Childhood Uncertain

[katurian]

So I've recovered most of my memories from 12 on (or at least a good amount) but I still don't remember much of my childhood except for random things here and there.

When I was a kid, my sister and I had a pet quail. I was carrying it back from the woods where we took it to play to our house in a box. When I opened the box it was dead. I was told I'd broken its neck by carring the box too roughly and have always felt very guilty about that. This is what I remember. The other night, my sister told me it was actually our dad who killed the quail before putting it in the box and then blamed it on me. I was sort of upset last night but I don't actually know what to make of this information at this point.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

That sounds very mean and hurtful. I'm sorry you carried the guilt around for so long.

 

[katurian]

Yeah, I get it. Either not a lot of people care very much, no one has any idea what to say, or what I'm complaining about isn't bad enough to complain about. Potentially all three.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

I don't know why there aren't many responses katurian. This is a really big deal that you're writing about. As far I know, only psychopaths kill animals like your dad did. It was really really mean and sick thing to do. It was sadistic to let you believe that you'd done it.

I'm sure there's much more for you to tell.

I've posted before (another forum, I'm new to this one) where no one responded. I know how it feels and all that it triggers.

From this experience alone, I do believe that you've been through A LOT. I hope hearing from me helps.

 

[katurian]

I don't know why there aren't many responses katurian. This is a really big deal that you're wr...

Hearing from you helps a lot. Thank you.

I had big traumatic experiences from roughly the ages 12 - 17, but I know there are things in my childhood (under 12) that happened as well. I still have the hardest time remembering that time period though. I know my dad hit me, my sister, and my mom and I remember him taking food out of me and my sister's hands because he didn't want us to be fat. I know he called everyone names and threw things. My friends were too afraid of him to come over to my house. Mostly though I just remember the air of tension that existed constantly in the house and a continuous feeling of fear. I don't know if there was ever a time growing up where I was able to let my guard down and not be on edge.

 

[katurian]

It's really weird how you remember things, forget them, and remember them again. I just remembered something I'd forgotten since I last remembered it, which is so strange.

My dad would force me to excercise despite the fact that I was very sick (genetic illness) because he didn't believe I was sick. For example, we went cross country skiing and I fainted and he told me to get up and when I couldn't, left me in the snow and continued skiing.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

You have alot to process. You survived a man others were afraid of. I've remembered things I've already remembered and forgotten, too.

What's going on in your life now?

 

[Sideways]

When I read the OP, I wasn't sure where your mind was going with it, and I didn't have any info on your other trauma to place that memory in context. On its own, it was kind of like, "I remember this...", and I was worried that shooting a response through, I'd be way off mark with where your head was at. Sorry if you've read the silence as nobody caring, because that wasn't the case.

Recovering memories is a fairly random process. Or it has been for me. Remembering my dad abusing me was one thing. But the memory that really bugs me? He smacked me once for taking out the green waste and not putting the lid back on the compost bin. I was probably 4 years old. And I hadn't put the lif back on because when I took it off and dropped it on the ground, it was covered in maggots. Literally covered. And I went away and proceeded to have nightmares about it. And then he hit me because of it.

Something about the cruelty of that has always made my stomach turn over. And I guess maybe it's a bit like you and this memory about the quail. The memory isn't about the abuse, and I don't have to think about the abuse when it pops into my head. Almost like a 'safe' way of remembering his cruelty without having to actually confront the abuse itself. In a way, that memory is more painful for me, not because what he did was more awful than the abuse stuff, but because of what it represents.

Sorry this memory is sitting with you. But you are being heard.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi,
There may be many reasons why people aren't responding. I've skipped over this post because of the vague title. The post itself reads more like a journal entry as you don't ask a question or ask for feedback. People may not know how to respond. You tell a story but don't give people a jumping off point for responding so much.

 

[LateInThe Day]

Hi, sorry to hear you hadn't had more replies. I haven't been on for a while or I would have posted before. My mother was similar in some ways and enjoyed playing endless sadistic mind games. This may be an upsetting example and it's not exactly the same, but I'll warn you it's a sad in advance and about my own pet as I wouldn't want it to upset you more/trigger and you may chose to skip it till another time/never if that feels right.

When my pet rabbit that I was really close to died (for genuine reasons) I came home to find her angry at me. As I walked through the door from school she told me straight out that he was dead, not to go and make a fuss about it, and not to bother taking my shoes and coat off as I would need to go straight out and clear his cage and throw everything away as they wouldn't be needed anymore. Even as a child, I could tell she was struggling not to show how much she was enjoying my upset, all creepily agitated and excited, as she watched me tidy it all up. I still remember starting to cry when I threw his bowl in the bin and then being punished for crying, which was the bit she also enjoyed. I'm sorry you had these experiences. I wanted to say that you're not alone, as I know that I sometimes find the feeling that I'm the only person in the world that these types of things have happened to can be difficult. I'm still not sure what to 'do' with these memories either, but as horrible as remembering them is, discussing them on places like here does feel like a small step forward.