Oh God That's Me! - Reading About 'disordered' Personalities

[Pencil]

I agree @lostforgottensoul. That is why I use words such as 'prudent' and 'probably'. Especially when it comes to self-diagnosis. I so wish my sister would start googling and end up saying 'OMG I'm an evil covert malignant narcissistic bitch!' I wish. Instead, harmless people get all twitchy just because they have a glimmer of a trait of narcissism. We all have bad traits. And: long before I was diagnosed with PTSD I thought I had BPD, and only because it was the closest fit with regard to abandonment fears. Only when I, decades later, realized that being repeatedly abandoned before the age of 5 would naturally lead to fear of abandonment, and not necessarily to BPD, did I let go of that self-diagnosed myth.

 

[NatBird]

@Pencil

Are you saying the reactions to being abandoned are bad traits?
It didn't seem like it at the end of your post but just wanted to clarify.

 

[NatBird]

Yes, the labels do indeed seem to add shame at times.

And then I realize that I'm not what I fe...

@EveHarrington cheers for your post.

This is the core of the issue for me - the shame about reactions.

It's not so much looking for a diagnosis -- I have one.

It's more that I see some of my behaviours at times, quite natural reactions pathologised, and I feel wrong. This of course is partially down to my faulty software but there is something on the discourse around this stuff that adds to shame too. What do folks think about that?

Thanks @EveHarrington. Your comment helped me to clarify what is going on for me on this process.

 

[NatBird]

To clarify:

This is not me thinking I have PD or trying to diagnose one.
This is me identifying with some of the traits some of the time then feeling shame about them due to the framing, context in which I find them - a pathologising label.

Apologies if the thread title misled.

Thanks for the response as it's helped me to get some clarity.

I'm appreciating folks sharing thoughts and experiences.

 

[NatBird]

That is a very valid point, Pencil.

Most of us have some traits of disorders at various degrees at times...

@coco9

Well with that treatment they likely have PTSD now!;)

 

[NatBird]

I agree @lostforgottensoul. That is why I use words such as 'prudent' and 'probably'...

@Pencil lol can relate to comment about sister.

 

[vivalatapping]

Self diagnosis is a dangerous waste of time IMO.

Disorders are normal human traits & behaviors......

I totally agree

 

[mamachick]

While I agree with not diagnosing self, 3 people is a small sample of those with a personality disorder that would never consider. There are many with personality disorders that are too busy attempting to manage symptoms that don't even have any reference of the disorder. Others consider, but would never admit it to friends and family-they go through process with T and are still reluctant. This is no different than addictions. How many alcoholics are in denial for some time before accepting that they have addiction. Often it is proposed to them and they deny, but then privately admit with reluctance when more behaviors occur.

Also, I think its important to beware of the name and characteristic. They do change. Borderline was thought to stem from childhood abuse for many years, and the last DSM removed that criteria. Just as we don't want to see things(labels/criteria) in ourselves, we often also do not in our kids. I have racked my brain because my 28 yr old has some very strong BPD traits, but has also been successfully professionally. Big characteristic is "you are either God or the Devil". I never even left her with a babysitter until she was 5 except a child care center with parents coming in and out and don't believe any abuse could have occurred. She was the apple of our eye. Now they come out with changes that state that no trauma need exist, its more the hardwiring of the brain. Again, she really does not fill the criteria fully, but I was looking for problems.

 

[Pencil]

Are you saying the reactions to being abandoned are bad traits?

Well, i did behave like a lunatic from hell during breakups. At first it was overt, then I realized how off my behaviour was, so I internalized it and felt like dying for close to a year after a breakup. What really got to me was wanting to die even after a relationship with someone I ended up loathing and was relieved to be rid of. So my behaviour during the end of a relationship was bad. It was only when I realized where the fear of abandonment stemmed from, and when I realized the fear did not mean I had BPD that I could accept it and manage it without value judgements.

 

[Ronin]

Well, there's the question of treatment and value of labels, too.

Even if you by chance had X disorder, would a treatment or a set of treatments typical for it benefit you, as you are now? If not, a waste of time and resources better spent doing something else. If yes, looking back at why that is may be a better use than focusing on what idea or misconception led you there.

And then there's labels; just because something is a certain constellation doesn't mean the value has to be the same, or the meaning of what it does for your life. Or: A characteristic doesn't a choice make. It is the choice that matters. That is, and remains, up to you.

 

[NatBird]

Well, i did behave like a lunatic from hell during breakups. At first it was overt, then I realized how...

@Pencil i am so grateful you explained and shared.

 

[mamachick]

@Pencil- I understand what you mean about feeling so desperate even though you knew the ralationship was bad and knowing that you loathed the person. I think that sometimes ptsd exagerates the emotions that others feel too. When we have invested all this time, and with hopes of this person being the one, and often blaming ourselves for their behavior, or ourselves for our own shortcomings,etc, we still end up feeling so awful. Some also still second guess themselves after its over, often because we had no healthy example of what a good relationship really is. I can still think of certain people and remember the warmth and good times, but with a bit of pushing myself, remember their qualities that caused me to end the relationship that was so insane. Others I remember more negative, and have to push to remember the good qualities. The end often feels like another failure, aside from the abandonment issue. Then "what if nobody ever loves me?" ., "what if I am so defective that there is nobody?" are just a couple of feelings that break ups bring. Ptsd magnifies I think