Uncertainty - Unsure if I miss them, or miss the feeling?

[Tek33]

In the spring I had been dating a single mom for around 3-4 months. My CPTSD flared up and I unintentionally (maybe subconsciously is a better term) self sabotaged the relationship and broke it off thinking I wasn’t good enough for her or her kid. I think it’s because I knew she loved me and I was really falling for her (which I’d never done before) and the lack of control/inner critic took over. Afterwards, I self medicated and gave her some space as we’ve texted only once and a while since the . I’m in a better place now but it feels as if there is a hole in my heart and I miss them so much. Giving/receiving affection is my favorite thing in the world and I’m unsure if it’s truly them that I miss or just the feeling. Sorry, I know this is a ton but I really am a noob when it comes to love. Thank you all so much.

 

[Friday]

I’m unsure if it’s truly them that I miss or just the feeling

That’s true in ALL new relationships.

First? It’s us. What attracts us. Later? It’s them, and uniquely them.

3-4 mo? No way to tell if it’s you or them.

The first 6mo? Is nearly all us / the honeymoon phase on nearly all relationships… where we find what WE need/want, in someone else. Past 6mo? The actual person becomes important. It’s about them, and who they are. After 2 years? It’s about who WE are, together. Past 7 years? Where we together/individually want our LIVES to go. Statistically. You’re still in the you-honeymoon-imaginary-phase. Which all 7-year-itch relationships triumph over. But very few make it 6mo. Much less 7 years.

 

[Muttly]

I agree with what Friday says. Not that there can't be things about the person that you miss, but that's still a very new relationship. It's ok to miss that feeling of being in a relationship.

Do you have thoughts on where you go from here?

 

[B.Sanford]

That’s true in ALL new relationships.

First? It’s us. What attracts us. Later? It’s them, and uniquely them.

3-4 mo? No way to tell if it’s you or them.

The first 6mo? Is nearly all us / the honeymoon phase on nearly all relationships… where we find what WE need/want, in someone else. Past 6mo? The actual person becomes important. It’s about them, and who they are. After 2 years? It’s about who WE are, together. Past 7 years? Where we together/individually want our LIVES to go. Statistically. You’re still in the you-honeymoon-imaginary-phase. Which all 7-year-itch relationships triumph over. But very few make it 6mo. Much less 7 years.

This makes me see how everyone truely is different. I would give almost opposite advice/ expectations based on my experience with love.
I knew after 2 months of dating that my husband was special and a good fit for me. We were engaged after 9 months (but we knew we wanted to get married after about 5 months). We got married after a year and 3 months.
I did not noticed any big differences over time. I just knew he was my one big Love and I was right.

 

[B.Sanford]

That’s true in ALL new relationships.

First? It’s us. What attracts us. Later? It’s them, and uniquely them.

3-4 mo? No way to tell if it’s you or them.

The first 6mo? Is nearly all us / the honeymoon phase on nearly all relationships… where we find what WE need/want, in someone else. Past 6mo? The actual person becomes important. It’s about them, and who they are. After 2 years? It’s about who WE are, together. Past 7 years? Where we together/individually want our LIVES to go. Statistically. You’re still in the you-honeymoon-imaginary-phase. Which all 7-year-itch relationships triumph over. But very few make it 6mo. Much less 7 years.

I know that when I husband was in the ICU and I was worried that I might lose him to brain cancer (he is on the mend now), what I missed most about him was how he would just reach out and hold my hand or come up behind me and give me a hug. It was the way he did it.
Sometimes a lot can be said about someone by how they make you feel when they reach for you.
Your gut knows if you had something special.