Reality Checking

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm just wondering if this happens to other people....

Today I mentioned something that seemed COMPLETELY normal to me while in a group setting. It was the sort of thing that I said in a light-hearted manner, not to be taken too seriously. Everybody just sort of stopped and stared at me with one of those "are you for real?" looks which indicated that my reality wasn't exactly along the lines of what everyone else knew as standard behavior to be expected from family members. Of course I then quickly shifted the conversation, but it made me realize that so much of what I experienced growing up is so far outside of the norm in terms of what other people experienced. Its sort of like I don't know what I don't know, and that's the maddening part of it all. I've been "tricked" into thinking that so much of my upbringing was "normal" when it was not. Don't get me wrong, I do know that a whole lotta messed up stuff went on in my childhood, and I've accepted much of it. Rather, its when these things I thought were relatively normal come out as being "odd" (to put it nicely) that I feel completely blind-sided. Sigh.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Solara: it has happened to me in the past and still happens at occasions. At times what people think is normal seems abnormal to and vice versa. It is all part of the baggage we were brought up with. Sometimes whats normal to us may seem rude to others but we grew up in an illusion thinking it was "normal".

Sorry if I'm mumbling. But you are not alone on this. So don't blame yourself and learn from this experience.

 

[jaccat]

All the time. Even with little things that I take for granted. I once seriously offended a friend by the manner in which I disposed of an uneaten meal because it was apparently so abnormal. It's one of the reasons I don't talk about my past to anybody. But how can we distinguish between 'normal' and 'not' when it's all we've ever known?

 

[Suzetig]

This happens to me all the time,or at least it did until fear of being out of step with the rest of the world made me stop talking about day to day life stuff. When I left home I had to figure out how to do really basic things like how often you cleaned out the fridge, changed bedding etc because that kind of thing just didn't happen in my house unless we had guests, which was almost never. I could never figure out how other people had clean windows in their houses - I had no idea you needed to actually clean them because I don't think I ever saw anyone doing it at home. Those kinds of things you can cover up and learn quickly but some of the other, social skill stuff is so missing I have no idea how to fill the gap.

 

[shimmerz]

There was someone who posted something innocently on a thread having to do with sexual abuse, just this past week. She was shocked when we reacted to it and told her that what she had learned 'was not normal'. There is so much processing that goes on with something that has us wonder 'what else we learned that is screwed up'.

Of course I then quickly shifted the conversation, but it made me realize that so much of what I experienced growing up is so far outside of the norm in terms of what other people experienced. Its sort of like I don't know what I don't know, and that's the maddening part of it all. I've been "tricked" into thinking that so much of my upbringing was "normal" when it was not.

And I think this can eventually eat away at us and have us believe we are socially inept. So yes, I'll match your *heavy sigh* and raise you ten.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Solara :hug:

Be gentle on yourself. Even 'normies' give each other shocked expressions and silence...it is part of social cuing.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Well My childhood was so Fked up by the abusers, Bullies and other Assholes who beat me, threatened me, raped and abused me I lost all control over what reality actually is a few months ago. So Yes. I fink it applies to me.

 

[Friday]

Yep. Just yesterday, was it? Did your friends scream at you that you're a liar, too? Because your life, and what's normal for you, is outside of their experience? Call you a disgrace, say they know there's been something off about you from the moment they met you, and tell you how you make them sick? Blindsided is a pretty good way to describe it.

 

[Spiderallis]

I usually try to play that off as sarcasm. Humor is subjective enough that some will think they just didn't get the joke. It's hard to do it the first few times, but learn to laugh when the awkward silence gets too loud. Maybe that's a bad idea, I'm not sure. I usually try to have a designated reality-check buddy so we can verify if something is acceptable in the present reality or not. I tend to wander into strange or awkward situations anyhow, so I'm never sure of how 'typical' or 'average' anything is. Average is just a statistic, these are real live humans and those are much less predictable than data on a chart.

 

[Kefira]

Yes, often. I just mentioned to someone yesterday how I once had said in a group of friends "it's like that thing where you're drinking water and it makes you terrified you're going to die" and then had to have it pointed out to me that maybe for someone who has been half-drowned that WOULD happen but it was hardly normal.

Typically for me it comes up when I voice my honest opinions on things like friendship or relationships. And if anyone gets me started on marriage then I really get those looks.

 

[Ronin]

I still need that sign of @FridayJones said it before I took a breath to say it.

Partially why I'm happier being a stranger than a friend in many ways. Strangers pass go and do their thing and don't have to work at openess with own life friends do.

 

[WildMermaid]

Just... *nods*. Yes and it sucks. :alien: