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So I'm finding that not hearing people speak is a very bad experience. Like depression or panic attacks are the result of my not being able to hear human speech for an extended period. I can do other things and focus on them, but if there isn't a constant chatter like a podcast, narrative film...

I think that's one of my issues. I can't just play games anymore, at least not to start. I need a podcast or something going at the same time. Only exception is a game I've been waiting years for like the new Dragon Age. Unfortunately games I'm that excited about don't come out too often.

Even when I'm not upset going to sleep is very difficult. Brian never wants to stop. On the plus side I've gotten very good at meta analysis.

I have a similar experience. For me I think it is a severe stress reaction to keep myself from dwelling on my negative feelings. I also often have one or more panic attacks during a normal day, so I spend a lot of time disassociated. I tend to be pretty rational when I have them compared to...

Don't really have anyone to go to appointments with me these days, which makes it much harder to make it to them.

My panic attacks tend to trigger my flight reflex, which makes me feel pretty manic. Have to resist the impulse to open the car door going down the freeway.

Well, I'm more paranoid about police. I'm hyper aware of the danger any such encounter can carry. I see any short of authority as inherently dangerous at this point, which makes school and working rather difficult. Online classes are about all I can handle for now.

It is much easier when I am with someone else in public. I prefer not to drive, but if I'm not the one driving I start to get a panic attack after twenty minutes or so.

I feel fine in my room when I'm by myself. It's going out in the world that I distrust.

It's a more recent development due to some injustices that have significantly worsened my PTDS. I still make an effort to go in public but anxiety attacks are an issue and I often end up in a bad mood. Still trying though.

When I drive somewhere in the back of my mind I expect to be pulled over. I expect for the stop to go badly. Jail. Shot. Doesn't matter. Something very bad will happen no matter what I do. I've come to expect people to take advantage of any power or weakness to inflict harm for their own...

I hate it when I get hyper iguana and start eating flies. Laying on a warm rock is a big trigger for me.

I've been working on similar feelings through online roleplaying. It offers me a very safe space to express myself sexually without feeling like I am in any danger. I can focus on the emotional trust needed without worrying about the physical aspects. Not sure if that gives you any ideas or not...

Big ball of guilt and shame. Guilt for the past, shame for the present. I know I don't deserve to feel this way. I am working on it. Would be a lot easier in a world where recovery was acceptable as a full time pursuit. Feeling judged doesn't help. Thanks for the kind words everyone. *hugs...

For not being able to handle the responalities of adult life. For not finding a way to stop my abuse when going along with it was easier. For still letting it prevent me from having a full life. For trusting the wrong people. For not pushing through grad school. For not taking enough care of...

No problem. :)

Feeling like I care about societal injustice more than nearly everyone else is one of the things that makes me deeply cynical.

It sounds like you know you made the right choice. Remember that the guilt is your abuse talking. New studies are showing that long term guilt is the most damaging emotion for children and inflicting it continuously would therefore be the worst kind of emotional abuse. You don't deserve that guilt.

Thanks. :)

Massages help some but are very painful.

Thanks for all the warm welcomes. I do my best to work on getting better. The disability I referenced is thoracic outlet syndrome, which isn't super fun. I definitely feel like if retirement were based on how much crap you've had to deal with I should be on an island somewhere warm.

Actually 4th grade was at a new school that had just been built. That principal was far less sympathetic. Haven't seen a therapist in quite a while. Have one in mind but can't keep appointments these days. My local friend group has always felt more competitive than compassionate and I've cut off...

Well, my second grade teacher told her I was a trouble maker. Don't remember much of being in her class, but I know the principal pulled me out as much as he could so I didn't always have to be in there.

Have lost trust in nearly everyone I know. Hate leave the house if I expect to have to talk to more than one or two people at a time and then only in very safe social situations. Hate obligations and expectations. Can't handle day to day demands of life outside of basic self care. Been through...