Six Ways to be The Persecutory Therapist *cue the thunder and lightning*

[ms spock]

I am at a low level of functioning.

I washed the fruit/vegetables and put them on the bench/in a bowl and they have now gone off.

I am struggling. I am just trying to cope the best I can.

Usually, I, at least I get them into the fridge.

 

[ms spock]

My car has died.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

This is a lot to go through at once, I’m sorry. Sending my support.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @Dark.Green.Feathers. All connections mean so much at the moment.

 

[ms spock]

Sometimes I don't know how I will survive what is happening with my psychiatrist. This is quite demoralising.

It is so intensely painful at times.

It keeps hitting me like a rolling set of shocks.

So I ate and ate and ate and ate last night.

There was a distinct lack of respect and compassion in how she spoke and engaged with me.

I guess it is possible that we ended up with a dual relationship.

There are so many research papers and El Nino, research and other information that I used to send her.

I see breaking news in areas of her passion that I used to send her and I feel melancholy.

She used to tell me about other clients, psychiatrists and the committees she was on and conferences she helped organised.

 

[ms spock]

I am at a low level of functioning. I am spending a lot of time lying in the caravan. I am disappearing into forums and TV Series. It is the best I can do right now.

 

[ms spock]

I feel my psychiatrist's loss keenly because even though she didn't understand me. I needed all the connections that I can get.

Her attacks and severe unkindness were distressing.

Why would you have goes at a client in the areas that you know are your clients areas of SI?

I feel so lonely. That loneliness is burning through my central nervous system.

I am sobbing again, which is fair enough.

 

[ms spock]

It is 23-24 days until I see the new psychiatrist now.

I just had a big sob. I am decompressing a lot. It much better out than in. This is where I am at. It is very humbling indeed.

 

[ms spock]

I am sobbing. I sometimes hope or want to hope that this is some form of transferance and counter transference because otherwise it's horribly sad indeed.

Her laughing at me and mocking me were disconcerting.

Her attacks and severe unkindness were distressing.

Her not answering my questions was frustrating.

Why would you have goes at a client in the areas that you know, historically, are your clients areas of SI?

Laughing and mocking at a client is not appropriate professional behaviours.

 

[ms spock]

I am so overwhelmed and confused by my psychiatrist.

I really cared about her and love her like she was an Aunty to me. The younger parts connected to her.

It really hurts and the pain of the losses of my sisters and brothers is back.

They were little people. And I loved and protected them. My mother said if I didn't come back, say it didn't happen, she would make sure that they grew up like strangers to me. She destroyed their personalities. Those sisters and brothers did not make it out. They have not existed for almost forty years now.

I lost everyone, even myself because I was so profoundly dehumanised, dissociated, depressed, fragmenting and my connections to my sisters and brothers was all I had.

 

[ms spock]

I do go to into freeze and extreme fawn with my psychiatrist.

Maybe my psychiatrist just didn't have the skills to work out what what was going on with me. She doesn't know about parts other than theoretically. And she rejected them as being created by bad therapy.

(She has said that she didn't understand what was going on with me. I am wildly frustrated and bewildered why she didn't ask a series of questions).

And perhaps because she is a psychiatrist, who thinks she knows better than any one else. She decided that because she could not work me out, that nobody else would be able to work me out.

 

[Sideways]

@ms spock - would it be helpful to have feedback? Or is this more of a vent?