their funerals only last 20 minutes." I honestly didn't think this needed to involve race, what I was trying to point out was that there was no paramedic involvement - he didn't get a big paramedic funeral. He didn't get a big gathering beforehand or a march off. I guess I just assumed he would because everyone whose died before my husband got a big uniformed funeral and had prior visitation hours to accommodate the different shifts. Apparently, this was just a regular old fast funeral. Odd, it made me wonder if it was shock or stigma that resulted in that.
I had a call from the reporter again the other day, we met for coffee because she read my blog post and was researching an article - in essence, she wanted to know how well I knew him and how I knew he committed suicide, oh and possibly get contact information for his wife so she could speak with her. I don't know his wife, we'd never met. I don't know his family, he was an old coworker, we knew each other at work, that's pretty well it. I knew he died from suicide because they don't call in crisis workers for accidental or medical deaths off duty and my old partner told me this is the information they were given, "he was found hanging in his hotel room."
I tried to talk about how great a guy he was, how it was always a relief to see him come through the door when I'd just been through a string of rookies and how he always had a mischievous look in his eye...but she didn't want to hear that. She wanted to know if I knew if he had PTSD - I don't know, I wasn't his therapist. He told me they'd had a mental health training session and it made him think about himself and how he needed to get his sh*t dealt with. He reassured me he was getting it done and I was happy for him. That's it. His wife recently left him, gee, I don't know, would you be depressed after that?
Like I said, he was a pessimistic sort and he was realizing it and getting it dealt with. He told me he had his wife and daughter for support - and then he didn't apparently. if the rumor mill is true. He'd also been out drinking, if there's one thing that can almost guarantee you'll lose your battle with depressive thoughts and slip into a suicidal crisis, it's alcohol and drugs. They take away from your much needed mental resources. The cards get stacked against you and more often then not, you'll lose. If you're depressed or diagnosed with depression, no alcohol or drugs.
I wrote a blog post about it. Didn't use his name, just his badge number. I made a memorial for him and hubby in my garden but i couldn't post the picture because of potential copyright stuff from my former employer (it would be just like them to stoop that low). I was actually kind of proud the first day after I published the post because I got almost 200 views, for me that's booming traffic, but then, today another old coworker was so moved by it he shared it and his friends shared it and soon my daily views were near 2000. I've never had that many views of my blog in my life. I guess my post struck a cord with a lot of people.
The reporter read it, that's why she wanted to meet with me. I write about suicide. I write openly and honestly and I insert my own view of it from my own personal struggles with suicidal ideation and suicidal crises. I don't try to suicide shame. My goal is to help reduce the stigma and let people see that suicide is not something we often walk rationally into, just like how I write about PTSD; it's a malfunctioning of our brain processes and what brains do is try to re-establish order and function over time. We don't have to die, we just have to wait out our brain, it'll get back on track eventually. Crisis over.
I'm not ashamed that my husband took his own life, I never would have been because I'd already been writing about suicide and how people needed to be more open about it. I'd already fought back from at least three instances of near suicide, subtle attempts if you can call them that. That being said, I'm not proud that he took his own life, he's not some kind of martyr. He didn't give his life to save anyone else, I mean, he kinda pushed the seeds further in some heads because if HE could do it, then what's stopping Me?
My sister repeatedly says he "gave up" on life and after 15 months, I'm tired of trying to correct her anymore. She's never going to think about it or change her naive viewpoint. She always says defensively, "I wanted to die when i was a teenager. I thought about suicide." when I say she doesn't know what it's like. Other times she flat out denies ever thinking of suicide, so Up becomes Down and I end up wrong again.
My old coworker isn't going to be the last suicide in that service. Maybe they'll go through a lull but someone else is already thinking about it, someone was seriously affected by his suicide, just as he was by my hubby's. If they think they're in the clear, they're so wrong. The seed is sown. It will be another male, likely between 35-55. There will be a small trigger, no one will see it coming.
In the online spousal support group, I'd say 95% are females who've lost a male spouse. I knew the stats were bad but I didn't know they were THAT bad; at one point they were signing up at least 6 or 7 new people per day. They're well over 1000 members already. It was quite depressing to repeatedly try to imagine that many people in a room, all dead. No longer existent. I've left the group for a while. It was starting to do more harm than good.
I'm still crying every day at meals. I went through a dry period there but it's started up again. I miss him most at meals, especially dinner. I'll usually have a mouthful of food or just be spooning a mouthful when my stomach will suddenly feel like it's going to burst, my throat will clamp down tight and my eyes will fill with tears as this overwhelming sorrow just tears through me. If I can I will swallow and then start to bawl. My nose will get snotty, my breath will be raspy and I'll be hitching, "t-t-t-t-tin, I-I-I-I, m-m-m-m-m-m-MISS YOU!!! I-I-I-I Need YOU!!!" The dog always looks at me scared and he doesn't know what to do because his mommy seems to be so sad when she eats - and he likes to eat.
Nothing in my day to day changed after he died other than I no longer needed to wait for him to come home. I stopped having restaurant meals. No more date nights, but other than those things, I still exist behind these four walls, as alone as I always was. The only change is that it's lonelier now, even with the dog, I still wish I had hubby back just to talk too.
