I Think I'm The Abuser Now

[caligirl03]

I'm the "supporter"--or at least I was.

My boyfriend used to yell, swear, and call me the worst names, even over pretty trivial things, and I would always just take it. I loved him madly but was slowly starting to resent him more and more. I finally reached my breaking point and said either he works on his issues or I'm gone for good.

He's been working on his anger through therapy, and while he's still not where he wants or needs to be, I can't deny that he has gotten SO much better.

However, now I'M the one to push and push and push him with my words, even after he asks me repeatedly to please stop, to the point where I back him into a corner, making him so angry he goes back to that place of rage that he's been trying so hard to avoid.

I know this is sick and I'm ashamed of myself. This is NOT support or what he needs, and I think I'm the one with the issue now. Why do I do this to him?! I can't for the life of me figure it out and hate myself for doing this :(

 

[Gs172003]

Maybe because that's what you are used to and it makes you more comfortable? ( grasping at straws here)

 

[katurian]

You both seem frustrated with each other and at this point, it seems like you're bringing out the worst in each other. Why do you think you do it? What would your ideal relationship with him look like?

 

[Merf]

In my experience this never ends well, but it's good you're recognising what's happening. Have you considered therapy for yourself to allow yourself to understand and deal with the anger?

This happened to me as I felt so resentful and angry about all that happened (we didn't know at this point he had PTSD as he hadn't had a diagnosis). It really is a warning sign so please allow yourself to get to the bottom of this and heal. I wish I had recognised the same as I ended up becoming a trigger for my sufferer (a trigger for him is nasty words as he suffered verbal abuse as a child) and we never got over it.

 

[caligirl03]

I love him very much and want to see if we can work things out. Maybe I just need some space for now to heal? @missy meier yes that does make sense, as warped as it is!

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[Mach123]

Thanks I was looking for somewhere to write this, this is what I'm thinking about this morning I think it relates. I act out the abuse it's all I know and I surround myself with people who'll go along with it. It's more accurate to say everyone in my universe is one of the people I need so desperately to avoid but they are the only people I see. Everyone else is invisible.

Then you get with that person (whom you carefully select) and you start role playing but you may not even remember what happened. I did this my whole life. I was the abuser in a couple scenarios but I'm a femme and much more comfortable in the submissive role. It's everywhere, it's everyone. Both sides of our family as far back as anyone can remember so naturally our kids got it as well.

The worst part is the abuser in my head. Trying to deal with me and allow or not allow myself to do things? It was so awful. I think seeing it is the important thing. It sounds like you see it so maybe you'll "allow" yourself to take a step back from it. My wife and I struggled so long playing those roles and not knowing it. (she is my dom of course, man she abuses the hell out of me!) We see it now and sometimes in a clear moment we crack up about it) At least we can laugh sometimes now (almost 30 years married) Therapy helps so much to learn why we act the way we do.

Thanks so much when I was reading your post I got an image in my head of you backing him into a corner the way my wife used to do to me. It made me laugh and though I am very serious about recovery I really feel like once you start to laugh at some of this stuff it loses it's power. Once you get the "skeleton out of the closet" you find it is not such a big scary monster after all.

 

[Casey_03]

Why do I do this to him?!

As others have mentioned, you might just be getting out all the pent-up resentment that built up from his previous behavior. But I also have an alternative idea, and I'm not sure you'll like hearing it.

Is it possible that you were attracted to him in the first place because you liked the intensity and rollercoaster ride that came with his anger? I don't know enough about your relationship and I don't mean to imply that you enjoyed abuse, but I wonder if you're now missing the intensity that came along with his outbursts and trying to get some of it back. Maybe? I don't know. Just a thought.

 

[Merf]

That is a very interesting point. I think I can relate to that. For me looking back on my situation, it was like I didn't know how else to deal with the situation other than a massive confrontation once he started to shut down and isolate instead. Perhaps as if abusive arguments were better than being ignored and blocked out

 

[caligirl03]

@Merf My T says it's because many couples would rather feel engaged with one another even if it's negative rather than have no interaction at all...

 

[Hojay]

I can relate to this. I'm a supporter and I wish sometimes that my sufferer would garner up as much patience, acceptance, and empathy for me as I have for him. I am careful with my words, but even just standing up for myself or talking back to him when he gets in a rage is considered "pushing him," in his eyes. I do not reasonably know how to avoid this, how to be totally okay with him not wanting to talk for 4 days, after seriously flying off the handle. I resent the fact that I am then turned into an "abuser" or am blamed for not "giving him space." It's just not right.

 

[aut555]

Is there something triggering you recently to start responding and being abusive? The next time this happens, can you draw a deep breathe and take inventory of what emotions came to the surface before you switched into abuser?