Relationship With My Vet

[sthrngirl]

Now I know I probably overreacting and being impatient, but in my past experiences, it is just out of the norm to have not been on an "i love you" level yet.

The start of our relationship was rather rough; he is a combat vet and suffers from PTSD. It was very bad before it got better, which is also rather odd but I guess it makes sense with the PTSD.

Other forums do not understand when I have asked about this issue, they feel that he is not serious about me. I don't agree. He gave me a key to his apartment, to ME that is a big deal.

I stay at his house almost every weekend. He is not very affectionate, randomly he will be which always catches me by surprise. He leaves me at his home by myself while he works if I am off. So I know he trusts me.

He was cheated on by the woman he was engaged to years ago.. I don't have many details on that. I was engaged myself and basically cheated on too so I know how he feels. He is the guy I have fallen in love with since I had my heart broken. I am more cautious and I am much less selfish than I use to be. I treat him very well and he knows it.

So I guess I just want advice on what you think may be going on in his mind lol. Should I tell him first? (I know I know, I haven't said it either. Only because he constantly confuses me).

We have been together 6 months. I know you can show love without saying it and I feel that he shows it to me, but I don't want to be just making myself feel better by making myself believe that either.

I would love to hear advice from a sufferer themselves and supporters as well. Thank you!

 

[Marf]

I am a "sufferer" and it is terrifying to be the first one to say, "I love you" because of the chance of rejection. No matter how small that chance may be. Plus, I do not take those words lightly. I will not say it unless I mean it 100 percent.

 

[sthrngirl]

Thank you Marf. Do you think maybe that is what he is afraid of? Rejection from me? All along I am thinking I will get rejected from him.

 

[Meghan87]

it is most likely what Marf said, I agree...sometimes we forget to stop and think about all possible reasons for someone's actions, sometimes what may seem like a lack off affection may be because they are just somewhere else atm or are waiting for affirmation...I am sometimes not as loving with my finance as I would like to be and I don't notice it unless he mentions it because dealing with ptsd consumes most of my energy/thoughts...from you say I am sure he loves you you may just need to say it first.

 

[MoeX]

Okay, I havent been on in awhile and theis is going to come out sounding crazy but I have been in an off agian/ on again relationship with my sufferer for 4 years. I have not as of yet heard those three words. We have a child and a life together. He says Im his other half, his world. He cares deeply for me and needs me. The other day i jokingly said none of you love me and that upsets him. Does he show me yes. When I tell him what I need to feel loved he does it. He just cant say it to me. And believe me, it eats at me. We are currently having a hard time of it. In a text he said to me that the reason he cant say he loves me is because everyone he gets close to just leaves him or ends up hurt. I know that doesnt answer your question but your not alone in your questioning.

 

[sthrngirl]

That makes sense MoeXc. I honestly think he may be scared or waiting for me to say it and like Meghan87 said, his PTSD does consume a lot of my thoughts because I don't want to cross a line. I have gotten good at keeping things civil.

I feel that I am also being insecure because of what has happened to me in the past. When I say that, I mean that I am at a level with a man in a relationship that he now has the power to hurt me. It is hard for me to think that he could think the same way toward me. (if that makes any sense)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

There are 5 ways that people show love and conversely 5 ways that people feel love from others. He is showing you his feelings but you actually need the words.

A key is a VERY big deal to most sufferers I would imagine. Ignore those who tell you he's not serious. I'm guessing they don't have a clue about PTSD?

 

[sthrngirl]

Yes they have no clue about PTSD. I have actually met a girl from this site who is dating a sufferer as well, and she has become one of my good friends. Not only are we a lot a like but we are going thru this together and can depend on each other for advice. I honestly don't think it would of lasted this long without this site and her, so thank goodness for you all!

Solara, do you care to share with me the 5 ways people show love and 5 ways people feel love? I have been reading up on things and people show love without saying it. I do feel it, if that makes sense. No doubt about it. I just don't want it to be MY feelings about him, because I KNOW my feelings. I guess hearing the words just reassures me?

 

[jd9900]

Sthrngirl - It's possible he made be afraid to commit because he doesn't want you to see that dark passenger inside of him.

 

[scout86]

What Solara said sounds right, to me, although I didn't realize it was quantified that well.

If YOU are a person who easily and comfortably says "I love you", then I'd say it when ever you feel like saying it. Myself, I don't say it much, because it's a word I don't trust. I'm suspicious when I hear it too. It can be twisted, it can be a lie, and it means different things to different people. In fact, WORDS, don't mean much to me at all, behavior does. This is different for different people. The only way you're going to find out how he thinks and feels is to ask him. isn't it? And, if you can't talk to him about stuff like this, that seems like it would be a big problem, for both of you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's called the five languages of love. They are.... 1) saying/hearing "I love you" 2) spending time with someone 3) giving/receiving gifts 4) physical affection 5) doing things for someone or having someone do things for you.

Oftentimes the way someone feels loved is not how they express love to others. I feel most loved when people spend time with me, but because of PTSD I can't always take time to be with others. I like to show others that I care about them by giving them things. Nothing of high value, but usually something small that let's them know I'm thinking of them. Conversely, I don't really feel loved when people give me things. I feel zero love from the words themselves.

 

[sthrngirl]

Makes sense. We both do all those things-- just not the 3 words. I don't say those words to anyone besides my parents really. Honestly, I think it's just going to slip out of my mouth because at times it's all I can think when I look at him. No one has ever done that to me.