I miss him. I'm not happy that he doesn't exist anymore. And now, another family is trying to deal with their loved one no longer existing anymore. :(
I had a call from the reporter again the other day, we met for coffee because she read my blog post and was researching an article - in essence, she wanted to know how well I knew him and how I knew he committed suicide, oh and possibly get contact information for his wife so she could speak with her. I don't know his wife, we'd never met. I don't know his family, he was an old coworker, we knew each other at work, that's pretty well it. I knew he died from suicide because they don't call in crisis workers for accidental or medical deaths off duty and my old partner told me this is the information they were given, "he was found hanging in his hotel room."
I tried to talk about how great a guy he was, how it was always a relief to see him come through the door when I'd just been through a string of rookies and how he always had a mischievous look in his eye...but she didn't want to hear that. She wanted to know if I knew if he had PTSD - I don't know, I wasn't his therapist. He told me they'd had a mental health training session and it made him think about himself and how he needed to get his sh*t dealt with. He reassured me he was getting it done and I was happy for him. That's it. His wife recently left him, gee, I don't know, would you be depressed after that?
Like I said, he was a pessimistic sort and he was realizing it and getting it dealt with. He told me he had his wife and daughter for support - and then he didn't apparently. if the rumor mill is true. He'd also been out drinking, if there's one thing that can almost guarantee you'll lose your battle with depressive thoughts and slip into a suicidal crisis, it's alcohol and drugs. They take away from your much needed mental resources. The cards get stacked against you and more often then not, you'll lose. If you're depressed or diagnosed with depression, no alcohol or drugs.
I wrote a blog post about it. Didn't use his name, just his badge number. I made a memorial for him and hubby in my garden but i couldn't post the picture because of potential copyright stuff from my former employer (it would be just like them to stoop that low). I was actually kind of proud the first day after I published the post because I got almost 200 views, for me that's booming traffic, but then, today another old coworker was so moved by it he shared it and his friends shared it and soon my daily views were near 2000. I've never had that many views of my blog in my life. I guess my post struck a cord with a lot of people.
The reporter read it, that's why she wanted to meet with me. I write about suicide. I write openly and honestly and I insert my own view of it from my own personal struggles with suicidal ideation and suicidal crises. I don't try to suicide shame. My goal is to help reduce the stigma and let people see that suicide is not something we often walk rationally into, just like how I write about PTSD; it's a malfunctioning of our brain processes and what brains do is try to re-establish order and function over time. We don't have to die, we just have to wait out our brain, it'll get back on track eventually. Crisis over.
I'm not ashamed that my husband took his own life, I never would have been because I'd already been writing about suicide and how people needed to be more open about it. I'd already fought back from at least three instances of near suicide, subtle attempts if you can call them that. That being said, I'm not proud that he took his own life, he's not some kind of martyr. He didn't give his life to save anyone else, I mean, he kinda pushed the seeds further in some heads because if HE could do it, then what's stopping Me?
My sister repeatedly says he "gave up" on life and after 15 months, I'm tired of trying to correct her anymore. She's never going to think about it or change her naive viewpoint. She always says defensively, "I wanted to die when i was a teenager. I thought about suicide." when I say she doesn't know what it's like. Other times she flat out denies ever thinking of suicide, so Up becomes Down and I end up wrong again.
My old coworker isn't going to be the last suicide in that service. Maybe they'll go through a lull but someone else is already thinking about it, someone was seriously affected by his suicide, just as he was by my hubby's. If they think they're in the clear, they're so wrong. The seed is sown. It will be another male, likely between 35-55. There will be a small trigger, no one will see it coming.
In the online spousal support group, I'd say 95% are females who've lost a male spouse. I knew the stats were bad but I didn't know they were THAT bad; at one point they were signing up at least 6 or 7 new people per day. They're well over 1000 members already. It was quite depressing to repeatedly try to imagine that many people in a room, all dead. No longer existent. I've left the group for a while. It was starting to do more harm than good.
I'm still crying every day at meals. I went through a dry period there but it's started up again. I miss him most at meals, especially dinner. I'll usually have a mouthful of food or just be spooning a mouthful when my stomach will suddenly feel like it's going to burst, my throat will clamp down tight and my eyes will fill with tears as this overwhelming sorrow just tears through me. If I can I will swallow and then start to bawl. My nose will get snotty, my breath will be raspy and I'll be hitching, "t-t-t-t-tin, I-I-I-I, m-m-m-m-m-m-MISS YOU!!! I-I-I-I Need YOU!!!" The dog always looks at me scared and he doesn't know what to do because his mommy seems to be so sad when she eats - and he likes to eat.
Nothing in my day to day changed after he died other than I no longer needed to wait for him to come home. I stopped having restaurant meals. No more date nights, but other than those things, I still exist behind these four walls, as alone as I always was. The only change is that it's lonelier now, even with the dog, I still wish I had hubby back just to talk too.
I miss him. I'm not happy that he doesn't exist anymore. And now, another family is trying to deal with their loved one no longer existing anymore. :(
