Distrusting The World And Inescapable Dread

[Rebel Girl]

When I drive somewhere in the back of my mind I expect to be pulled over. I expect for the stop to go badly. Jail. Shot. Doesn't matter. Something very bad will happen no matter what I do. I've come to expect people to take advantage of any power or weakness to inflict harm for their own pleasure. It's a repeated cycle I've experienced too many times. No matter how undeserved the hardship people will happily stick their fingers in your wound and smile with justification because you committed the sin of vulnerability. I don't know how to be a part of a world I see this way.

 

[arfie]

Yup, all those possibilities are lurking everywhere. 'Taint just paranoia. Those possibilities are real and available at any random moment. Good luck convincing this battered old warhorse otherwise.

However....

Those are only some of the possibilities available at any random moment. What I find depends on what I look for. I shoot for a balance where I can be aware of and prepared for the dangers, but I am still open to other possibilities.

Gentle hopes, @Rebel Girl . Hope you notice something pretty today.

 

[Seagreen]

Well said Arfie. You always articulate things so well.

Rebelgirl what you describe sounds a bit like agoraphobia. Have you tried exposure therapy?

 

[Rebel Girl]

It's a more recent development due to some injustices that have significantly worsened my PTDS. I still make an effort to go in public but anxiety attacks are an issue and I often end up in a bad mood. Still trying though.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that perhaps working on finding a way to feel safe in this world would be a good start. I don't mean on a grand scale, rather a small one. Is there anything in your life that makes you feel safe? It could be something as small as simply cuddling up on the sofa and watching a favorite movie and eating your favorite comfort food in the safety of your own home. I think its important to start small and build from there because that will re-train your brain to see that 'hey, there ARE safe things in this world, even if the world as a whole feels unsafe.'

 

[Rebel Girl]

I feel fine in my room when I'm by myself. It's going out in the world that I distrust.

 

[Ronin]

Would it be possible for you to take it as things to prepare yourself for, ease the dread? It's quite possible you'd end up ocd-like thoughts about safety just from another angle, though just throwing that out there if these thoughts are so pervasive already, maybe what might help would be take them as real options and get at least hypothetical solutions grounded in experience. In every case you might learn you're not *as* vulnerable as you see yourself in the process - or spots you're vulnerable in that wouldn't come to mind otherwise.

 

[Rebel Girl]

It is much easier when I am with someone else in public. I prefer not to drive, but if I'm not the one driving I start to get a panic attack after twenty minutes or so.

 

[Ronin]

Are there any consistent safe people in your life that could drive (with) you for a time, see if that panic lessens a little bit?
Also, please don't be too hard on yourself. Roads are risky; to be aware they are is completely normal. (Not meaning to minimize your panic, just saying there's a level of anxiety other people would simply name situational awareness & not a 'bad' thing in every case.)

 

[Rebel Girl]

Well, I'm more paranoid about police. I'm hyper aware of the danger any such encounter can carry. I see any short of authority as inherently dangerous at this point, which makes school and working rather difficult. Online classes are about all I can handle for now.

 

[Ronin]

Well, you can look into the reasons of *why* you see them as inherintly dangerous, proceed from there - is it past experience? Is it belonging to a group of people commonly targetted where you are? Is it issues/fear of authority itself and then, what does that mean to you and your life? Things like that. You could throw yourself against that fear in a way - research figures you're afraid of, their job, their duties, how approachable is who and not. Make them tiny less a boogey and tiny bit more a person like you with a job.

Also, if online schooling is an option for you, and different kinds aren't, there is no shame in it. Online classes aren't 'less' of classes. They're information, the work you do for them is real, the lessons are real. You're a student, congratz on that. ;)

 

[RussH]

@Rebel Girl I think what you are experiencing is fairly common for people that have suffered complex trauma. We are taught that the world cannot be trusted and it is out to hurt us, so we expect it: we anticipate it.
I have no reason to fear the police, and have never been unjustly treated by them, but when I am out driving I still expect to be pulled over for no reason and harassed.
I am always on guard when I am in a group of people; expecting some kind of an attack, which makes going to parties hard.

I think we need to realize that our past traumas are not necessarily precursors to future trauma, or predictors of future trauma, and we need to develop a core group of people that we can trust, and start rebuilding our ability to trust.

Here is a bold Idea; approach your local police department, and tell them of your fears, and see if they have a program that allows citizens to interact with the police officers, so you can get to know them as people, and alleviate your fears. I kind of exposure therapy.