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This is me times a hundred. Any attempt to stop myself, useless, any discomfort by the recipient, only intensifies the details I give. I sometimes relish the squirming and desire to flee. It's a complicated issue for me, involving mania induced by my meds, fear of abandonment, fear of not...

I understand your search Kubash16 and hope you are able to find a good fit. I wanted to go inpatient for several years but simply didn't have the outpatient support to maintain my life or the finances to afford it. Recently, I was admitted to the mental ICU unit the day after a suicide attempt...

Again, I have SERIOUS professional help and yes it is blatantly insulting, disrespectful and unhelpful to ignore the fact that I have already disclosed this, but you think yourself so higher than thou to determine it isn't good enough. I need more serious help, better professional help or some...

Hey I am all for up front discussion and am perfectly capable of handling myself in confrontation. But if you can honestly find your above statement appropriate, you are right I am in the wrong forum. But I would hope this topic would allow people to be honest and receive support. I take it you...

Thanks for your forthrightness, blackemerald1. Unfortunately I used the Xanax up. I can be judged by the paragraphs I laid before, alone, but I am 25 years in on therapy, 13 yrs on psychotropic meds and 1 yr on alternative medical meds. I have had chronic medical conditions for a long while...

I took 85 xanax. It wasn't that special of a night, I was alone as usual, abandoned by friends and family as I have been for more than a decade. My moody boyfriend had the flu and yelled at me for being "too needy". the note I left: Sorry mom, I cannot bear to be sick one more day. But I am...

My family is stranger than most, but man o man, have they reached a new low. My 81yr old mother has been visiting for the holidays and became ill a few days ago. She insisted she didn't need to go to the hospital, but after a partial recovery day before yesterday followed by a return of all...

GREAT POST and thanks to all for such amazing insights and reveals. So much disappointment, inconvenient truths, so many friends/family gone.... it was the being forced to open my eyes, in order to survive, that not only crushed me, but also remains one of the most defining differences between...

While my view is likely not popular, I have experienced significant healing from lsd and mushrooms. They have given me catharsis and perspective in ways completely different than therapy and psychotropics. While the experience can been super intense, I do well submerged. But, I in no way suggest...

I take Adderall XR and an amphetamine mixed salt in late afternoon. I am also on Lexapro. While I don't have a huge amount of experience with other ADD meds my brief trial of Ritalin wasn't great. I tried one other ADD medication but don't recall the name. What I do recall is my desire to curl...

Believe me, I have not forgotten about this post. In fact my life seems so consumed by this dynamic recently, I can’t escape the bullies from all sides. Most dramatically, my step-father ran into a sliding glass door that caused a slow brain bleed. It wasn’t discovered for about a month. I...

PTSD immediately changed this for me. Once a "normal" sleeping/wake person, I now can be awake at any time and for a long time without discomfort. But, I prefer nights and while it goes against most peoples beliefs, I feel far safer. The shadows protect me and allow me to see without being seen...

Jen09 I am so sorry you have experienced this. I know it is not your fault, likely even in a medical facility she would have passed. But, the senses relive the trauma without your agreement. I am no expert, in any way, but I do know the guilt is a heavy weight to bear alone, especially...

Geez, I wish it was my decision planned at appropriate times, but all my life something has forced me, sometime a push, often a shove to feel my biggest fears. I know so many that simply don't have to face their difficult shiz. I have never been that person. So I guess it is God, the universe or...

Thank you. I hear you and appreciate it. Oddly it has brought me relief in many ways, like the pieces of a puzzle fell into place, opening up so many other memories. I hope you can fill some gaps, I think it helps.

I have found a willingness to remember and therefore face the past has helped me. But I had to really be ready to hold onto my seat because much of it isn't pretty. My brother insisted I was raped at the age of five by my 20 year old step brother, but I had no emotion or recollection attached...

Ugg. I feel for all of you. Don't know that I have chronic pain although I am chronically in pain. So bad this week I again was triggered. My health issues and assaults coincided so they trigger each other. I also don't trust doctors. One of my assaults was by my gyn and then I was dismissed...

Thanks for your concern EveHarrington. My shrink is aware. I am not bi-polar, I only experience mania on ssri anti-depressants. This odd phenomenon is now a diagnosis itself in the DSM. I have tried every medication practically, and combinations of meds. Turns out for now, the less than perfect...

That makes perfect sense, Mee. So with that let me confess that there were all the other friends in my life. I clung to them as if my life depended on it because I was devastated by all the loss. For me ptsd has been an experience of loss more than anything. Loss in what I thought was true, who...

I think this is a great suggestion! Although not swiftly, I finally had to cut my mother out of my life for similar reasons you share. Nothing I said persuaded her to hear me. Once she was cut out and seeking contact I told her that while I loved her, my survival was more important than our...

Yes. I totally understand. I believe it is important to evaluate relationships based on the triggers and trauma. One of my assaults was by a friend of 15 years, and his wife was one of my close friends. I knew this couple from their relative, one of my best friends. I was extremely close to an...

I have ADD. I also have drug induced mania from the anti-depressants I have taken since the assaults. In many ways I don’t care for the medication that causes this side effect but the other meds are not a possibility for one reason or another and I accepted early on in my cptsd that I would not...

Once sharp as a whip, organized, conscientious and extremely well versed in current events, I am now forgetful at best, unreliable and extremely selective in my ability to concentrate. I started my own business at the same time as being assaulted, so my need to meet the usual requirements you...

.... being too responsible, always showing up, always looking and acting as I should, and pleasing others to a sickening level.

Sorry to hear of your struggles. I have physical ailments that remain without help...... helpless, hopeless is my personal experience. I understand the struggle of fighting both physical and emotional challenges. I just awoke after 3 full days of sleep. Maybe our bodies need excessive rest to...