Feeling Reckless and Uncertain about the Future

[Sideways]

Some places will offer to genetically test for the best possible meds after a few years if needed.

This should be pretty widely available. I got mine done through my GP, although it was recommended by my pdoc, and that was a few years back now. If it’s available here, it should be available most places in the US.

Wish it had been available sooner - it identifies which psych meds are likely to give you significant side effects. It would have saved me more than a dozen different med trials if I’d had it sooner.

Hope things are improving for you @PlainJane . Ease back into life as slow as you need to.

 

[PlainJane]

That's fair. I took more than 20 years for me to get on the right meds. Some places will offer to genetically test for the best possible meds after a few years if needed.

I hope your 9-day stay was helpful?

I am not sure yet. I imagine a tumultuous few weeks.

Physically? I'm okay, or not dead anyway.

Mentally/emotionally? I am a whole lot of things. I couldn't really afford to have something like this on my record (not that it would have mattered if if if), and I am not entirely sure how I put myself in this situation. It was a terrible, stereotypical experience short of electroshock therapy. Not that they didn't offer it, mind you. I am skeptical of the ROI. I didn't necessarily walk away empty-handed; I met some amazing people and learned a lot of things that a textbook and classroom experience couldn't. The academic in me ate greedily. I formed connections I had never experienced before while helping my peers with basic things I take for granted (this forum is a f*cking godsend). That said, there's a real possibility I left worse than when I entered. I have a lot of work ahead of me, and I have to be clever about it.

It's been hard to piece together all of last week and what triggered what, but I had no idea how far gone I was. In retrospect, I am seeing more signs.

This should be pretty widely available. I got mine done through my GP, although it was recommended by my pdoc, and that was a few years back now. If it’s available here, it should be available most places in the US.

Wish it had been available sooner - it identifies which psych meds are likely to give you significant side effects. It would have saved me more than a dozen different med trials if I’d had it sooner.

Hope things are improving for you @PlainJane . Ease back into life as slow as you need to.

Thanks, it's hard for me to take a step back and not hit the ground running. The first thing I did when I popped back into civilization was check my phone to see where I was behind. I have coursework, work, medical, and kiddo stuff to catch up on and continue. I don't think I can force myself to return like I was; it will be a hard adjustment. Physically, I have no choice, so that's easy. The hard part is not hating myself for not being able to do it all.

@littleoc and @Sideways- I am looking into testing now. There are some other things I will try to see if I can get into while I'm in a hole having to be off work. I am open to anything. I genuinely want to learn how to want to live.

 

[abovedown]

That's fair. I took more than 20 years for me to get on the right meds. Some places will offer to genetically test for the best possible meds after a few years if needed.

I hope your 9-day stay was helpful?

Wow genetic testing for right meds sounds really futuristic and awesome

 

[littleoc]

Hugs for you I hear it's common to be worse off afterward for a while even when the stays are the best, most positive experience on the planet possible. That adjustment to being back home with many of the stressors, for me, really made me feel off.

You're doing it right, though, in taking the good parts out of it and leaving the rest behind.

 

[PlainJane]

Today hurt my feelings. I was out with the friend who took me in from the suicidal stuff, she sees me differently. I figured it would happen, hence why I don't share stuff. I get her perspective, but it still stings. I am the same human she knew three weeks ago.

I have filled out some forms and talked to a few providers for Ketamine treatments. There is one that will take insurance simply for the office visit and private pay for the infusion. Then the other has it figured out to bill the entire thing. At this point, I am less picky about what's on my record as it's now tainted.

I am a bit nervous about it. I want it to be a fit because it gives me another option to try, as I am trying really hard to get f*cking better at living. I am even more scared it won't be a fit. I don't know where else to go from here or other things to try. It's not settling well that I don't have a backup and a backup for the backup.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I am stuck in a loop; I know there's a way off the track, but I just can't see it. I don't know. Maybe I have zero control over this symptom, and it's primarily chemical and resistant to treatment. But then what?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm so sorry for that. All friends who I've said being suicidal to have been nothing but kind. The exception was my mother who tore me to shreds recently actually. But still, I hope you find someone to share this with. Not saying it helps but it's a component of everything.

I just wanted to say I really relate to the thread. Maybe not the adrenaline part, just this need to change and find fulfillment, because whatever you're doing- is not working anymore. That I can relate to as I spend years building my own blueprint to what helps me and doesn't, what I enjoy, what helps... And right now- none of it is working like it was. Things haven't not-worked this way in so long I feel lost. I kind of feel like in your marathon analogy with the aid stations. Like I reached 3 of them (1 each month) that I didn't think I will- and yet once again I don't know where the next one is. I'd forgotten how unsettling is.

I keep thinking about it and the only answer I keep finding is- if it doesn't work, change it.
In my case it might be 80% of things. But I'm getting to the point where I'm fine with that. How have you been doing?

 

[PlainJane]

The friend was kind, just different. I’m not even sure if it’s a bad thing. Maybe I need someone to treat me differently? I think it hurts my silly pride more than anything.

Things haven't not-worked this way in so long I feel lost

Yeah, lost and stuck. I think I figured some of it. Now I’m waiting on a broken system to tell me I qualify for help, just like a lot of us here.

if it doesn't work, change it.

I like change. Maybe I struggle with contentment. There’s a limit in what can be changed. That’s where the stick comes in. I am chipping away at it though.

How have you been doing?

I don’t know, honestly.