Uncertainty. Going forward

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Our therapist and I discussed the idea of seeing someone specialised in dissociative disorders earlier this week. Really, this is what was wanted from the beginning, but our main part did not look for one out of doubt and fear, and other problems which felt much more urgent at the time. (Unfortunately, everything is deeply connected, and I can’t exactly re-schedule everything coming to a head in the dissociative disorder department.)

She offered to help us find some local options, to have something on the table so the avenue is open. I really appreciated this, and was surprised that she offered.

This therapist is very good, I enjoy her approach and environment she makes. This is the first good therapist we’ve had. She has been for… A year or so now?
Due to this and the… dense thicket of everything, our main part has mainly been in the “getting things out” phase, which is exceedingly difficult for many factors I’m sure everyone here is familiar with. But despite not being at management yet, the therapist has been a great help, instead of making everything even more difficult… shocker, I know.

I say all this because I am nervous, no immediate or even soon decision has to be made, but after the struggle of finding and building trust with a therapist, I find the idea of starting over scary. I’m very conflicted.

On one hand, the main part will not transition or build trust easily at all with another therapist. I feel I should not be the one making that call, because it would tear down the very-much-unfinished-but-progressing work on unravelling and approaching management for the OCD. This is a problem which is beyond the scope of any experience we have encountered. The compulsions are so embedded that despite having purged the false beliefs and intense anxieties originally driving them, they still must be done. It is now a thoughtless itch which is debilitating yet equally rewarding. And the compulsions being primarily mental does not help in tackling them. It would be unwise of me to cut off the progress and support in the main-part finally opening up to someone worth doing so, just because I don’t have that experience and am much more functional in daily life.

On the other hand, I have been here uninterrupted for over a month, I have no idea or pattern to go off of as to how much longer I’ll be in the driver’s seat. Based on the awful state of wellbeing of our main part, it could be a quite a while. This is uncharted territory, and I want more specialised support at least somewhere down the line. This therapist is unexpectedly helpful to me, but again, is not as experienced or equipped in this area as I need, and will be needed as a whole when more happens.
My worry is that this will be rough sailing, and we will be left with inadequate support and potentially stranded. I want to start building up tools now, I’m scared of how this is going to be.

My other big hang-up is that the ones I’ve been provided to look into make me nervous. I know I can’t prejudge and shouldn’t feel as if I know what somebody will be like based on their website… but the “horn tooting” is putting me off some of them. It’s all “vibes” based, I know, and very unreliable source of judgement, but it makes me hesitate on the idea of exploring this avenue, whenever it will be.

I’m more confident and less anxious with people, so maybe I should take advantage of that and just talk with some of them, see what they’re about and if I’d consider them another time. I know at least one offers a meeting without charge to test the waters. I’m not sure how to make a judgement, or ask questions which will give me any insight, though. What do I say!

I don’t want to feel as if I’m committing to go down this path yet, especially since our current therapist works extremely locally. Walkable, or a very cheap (and reliable) bus fare. No driver’s license or ability to keep a car. Therapy online is a must-only basis.


I don’t know… this is alien to me. Just getting it out to try and put what I’m thinking into perspective.

 

[arfie]

am i jaded to think of that first meetup as an employee interview? i am considering the prospect of hiring a potentially qualified candidate. emphasis on "potentially." it takes more than credentials to fill this highly sensitive position in my personal corporation. if i decide to schedule a second meeting, the new employee still has to fulfill the trial period before they are formally hired and eligible for company benefits. corporate policy. i don't have a DID dx, but my internal board of directors is tough. they want proof before full access is granted.

my human resources department isn't so tough, but they do get flighty. sexual harassment is a top shelf bennie in my corporation. ya gotta earn it.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

am i jaded to think of that first meetup as an employee interview? i am considering the prospect of hiring a potentially qualified candidate. emphasis on "potentially." it takes more than credentials to fill this highly sensitive position in my personal corporation. if i decide to schedule a second meeting, the new employee still has to fulfill the trial period before they are formally hired and eligible for company benefits. corporate policy. i don't have a DID dx, but my internal board of directors is tough. they want proof before full access is granted.

my human resources department isn't so tough, but they do get flighty. sexual harassment is a top shelf bennie in my corporation. ya gotta earn it.

Not at all, there’s enough bad employees out there, and a bad one is often worse for the company than working overtime to cover the empty spot… I think it’s efficient, personally. And a less intense way to look at it. Just an interview, not wading into uncharted waters and viewing the therapist as a potential siren.

I suppose my main issue is that I have never in my life had to hire somebody, new corporation and all… I’m worried I’ll miss something in my “interview”. Maybe experience is needed, this way of looking at it is non-committal, so maybe I should just try it. If it goes well it’s someone to remember for later, if not, oh well.

 

[arfie]

I suppose my main issue is that I have never in my life had to hire somebody, new corporation and all… I’m worried I’ll miss something in my “interview”

when i first adopted this approach, i was early into my working life and had zero experience hiring. i have since had ample experience in the miserable job of wading through stacks of qualified candidates in the hunt for suitable contractors and employees. i consider my psych and med pros to be contractors. after all that experience, my bottom line still adheres to the advice offered by the therapy peer who suggested this approach.

1) don't be afraid to ask questions. go into the interview with a list of questions you wish to ask to ward off forgettance in the line of fire.
2) look 'em in the eye and trust your gut on what you see there.

i believe the main importance in this approach is self-empowerment and self-trust. even i am working state programs or "good insurance," never forget who is paying and who is getting paid. be the boss. take charge. in the psych/med parks, i believe the current buzz word is, "self-advocate."

 

[Friday]

am i jaded to think of that first meetup as an employee interview?

That’s exactly how I found my teams, for ADHD, as a teenager. Granted, one COULD argue that all teenagers are jaded , but as someone who moved maaaaaaybe every 6mo? Being able to find someone GOOD, fast, was paramount. By my early 20’s I had it down to an art form. Hundreds of choices, whittled down to a couple dozen phone interviews, and 5 in person interviews, and 1 final selection… in about 72hrs.

That finding a good trauma therapist took me months/years, during the worst of my bad luck? Blew. My. Mind. But if I hadn’t had that early experience of interviewing candidates to potentially work with? I’d have been stuck with seeeeeriously bad therapy.

Most people? Take 3+ bids on HOME repairs. Are on a constant quest for a great mechanic. Change their accountant without blinking an eye. But don’t bother to interview people whose job is to manipulate them, when they’re at their most vulnerable, and to play with their brains?!? OMFG. Desperation causes more shite decisions than anything else I can think of.