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My serial rapist groomed me and he would show me pictures of naked women. I distinctly those times because it made feel icky. Then the time came when he had me completely to himself and he took pictures of me in sadistic poses and burns from his cigarette. I hate to have my picture taken to this...

@Friday what you say makes sense to me. My primary doctor doesn’t want to step on my specialists toes as far as my chemical injury is concerned. When I go to an ER after bad assaults of pesticides or offgassing carpet, they don’t know what to do for me. I’m shaking like a leaf, my temp gets low...

She’s going to continue it for now.

@Bearlinda i heard they’re going to remake another Garp movie. I gotta reread it before it comes out!

@EveHarrington im giving this new provider a trust score of 1 on a scale of 0-10. If she makes an attempt to consider the brain damage I have from my chemical injury, then she’ll get several more points. I mean I have serious tremors from it and Xanax and Geodon minimize it so that I can do my...

My grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry by Fredrik Backman and re-reading John Irving’s The World According to Garp

I work with a Shaman. She taught me how to take a shamanic journey to non-ordinary reality. This where my spirit guides came to me. My primary guide is wolf. He takes me on journeys. Other guides that come to me are hawk, swan and an indigenous man. Also a blue faerie. In upper world I have a...

@shimmerz How were you able to get off your benzodiazepines? Did you add something different or are you drug free now? I think I could not work without Xanax because without it I have tremors. I also like my Geodon it’s an atypical antipsychotic and it really softens my volitivity. It helps me...

Had first appointment with a new shrink. Decided to go with a female. Nope, just as clueless as my old ones. Would not even let me describe my chemical injury nor wanted the reports of neurologist, neuropsychologist and environmental doc. I was visibly irritated by that and just shut down and...

Succulents made it across country in great shape. Now I have to get them calmed down. I had a reaction to something and I thought shit, maybe there’s pesticide residue on the plants. I called the grower and they assured me they don’t spray them with pesticides because they kill succulents. So...

Oh and I’m having one right now! I’m getting a new med management provider and today’s my first visit with her and I came an hour too early. Ugh!! I could’ve had a nap!!

When my session is over, my t walks to his office door and holds the doorknob and he may be still talking to me but I’m freaking out because I feel trapped that only he gets to open the door to let me out. This embarrassed me so I just would stand there fearful. Finally I got my courage and some...

I can honestly say that the only times I have been grounded was during. Reiki session and when I got acupuncture treatments.? Other than that I’m in a state of floating outside of my body feeling like my skin is gettin stung by hundreds of bees. I wish for you that you know what it is to be...

i have a new car. I sort of read the owners manual. I didn’t read about the door locks. I have a phobia, one of many phobias I have, of being trapped in a sea of stopped cars. I always lock myself in when I find myself in that situation, with the associated hypervigelence and anxiety. Nothing...

So, @LilyRose . How are you feeling about moving forward?

Well, today was the big day. Would I or wouldn’t I quit therapy because of the smell? You all have been so creative and supportive, I really appreciate the time you took to help me settle down and think wise, not emotional. I had watched a Tara Brach video over the weekend on trauma. Of course...

It sure sounds like you’ve been activated. That can easily happen if your therapist doesnt contain you before you leave your appt. can you find another trauma specialist? Digging into trauma can definitely rub salt into a wound. “First do no harm” my t is glacial with me. I always resist going...

So is your struggle about doubting your diagnosis or is it resistance to the process of PTSD therapy? I would think any brain that is injured would create new pathways of some degree with therapy. If not talk therapy then perhaps art, music or movement? Or meditation?

I hit like, but that doesn’t mean I like that you’re struggling, but that I validate what you’re feeling. It is crummy indeed.

@LilyRose i can identify with you. I also had a work injury that permanently disabled me from ever working in my field again. I was so sick from a chemical exposure I couldn’t function. I have brain damage as well as other injuries. My doctor ordered neurological testing on me to see if I had...

@Disco Dancing Queen close your eyes and picture all the allies you have around you. Not just us, but everyone you know that supports you. Now imagine we are connected by invisible cords that we use to ground you when you float away. Just one of the gifts of having allies

I always feel threatened on the day I have therapy, but isolation is not helpful. I just will myself to get there and then I start being able to settle in. Some obstacles at the moment but I know therapy with a trauma therapist is worth every minute. As we grow and change, I think some...

Thank goodness you have a lawyer. Good luck, I hope they work out you getting the time you need.

Big bag to unpack!

@FauxLiz the natural fragrance would have to be overpowering to the normal person for it to mask anything for me. I detect smells at very low doses. I have to check with him when it was that I first mentioned it because this might be emotional. The loss of my friend catapulted me into a state of...