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not a minor. he doesn’t specialize but i know he sees youth.

thank you, i appreciate this a lot. obviously i havent been skilled at picking up manipulation in the past which is why i’m there in the first place so maybe i am getting better at it haha.

thanks for saying i’m brave, i don’t often feel brave. you seem brave too. i think that ptsd really messes with your brain after awhile. i get triggered a lot and don’t know how to read real and imagined threats. so much of my life is “get out NOW” and then telling myself i’m overreacting. so...

i know. i already feel weirdly bonded to him and need to tear away. i’m not sure if he can tell if i like it or not as i hold things close to my chest but he can probably tell simply because i didnt pull away. i also notice that i am behaving a little more childlike with him than i would with...

i know :( i think i also like it because i get a little danger-rush from it which i guess is a ptsd thing, my heart rate elevates and i feel a little scared and excited at the same time and want to feel that again. part of the reason i wanted to ask if it seems like he is being inappropriate or...

well the thing is that like i said i like sitting close to him and being touched because i have erotic transference. my question is whether it’s okay or appropriate since just because the client likes it doesn’t mean it’s okay. and he knows that i get off on my own abuse, he knows all this stuff...

this is helpful, thanks for giving me examples as this is my first therapist.

good point :)

thanks yeah. he's been in practice for a very long time (like 40 years) as a PTSD specialist so i feel so confused about it. i do feel like he is having a game of me sometimes.

(also too late to edit but his hand was directly on my knee when he rested the object on it, like the back of his hand kinda)

it just feels like we are playing a cat and mouse game and i am the mouse? focusing my trauma on "the decisons you've made" vs the decisions they made to abuse me, which makes me feel like it is my fault. he says the right and wrong thing together and it's mixed signals. examples: "well, you...

he makes it clear that there are things i could have done differently (speak up, not drink too much, etc). for ex i told him about an assault that happened around others and he said i should have spoken up.

i’m scared to post the details because i’m paranoid about being recognized. however there are times i feel like he is blaming me for my abuse by staying in it or letting bad things happen to me because i am a passive/submissive person. a lot of time he focuses on my regret, like asks if i can...

if this has happened to you can you tell me a little about your story and how it started and happened? either here or pm me? i’m so confused about what is happening between my therapist and me. a lot of people talk about transference here and i wonder if it’s all in my head and that it’s...

can you please give some examples of how he groomed you? i feel like something similar is happening to me and i’m very confused. feel like i cant trust myself. :(

i asked my therapist if he hugs and he said he does “sometimes.” i dropped it because i got nervous but do you think that means it’s ok to ask? i am assuming he won’t ask me if i want one.

yeah i’m trying to figure out if it’s comfort. the thing is i like him. and i am super private and guarded in general. so it’s hard for me to tell if it’s me or him.

therapy and recovery is crawling for me. another session spent avoiding the topic. awkward session. i can’t seem to get to the point of talking. i get frustrated that i’m not moving forward and so answer therapist’s questions about other life issues with one word clipped answers. i don’t want...

i know everyone wears masks but why can’t i? i feel like it is the ptsd. i am so low energy and flat. i rarely smile. i am awkward in interviews, social interactions, at my job. i lose track of what i’m saying and sometimes even zone out in important situations. i want to be able to seem normal...

i don’t have nightmares every night but i can’t remember the last time i had a truly positive dream. if they aren’t nightmares (lately of being chased/hunted or looking down to see i am gravely injured), they’re anxiety dreams about work or relationships. like, forgot to go to class all year...

i don’t know about emdr but i want to say that i have sexual haptic flashbacks too (the feeling of having sex and the pain, and also pushing against the back of my throat) and i know how you feel. i just wanted to say that because i spent a lot of time googling and searching for this because i...

i feel so disconnected from everyone and everything on earth. like i am never going to ever feel connected to the world again. i try and try to re-integrate myself and eventually just give up and accept that i am a stranger in the world and that the world will never accept me for who i am, and...

yes you are right, it kind of does go beyond a feeling probably. another way i described it was a roach infestation. he asked me the color and i said "bile." it's kind of like, this desire to not be with my self, in my body--to escape my body--and the dread is not "something bad is going to...

yeah they are never going to work! when i told him about the feeling, he was like "when do you not feel like that?" but it's pretty much never. it lessens if i am talking to someone or doing some other thing that requires my attention, like watching a movie with friends, but once i am alone...

thanks to you both. i think i am just worried that (or know that) this level of intensity will come back at some point and that i won't be able to get out of the hole again for an even longer time. it's not a sustainable way to live. i'll have a mental break at work and that will be that. at...