Supporter My partner with C-PTSD thinks I'm abusive but I think it's a communication issue.

[aziraphale60]

I don't know what to do. She tells me that I'm constantly yelling at her and speak with a nasty tone and that I just need to admit that I hate her. We've been together for almost 10 years and she now describes our entire relationship as abusive. Accusing me of things I've never done like forget her birthday as well.

A little while ago she called me from across the house and all I said was "Yes?" in a completely neutral tone because I was distracted looking for a cable and she just said "well nevermind then" so I went over to her to explain myself pleading for her to understand that I wasn't annoyed or yelling and she stood there deer in the headlights and said that my solution to using a mean tone was yelling at her.

When I walk I'm stomping around. When I move an object I'm slamming it in anger. If I was as enraged as she always thinks I am I would have had a heart attack by now.

I'm at the end of my rope. She keeps comparing me to part boyfriends who abused her. I've never even been in a fight. Hell she's attacked me before and I just take it because it's not so bad but the other night I grabbed her arms just to stop her from hitting me and she said I grabbed her like her abusive ex did and I'm just like him. She says I'm worse that she's rather I hit her all the time than be so aggressive.

I'm so cooked.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

never been in this stuff before but hope you can get some input from more experienced people on here

sounds really difficult, very painful for you, Im sorry for what you're going through, it's not right for her to treat and call you like that. I can only imagine it sucks bad being compared to her abusers as well.

she shouldn't be hitting/attacking you either. regardless of the reason she has for it. just because youre not necessarilyfeeling in as much danger as she'd be if it were the other way around, doesnt make it okay. that is wrong and that is abusive.

I dont know her but being cruel to your partner is what it is. her being traumatised doesnt make it okay or turn it into something else to hit you. that is not normal. cptsd isnt a get out of jail free card youre still accountable for your actions. being debilitated in and of yourself is one thing but hurting people is another.
if every traumatised person were absolved of the way they treated others based on being traumatised, then a lot of us here wouldn't be able to hold anyone responsible for what we've been through.

 

[Sideways]

Hell she's attacked me before and I just take it because it's not so bad but the other night I grabbed her arms just to stop her from hitting me

This is probably when it’s time to walk out and give her time to cool down. Keeping yourself safe is really important. Not just for your physical safety but because this sort of treatment will wearing you down mentally over time, so looking out for yourself is critical.

Is she seeing a therapist or doing some work on her recovery? It doesn’t sound like the current dynamic is sustainable.

 

[Hello_panda7]

I don't know what to do. She tells me that I'm constantly yelling at her and speak with a nasty tone and that I just need to admit that I hate her. We've been together for almost 10 years and she now describes our entire relationship as abusive. Accusing me of things I've never done like forget her birthday as well.

A little while ago she called me from across the house and all I said was "Yes?" in a completely neutral tone because I was distracted looking for a cable and she just said "well nevermind then" so I went over to her to explain myself pleading for her to understand that I wasn't annoyed or yelling and she stood there deer in the headlights and said that my solution to using a mean tone was yelling at her.

When I walk I'm stomping around. When I move an object I'm slamming it in anger. If I was as enraged as she always thinks I am I would have had a heart attack by now.

I'm at the end of my rope. She keeps comparing me to part boyfriends who abused her. I've never even been in a fight. Hell she's attacked me before and I just take it because it's not so bad but the other night I grabbed her arms just to stop her from hitting me and she said I grabbed her like her abusive ex did and I'm just like him. She says I'm worse that she's rather I hit her all the time than be so aggressive.

I'm so cooked.

Hey aziraphale60,

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through that. It’s hard dealing with it especially when you love that person very much. I have CPTSD. I have huge trust issues, social anxiety, anxiety, hypervigilance, and so on. There was a season in my life that my anxiety was so bad that I felt like all my coworkers were talking/whispering about me. I still have my symptoms but managing it is all I could do for now. I believe asking for a medical professional (psychologist/psychiatrist) can help her processed her emotions and throughts. Exercise would be really helpful because it releases happy chemicals in our brains. I suggest going on walks with her or going to the gym. Getting enough rest/sleep. Try offering a calming tea at night (chamomile tea) so she’s much more refreshed in the morning. I hope it gets better for you guys.

 

[EveHarrington]

Once I screamed at someone because I thought they were purposely clanging dishes to annoy me. This person had a history of being passive aggressive so my thought wasn’t completely unfounded. It turned out they weren’t doing it on purpose. I was just on constant high alert. It’s been years but my system has calmed down due to a variety of factors. I can’t really give any advice, but make sure you’re taking care of your own needs in all of this.

 

[Muttly]

That is a lot to deal with. You are allowed, and also need, to take care of yourself. Are you getting therapy? What supports do you have? You can be a supportive partner and do everything "right" but if the other person isn't in a place to receive or accept it, you can't fix them. It's a hard thing to accept, but really important to not get trapped in a dynamic that isn't healthy for either of you.

 

[Flesh n blood]

never been in this stuff before but hope you can get some input from more experienced people on here

sounds really difficult, very painful for you, Im sorry for what you're going through, it's not right for her to treat and call you like that. I can only imagine it sucks bad being compared to her abusers as well.

she shouldn't be hitting/attacking you either. regardless of the reason she has for it. just because youre not necessarilyfeeling in as much danger as she'd be if it were the other way around, doesnt make it okay. that is wrong and that is abusive.

I dont know her but being cruel to your partner is what it is. her being traumatised doesnt make it okay or turn it into something else to hit you. that is not normal. cptsd isnt a get out of jail free card youre still accountable for your actions. being debilitated in and of yourself is one thing but hurting people is another.
if every traumatised person were absolved of the way they treated others based on being traumatised, then a lot of us here wouldn't be able to hold anyone responsible for what we've been through.

Thissss! It doesn’t matter if your partner has CPTSD, they should not be hitting you, and from what you’re saying it sounds like she’s being abusive both emotionally and physically.