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No. I know it sounds like I lack self-awareness but I honestly can't identify any triggers. It's like I'll be feeling really good for a period and then a switch will flip in my brain all of a sudden and I'll start thinking about killing myself. I wish I could identify a reason because then I...

I have been doing work on my trauma. To be honest that's not a very helpful suggestion because the issue is that despite doing work on it, I'm still feeling this way.

I've been working really hard on developing the ability to make myself feel good. What's happening though are these constant ups and downs. So I'll be up for a week long period and then down for the next week. I feel like I'm doing something wrong or not working hard enough because this is...

It's really weird how you remember things, forget them, and remember them again. I just remembered something I'd forgotten since I last remembered it, which is so strange. My dad would force me to excercise despite the fact that I was very sick (genetic illness) because he didn't believe I was...

Hearing from you helps a lot. Thank you. I had big traumatic experiences from roughly the ages 12 - 17, but I know there are things in my childhood (under 12) that happened as well. I still have the hardest time remembering that time period though. I know my dad hit me, my sister, and my mom...

Yeah, I get it. Either not a lot of people care very much, no one has any idea what to say, or what I'm complaining about isn't bad enough to complain about. Potentially all three.

You both seem frustrated with each other and at this point, it seems like you're bringing out the worst in each other. Why do you think you do it? What would your ideal relationship with him look like?

So I've recovered most of my memories from 12 on (or at least a good amount) but I still don't remember much of my childhood except for random things here and there. When I was a kid, my sister and I had a pet quail. I was carrying it back from the woods where we took it to play to our house...

Thanks for your support and prayers. My geneticist is really good so I'm okay with staying with them. They want me to go to a PCP for things like Chiari though, which I don't feel comfortable with. I am moving in so far as I'll be going back to school in another state in a few days. So I'll...

Withdrawal from Cymbalta was horrible for me as well. I tried to go off it for an enite year. Then I had to get a medical test that required me to go off five meds in two weeks, one of which was Cymbalta. I don't know how I did it. Those two weeks were some of the worst I've experienced.

I was on psych meds from a very young age. I was started on them because I was misdiagnosed with a somatoform disorder at 12. I finally went completely off all of them about a year ago and I feel so much better than I used to. I have dissociative PTSD. It used to be really severe but it's gotten...

I've experienced my vision going fuzzy during dissociation as well. The worst for me though was losing the ability to move any part of my body and just lying unable to move or speak for hours.

I don't know what the objective answer to your question is, but to me processing means doing mental work to reorder your thoughts/worldview and integrate your trauma into your personality/perception of yourself in a positive way.

I sincerely apologize. I hope you stay.

Okay. I hope I didn't cause you any distress. What I got from your post and responses is what I wrote above, but it's not worth it to talk about if the conversation isn't going to be useful.

I have more to say about this, I hope that's okay. When I was 11, I was swimming in a lake with my sister. We swam out to the dock in the middle of the lake and a man in his mid to late 20s or 30s said he would teach my how to dive. He touched me but I didn't understand what was happening. My...

I think you tread dangerous territory with this kind of thinking. Just my opinion. Where do you make the cut? Where does "real" sufferer turn into "fake" sufferer. Do you think you have the right to decide that for other people? What trauma is legitimate to you? What counts as trauma? Who are...

I "self diagnosed" my PTSD before I had it "verified" by a professional. If a professional had never diagnosed me I'd still have PTSD. The diagnosis doesn't give you PTSD, it's already there. I think it's ridiculous in a lot of cases to make people have validity bestowed upon them by professionals.

Thank you for being so respectful and supportive. I have talked to her somewhat about my need to seek validation. It's a complex set of reasons and I'm aware I do it, even though I can't always stop myself. So that awareness is something. I'll be seeing her only one more time before I go back to...

I have talked about this extensively with my therapist in the past months and she encouraged me to refer to it as sexual assault, stressing there are different types of sexual assualt. I think I'll talk about this with her again but I don't want her permission to be what makes me define this in...

I've thought about this and I realized I need to stop asking other people for permission about how to define things. I have to be able to define them myself or I'll never feel power over events. I don't need other people's permission. I don't know if my definitions are accurate but they're no...

You didn't make me feel pressured. I just meant feeling pressured in general. No need to apologize.

I agree the events when I was 12 were traumatic for me. I'm seeing my therapist one more time (either tomorrow or the day after) because I'll be returning to school in a different state in September. After that I won't have a therapist. I know I'm potentially not doing as well as I thought I...

This is very helpful, thank you. I think I'm going to stop talking about it now though for a bit because I'm finding this upsetting. It's nothing you said though so please don't think that. This conversation is just making me confront how much did happen and that scares me because usually I...

Thank you. I'll talk to my therapist about that. And yeah, it was vindicating to finally get an accurate diagnosis.