A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." ; She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
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wildfirewildone
Gold Member
:rofl::rofl: I'm really going to love using this joke!!! It's GREAT!!!! I almost fit the category of "old goat"! Isn't life grand!!!!!!.....BREATHING PEACE
Help America - spend your rebate wisely
The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600
rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to India ,
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras ,
and Guatemala ,
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan .
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will
help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and
beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.
Thank you for your help.
The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600
rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to India ,
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras ,
and Guatemala ,
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan .
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will
help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and
beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.
Thank you for your help.
Q - What's the difference between an attorney and a pitbull?
A - the suit
Q - What do you call 5,000 dead attorneys?
A - A good start
Q - How many attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A - How many can you afford?
Q - What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A - A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a quiet little cafe when a fairy appeared before them. The fairy said that because they had been such a loving and picture-perfect couple for so long, she would grant them each a wish. First, she asked the wife what she wished for. The wife said she would like to travel the world with her loving husband. The fairy waved her wand and "Poof" presented the wife with 2 tickets to the Queen Mary II and a check for one million dollars. The fairy then turned to the husband and asked him to make a wish. Since he saw that the fairy was real and that his wish really could be granted, he said, "I wish I had a woman 30 years younger than me."
Another wave of the wand and "poof" he was 98 years old.
A - the suit
Q - What do you call 5,000 dead attorneys?
A - A good start
Q - How many attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A - How many can you afford?
Q - What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A - A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a quiet little cafe when a fairy appeared before them. The fairy said that because they had been such a loving and picture-perfect couple for so long, she would grant them each a wish. First, she asked the wife what she wished for. The wife said she would like to travel the world with her loving husband. The fairy waved her wand and "Poof" presented the wife with 2 tickets to the Queen Mary II and a check for one million dollars. The fairy then turned to the husband and asked him to make a wish. Since he saw that the fairy was real and that his wish really could be granted, he said, "I wish I had a woman 30 years younger than me."
Another wave of the wand and "poof" he was 98 years old.
Signs that you might need therapy, you can relate to more than one of the following:
- At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
- Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
- Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
- Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
- Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
- In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
- Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
- Don t use any punctuation
- As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
- Order a Diet Water (with a straight face) whenever you go out to eat.
- Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
- Sing Along At The Opera
- Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
- Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
- Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
- Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
- When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
- When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
- Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
- At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
- Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
- Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
- Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
- Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
- In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
- Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
- Don t use any punctuation
- As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
- Order a Diet Water (with a straight face) whenever you go out to eat.
- Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
- Sing Along At The Opera
- Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
- Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
- Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
- Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
- When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
- When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
- Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
* The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans do
* Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
* Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
* Italians drink lots of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
* Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink whatever you please. Appparently, speaking english will kill you...
* The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans do
* Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
* Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
* Italians drink lots of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
* Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink whatever you please. Appparently, speaking english will kill you...
D
Deleted member 541
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A young subby was just clocking out at 2000 hours when he saw the Admiral standing in front of the classified documents shredder, holding a piece of paper. The Admiral asked the subby if he knew how to operate this machine, explaining that his secretary was gone for the day. The young subby, replied, Yes Sir." and started the shredder, took the paper from the Admiral and inserted it into the machine's single page opening.
The Admiral was relieved and said, Thanks, I just need one copy.
The Admiral was relieved and said, Thanks, I just need one copy.
Hahahahahahaha! I never heard this one, but it made me laugh out loud!! Thanks, Mightsurvive!
Another one that has me ROTFLMAO!!! There are lots of other good ones here, too, guys, but don't want to use up too much space just laughing - thanks!
- Moderator
- #252
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
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