Feeling Reckless and Uncertain about the Future

[PlainJane]

I know this is not very coherent, and lacks flow. I can't express myself they way I need to, so I am just giving you what I can.

I don't know how to do this anymore. I have been trying really hard to live, trying to want to live. No dice. Up until now, I have been able to lean on the idea that I couldn't do anything drastic because of the kiddo. I feel so reckless and dangerous. That part gives me happy chemicals, but it's running its course. I am struggling to buying into the 'it gets better' shit. I have changed my environment, and broke routines. I started classes awhile back, it helped for a minute, now I am bored. Ultimately, I can't figure out why I would like to stick around other than I am supposed to. Obviously, that wont cut it. I don't know what I need in order to address this.

My therapist has been inconsistent, not that it matters I need a new one anyway. I haven't been able to find another one in the tiny place I am located, so I have kept this one because at least it's a check in. The last couple months our sessions have been cancelled with the exception of one. Defeats the purpose really.

It's like a race, where there are aid stations to refuel. They're markers in my head breaking the run down into smaller more digestible chunks. Instead of looking at having to make it to the finish line, I just have to make it to the next aid. I have run out of road. I don't know where my next marker is, and I don't particularly care about it anymore. Does that make sense?

I don't know what I am looking for, and I know there are threads addressing similar things. I know I don't want to be fed bullshit, but I am missing something because this isn't sustainable.

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @PlainJane . When was the last time you felt excited? What used to make you feel excited? Have you done things in life before that you genuinely had lust and passion for?

 

[PlainJane]

Not very long ago, tbh. It's just as short lived as the adrenaline I chase. Mostly I crave anything where adrenaline is involved. I can get excited (more invested than excited) about any rabbit hole I fall into, until i'm not. It seems everything eventually gets caught up in apathy.

 

[Survivor3]

I get excited about playing my sax. I have passion for it. And going to the Buddhist centre. There's a difference between apathy and depression though. I hope you can find something you would like to spend investing your time in. The place where you live...city/town, does it offer things to do?

 

[PlainJane]

Yeah, we have parks that offer lots of outdoor activities. I've done some Kayaking, camping, hiking. I am enrolled in marathons. My next one is at the end of this month. I can't seem to burn through this stage like I used to and I have been here for way too long. It's not enough anymore. It doesn't hit the spot. I am trying not to be stagnant, I really am. It's probably one of those things that I need to just hold on for five more minutes until I emerge from this space. I haven't been this bad since I was a teenager.

 

[Survivor3]

Maybe you are having a spell of depression then. Are you still living with and looking after your younger brother? I did get that right didn't I?

 

[No More]

As an adrenaline junkie myself, sometimes I will play the ‘dangle the carrot’ game, to keep myself trying to get from A to ?…

Make it to the end of the month? Bungee jump. 6 months? Spin the wheel on the cheapest flight, and go wherever for 2 days. Anything that you haven’t done that might get that racing buzz. White water rafting, skydive, mountain boarding is a favourite of mine, mainly because I *suck* at it and can throw myself down a hill with that crazy mixed buzz of adrenaline and actually not having a whole lot of control of how exactly I get to the bottom.

I don’t have a whole lot of purpose at the minute. My motivation has left me and won’t come back, so I dangle something I know will give me a rush infront of my face as a reward for simply ‘existing’ till that point. In the hope that I’ll find some sort of purpose along the way.

 

[Friday]

Know this.

 

[PlainJane]

Are you still living with and looking after your younger brother? I did get that right didn't I?

Yep, you got it!

I don’t have a whole lot of purpose at the minute. My motivation has left me and won’t come back, so I dangle something I know will give me a rush infront of my face as a reward for simply ‘existing’ till that point. In the hope that I’ll find some sort of purpose along the way.

This is pretty familiar.

 

[littleoc]

Did anything help you yet?

No advice, in the same boat as you for now -- just the environment I'm in, I guess. Have you tried any meds to help you get through the tougher spells of depression?

 

[PlainJane]

I guess not. I just finished a nine day stay because of suicidal stuff.

I have tried several types of medications. Some were more helpful than others. I had one I liked ok but the side effects aren’t worth it to me. It made me groggy, slow and I felt ineffective at work and study.

 

[littleoc]

That's fair. I took more than 20 years for me to get on the right meds. Some places will offer to genetically test for the best possible meds after a few years if needed.

I hope your 9-day stay was helpful?