Have you researched your abuse?

[Sideways]

I've dabbled in a small amount of reading about ritual abuse but to date, I really haven't looked much into things like hypnosis and the cult background to my abuse. To the surprise of my T.

Apart from it potentially being a (fairly obvious) trigger, part of me has always been a bit afraid of what I'd find out. Which is probably a bit of an acceptance thing.

I think I'm in a place where I'm ready to know more about how these things work, and putting my abuse in a bit more of a broader context. I think I'd like to understand the roots of where it all came from, and how it works, and the ways it's affected people. I think, acceptance-wise, that's probably important for my recovery.

But, I'm pretty wary still of what I might be confronted with. And whether knowledge on that type of level is really a healthy thing, or whether it's a bit like morbidly obsessing over the past.

I'd like input from people about whether researching different elements of their abuse was something helpful, or not helpful, or if you've avoided it completely what your reasons are. I'm not quite sure whether it would be really brave, or just really stupid...

 

[Mushy]

I find research to be very helpful in my own personal journey. I feel like the more I know about my own brain and how the abuse affects it, it leads to ways of healing. There are some tough moments and triggers along the way but in the long run the work I'm putting in now by learning more about myself and my traumas the better off I will be. Hope that helps :)

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I have researched types of rapists. Typical reactions of victims. Types of college rape scenerarios. Effects of codependency and sexual harrasssment.

 

[Sideways]

@TexCat - was it helpful?

 

[Friday]

The stuff I actually care about?

My kid knows more about some of the conflicts I was involved in than I do. A lot more. I was low ranking, went where I was told, did what I was told, went somewhere else. Shrug. My view was extremely narrow. If I didn't learn it on the ground? I haven't gone back and looked at it. I can't. 98% the time because it doesn't even occur to me. The 1% of the time when something comes up in conversation with others (like my kid, or polysci majors, or whatever) I just can't. I've tried. It's a non-starter. The other 1% of the time is when I run INTO more direct information, and my world stops. I just shut down. Nope. Huh-uh. Not going there. Finis. Done. I can tell you about things I was directly involved in, or knew back when / learned in the same time period, but nothing else. Video games & movie shit kind of crack me up, because they have the same characters following this whole story arc, in order to make the story make sense, and that's not what it's like. At least not what it was like for me. I knew my piece, which was very small / fairly inconsequential, & scuttlebutt.

The rest of the bullshit that followed?

That, on the other hand, I have researched the hell out of. It started because I was running into people who did that, analyze shit, so in small pieces here, small pieces there, I picked things up. I talk to people, always have, so it was a pretty natural progression. Talking to an aid worker in a camp (what's going to happen to these kids?), bullshitting with a journalist/doctor/anthropologist over a beer at the bar, working with cops & EMS at a scene, various boyfriends, I picked things up. Used them in my own life, or just filed shit away. Then ran across others and shared info I had and they didn't. Knew a person who knew a person, hooked them into some loop, learned more about the loop, learned other resources, got hooked into various loops myself by someone who knew someone, shrug. A completely unintentional process.

Then I went to college... And it got intentional. Anything anyone might want to learn... Ever... And there's a whole f*cking course on the sucker. At least. Often whole damn degree paths. Libraries full of books, experts to pick their brains &/or argue with, interrelated fields and disciplines. Academia isn't exactly my thing, I'm not that smart, but it's an amazing portal to find people who are, not only smart but passionate & experienced... And who like to kick knowledge.

 

[scout86]

I'd like input from people about whether researching different elements of their abuse was something helpful,

Yes, because it made sense out of things that didn't make sense. My own thought is, when the going gets too heavy, quit. For awhile. I'm going to guess how helpful it is depends on how you feel about unanswered questions.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, I researched for sure. I mean, I am a left brainer after all. So I had to be careful not to feed into my need to over analyze. That was the caveat.

My Shaman used to get really ticked off at me for researching, saying that I would retraumatize myself. And it is very possible that I did - but my gut told me that I needed to have more of an understanding.

That understanding has translated into an ability to have compassion for myself and my behaviours. That is really worth something to me these days, especially, as I am building a new life.

 

[Sideways]

@Friday - that's roughly where I am at the moment. I went through a few years of just soaking up information about the "what comes now" part. But so far I haven't mustered up the courage to look backwards. Which is weird because typically, things seem less scary to me if I understand them on an intellectual level.

@scout86 - I think that's what I'm going to need, to be really clear in my mind about why I'm looking at it more. What purpose is it serving? My T has referred me to the cult-background where my abuser seems to have gotten a lot of his garbage from, but if I just leapt head-first into that stuff with no real direction I think I'd potentially do real damage to the progress I've made so far.

I definitely don't want 'understanding' things better to become a catalyst for a major depressive episode or something.

 

[Sideways]

saying that I would retraumatize myself. And it is very possible that I did

With the benefit of hindsight, do you think it was retraumatising, or part of the acceptance process? Because I'm thinking that part of acceptance necessarily entails exposing yourself to it...???

 

[shimmerz]

do you think it was retraumatising,

Yes, I do. However, I don't still and didn't know any other way of figuring out what my behaviours were all about. I needed to take the risk.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I've done extensive research into satanic ritual abuse, ritual abuse, and serial killers. It was triggering at times so I paced myself. Since I'm a writer I'm also an avid researcher. It just comes with the territory.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

@TexCat - was it helpful?

Now that I think about it, the thing that I researched the most is ptsd. It really threw me that I was reacting so extremely to a messed up work situation. I did a whole 10 week ptsd workbook on my own and it helped me analyze what was going on, but it just wouldn't all go away so I looked into therapy. I also researched therapy types and therapists around my area (on my insurance).

Researching the types of rapists was eye opening because the type I had was a textbook match to what I was reading. My research on sexual harassment was empowering and caused me to be more empowering to the teen girls that I work with. It also gave me more cause to want to stand up to the bullshit I have dealt with.

I would say research helps me. It makes me not feel so alone and it validates my symptoms and desire to heal from the past.