Assault I barely feel alive

My wife was killed almost one year ago. Two days before I was stabbed by some deranged stranger at a hotel. Life and coincidences!
I can't help myself but crying. Each night I listen to our songs. I even created a playlist with hers only. I listen and I cry, I laugh a little and I smile through my tears. But mostly I feel devastated.
I don't want to face my own traumas, I fall into the pain I feel thinking about her not being here anymore. She would have said 'think about you first, heal yourself my love'. For now I can't.
I wish for nobody to have to face that: the huge loss of their loved one.

I don't want to write too much, it will last for pages!
It's just that... I don't know. This need to finally talk about all that happened is something.

Personally I have to face a rape and a stabbing.
It's a nightmare I don't want to face no more. I have epilepsy crisis when I'm emotionally overwhelmed.

Do you have any way to get therapy? Can you start meditating?

KA60 said:

Do you have any way to get therapy? Can you start meditating?

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No I can't have access to therapy for now, low income and I'm froze somehow. I'm depressed. I've stopped working. Time has stopped.
But I can call a helpline and I do journaling. I don't meditate but I try grounding techniques to calm my emotions. It helps. My GP gave me anxiolytics.
This year has been a struggle not to drown.

Try to get outside and walk, preferably in nature. At home focus on your breath, take full breaths and pay attention to the sensation of being present in your body. Don’t hyperventilate, just focused full breathing. I know from personal experience how hellish it can be. Take care and be good too yourself. If you have let things go in your housing, start addressing that as you can. Small tasks like doing the dishes have a therapeutic benefit and it feels good to accomplish things, even if just little things. Furthermore our mood is greatly influenced by our environment. None of the above cost anything except effort. When I am deep into it, the first steps are the hardest but it gets better fast.

Patricia said:

No I can't have access to therapy for now, low income and I'm froze somehow. I'm depressed. I've stopped working. Time has stopped.
But I can call a helpline and I do journaling. I don't meditate but I try grounding techniques to calm my emotions. It helps. My GP gave me anxiolytics.
This year has been a struggle not to drown.

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I understand. Emotionally and financially I was once in a similar place as you. Take care of you.

Lost in the Woods said:

Try to get outside and walk, preferably in nature. At home focus on your breath, take full breaths and pay attention to the sensation of being present in your body. Don’t hyperventilate, just focused full breathing. I know from personal experience how hellish it can be. Take care and be good too yourself. If you have let things go in your housing, start addressing that as you can. Small tasks like doing the dishes have a therapeutic benefit and it feels good to accomplish things, even if just little things. Furthermore our mood is greatly influenced by our environment. None of the above cost anything except effort. When I am deep into it, the first steps are the hardest but it gets better fast.

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Thanks for your advice. It helps a lot to be heard. I've noticed myself that doing the dishes or sweeping is reassuring somehow, you feel in normal life again. I'm getting better with my everyday life, I make strong effort to stay afloat minute after minute sometimes. You're right the first steps are the hardest. I'm doing the best I can to not feel as isolated as I am. Listening to radio, watching silly TV series again, keeping my home lively as much as possible. It's a long way to recover.
I don't recognize myself, I was so self-assured, sociable and now I just stare at things trying to keep up with life. It's hard.

KA60 said:

I understand. Emotionally and financially I was once in a similar place as you. Take care of you.

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Take care of you too.

Do you have a pet? I have 2 dogs they are my ESAs. I have a document. Deep breathing is helpful. Something I have learned to do is to realize I am in fear as soon as I feel it accept acknowledge it and spend quiet time trying to identify what I fear. Then I can use critical thinking to assess if the fear is valid or real. We own an rv. We have an active lifestyle. I have some chronic pain so I been following the decluttering channels on you tube. It has helpful for my focus. We were not hoarders but less is so much better.

KA60 said:

Do you have a pet? I have 2 dogs they are my ESAs. I have a document. Deep breathing is helpful. Something I have learned to do is to realize I am in fear as soon as I feel it accept acknowledge it and spend quiet time trying to identify what I fear. Then I can use critical thinking to assess if the fear is valid or real. We own an rv. We have an active lifestyle. I have some chronic pain so I been following the decluttering channels on you tube. It has helpful for my focus. We were not hoarders but less is so much better.

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No I don't own any pets. I can't barely take care of myself for now so I don't want to be a bad mum for a little pet. I'm happy for you you have your dogs with you. I tend to overthink and my PTSD being real bad it's not helping but I'm learning from it somehow. The constant focus I feel I need to have to not be totally overwhelmed is sometimes exhausting. Yet I'm making progress these days. Less anxiety and more peacefulness. My wife... I miss her so much but I know she's ok. Acceptance phase of the grief. Sometimes I just want to hit hard the guy who did that to her. But most of the time I'm sad and then the PTSD comes in and I just hold on. Music helps me a lot. Acknowledging my own emotion is a helper too. I do what I can to eat healthy food cause it's a good way to regulate one's emotion. You have some good techniques on your own I hope you're well.

Patricia said:

No I don't own any pets. I can't barely take care of myself for now so I don't want to be a bad mum for a little pet. I'm happy for you you have your dogs with you. I tend to overthink and my PTSD being real bad it's not helping but I'm learning from it somehow. The constant focus I feel I need to have to not be totally overwhelmed is sometimes exhausting. Yet I'm making progress these days. Less anxiety and more peacefulness. My wife... I miss her so much but I know she's ok. Acceptance phase of the grief. Sometimes I just want to hit hard the guy who did that to her. But most of the time I'm sad and then the PTSD comes in and I just hold on. Music helps me a lot. Acknowledging my own emotion is a helper too. I do what I can to eat healthy food cause it's a good way to regulate one's emotion. You have some good techniques on your own I hope you're well.

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Yes thank you . I am well but get overwhelmed. Part of me being overwhelmed precedes my critical illness in 2014 when I went into cardiopulmonary arrest. I have the traits of HSP..like quiet time to process check things out use critical thinking skills to make decisions.

KA60 said:

Yes thank you . I am well but get overwhelmed. Part of me being overwhelmed precedes my critical illness in 2014 when I went into cardiopulmonary arrest. I have the traits of HSP..like quiet time to process check things out use critical thinking skills to make decisions.

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Hi. How you doing?
I am an HSP myself and I didn't notice it until my wife made me aware of it, she was an HSP herself. Do you know the website 16personalities? It's a place where you can discover more about your own personality traits, it's pretty accurate.
I feel exhausted tonight. I cry, I laugh. Daily life makes no sense sometimes. I wonder what I am doing here without her.

Well I am tired but pretty well. Been very busy. We bought a new used car and sold our old one. This process a lot online was a teaching moment for me..The state of world affairs the constant chaos wears me out and except my comments on political venting I will not discuss it. I will remove myself. How are you? How is your health? I will check out this personality site. Thanks for reaching out to me. I can sure use it.