just one of those nights

[brokenpony]

i feel so disconnected from everyone and everything on earth. like i am never going to ever feel connected to the world again. i try and try to re-integrate myself and eventually just give up and accept that i am a stranger in the world and that the world will never accept me for who i am, and that i will never feel like i have a home again.

how are people happy? what does happiness feel like? or contentment? or even just acceptance that you are here and that being here is a good thing? or even just a neutral thing? i don't understand how. when i see happy people it feels like i am looking at aliens. or maybe i am the alien.

i can't figure out how i belong. i am weird. and everyone knows i am weird. it's not just self-consciousness. my affect is flat. i am reserved. i stumble over my words. i get distracted easily and can't concentrate when i speak. i can't tell anyone i have ptsd (likely c-ptsd) beyond a couple people because i am worried they will use it against me. all anyone knows is that i am disaffected and unexcited. i am limp and cold. when my anxiety is high i am so awkward it is embarrassing.

sometimes i think i should quit.

why am i here? i just don't want to be here anymore.

 

[ladee]

But you are here. Learning that it's not that important to 'fit in the world', as much as it's important to learn how to fit in your own skin. To learn that 'weird' can be a good thing. For what ever reasons you are 'flat', that will change.

And this being Happy Thing, it's highly overrated. How many people do you run across that is happy all the time?? Not likely. Because Life Happens.

We are learning to navigate a world we do not understand nor feel we fit anywhere. It's extremely ok to be different. In my experience, I will always prefer being me , at the end of the day.

Everyone wears masks. EVERYONE. So what we perceive in others as 'happy', may not be that at all. I strive for being 'content' , to be wise and know when to hold em and when to fold em. To pick my battles. To be ok with myself, even on the bad days and nights.

I strive to be smart about my own life, actions and feelings. If some happiness happens, then great. I get an extra surprise that day. I much prefer being content. And I have worked hard for a long time to feel this way. Every single step I took was worth it. Hope the same happens for you.. :hug:'s

 

[ms spock]

I really relate to what you are talking about. You are not alone in feeling disconnected and alone.

It is really good that you are reaching out and asking for support. That is a great thing to do. It is not easy I know.

Do you have a trauma trained therapist? Have you read David Burns' book?

You have done the brave thing of reaching out to us here on the forum. What other tools do you have in your toolkit?

 

[brokenpony]

But you are here. Learning that it's not that important to 'fit in the world', as much as it's important to learn how to fit in your own skin. To learn that 'weird' can be a good thing. For what ever reasons you are 'flat', that will change.

And this being Happy Thing, it's highly overrated. How many people do you run across that is happy all the time?? Not likely. Because Life Happens.

We are learning to navigate a world we do not understand nor feel we fit anywhere. It's extremely ok to be different. In my experience, I will always prefer being me , at the end of the day.

Everyone wears masks. EVERYONE. So what we perceive in others as 'happy', may not be that at all. I strive for being 'content' , to be wise and know when to hold em and when to fold em. To pick my battles. To be ok with myself, even on the bad days and nights.

I strive to be smart about my own life, actions and feelings. If some happiness happens, then great. I get an extra surprise that day. I much prefer being content. And I have worked hard for a long time to feel this way. Every single step I took was worth it. Hope the same happens for you.. :hug:'s

i know everyone wears masks but why can’t i? i feel like it is the ptsd. i am so low energy and flat. i rarely smile. i am awkward in interviews, social interactions, at my job. i lose track of what i’m saying and sometimes even zone out in important situations. i want to be able to seem normal. my job is hiring for my position, to make it permanent. i should get this job and it is implied i will, but i’m so worried that they will interview all these people in shiny happy masks, and then interview me again and realize that they want someone else. i can tell that some people here are put off by me and my affect, especially because when i am nervous it is worse (with friends i am able to relax a little more). sigh. i feel so f*cked!

I really relate to what you are talking about. You are not alone in feeling disconnected and alone.

It is really good that you are reaching out and asking for support. That is a great thing to do. It is not easy I know.

Do you have a trauma trained therapist? Have you read David Burns' book?

You have done the brave thing of reaching out to us here on the forum. What other tools do you have in your toolkit?

thanks. i haven’t read the book but i will take a look. my therapist says on his website he treats ptsd but i am not sure about his specific training.

 

[ladee]

You are worrying about something in the future. That may or may not happen. So you show up for your next interview, and be your authentic self. If you have been given hope that the job is yours, possibly they see something in you that you don't see in yourself. It means you have potential, You are teachable. That is a good thing.

Wishing you luck and peace of mind, that who you are today or the day of the next interview, is good enough. I give you huge kudos for not pretending to be someone your not. I would rather have REAL which shows some self trust, whether you feel that way or not, than someone with a fake happy face.

At least you are going for it!!! That speaks volumes about your determination for change. :hug:'s