Hate the black hole

[Still Standing]

I was so naive to think this morning that I was finally doing well. Then I had a medical consult that went "off". I thought I was seeing a Dr. who would evaluate my entire cervical area but he only considered it in light of disc replacement. Therefore he only focused on the viability of disc replacement when I needed a full evaluation for oseoarthritis, three cervical pinched nerves and and Degenerative Disc Disease, pain in my arms, and lost arm strength. His conclusion was that nothing was "wrong" with my neck. And he said he would not even consider operating on my neck since it was full of scar tissue and he would have extreme difficulty navigating the area. I was astounded at the lack of a full consult and embarrassed that he thought I wanted my discs replaced. I came to him on a recommendation that he was the best orthopedic surgeon and I could trust his consult. I did not understand he was now only focusing on disc replacement. I reverted to my defeated, little girl-don't confront mode. I was embarrassed to think that my pain Dr would now see the report and think that I was chasing after something that was not logical; disc replacement was not my intent. This sounds dumb, I suppose. But to me, it threw me into the pit of deep hopeless depression. I have slept most of the day. Suicide has again been rolling in my head. Deep sorrow and silent sobs roll like ocean waves. Now I have to face shoulder surgery knowing that I have to wear a sling around my neck for three months, knowing that the pinched nerves and osteoarthritis in the neck are unresolved. Physical pain and emotional pain...I am so tired of it. And this next week, another epidural injection is going to be performed on the left side of my neck...by the pain Dr. It never ends. I have to be put to sleep for the procedure because PTSD activates and I react like the doc is going to attack me. Sad, huh? It seems like such a struggle to control the thoughts of suicide and those of running away. I have tried to "ground myself" but the sleep overtakes everything. If I can only close my eyes the world is shut out...

 

[pamcoco]

Sorry to hear of your struggles. I have physical ailments that remain without help...... helpless, hopeless is my personal experience. I understand the struggle of fighting both physical and emotional challenges. I just awoke after 3 full days of sleep.
Maybe our bodies need excessive rest to face the challenges.
I wish you the best in your journey. Be very, very gentle with you!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Have you ever considered seeing a Chiropractor for the pinched nerves in your neck???? I went 8 months in sever pain, enlarged muscles from cramping in my arm, and loss of some blood flow leaving my arm colder that my other arm. The pain was excruciating.... When I finally saw a dr, IMMEDIATE surgery was recommended for pinched nerve in my neck. I went to my chiropractor and in 4 visits I was fine.

Now have a pinched nerve and bursitis in my hip, and my chiropractor has retired. I trusted that man with my life and I’m scared to try another one. Saw one 4 times last yr and he f*cking creeped me out so bad I wouldn’t go back. So, now I’m stuck taking medication for now....

I feel for you. For 6 months last yr I consider suicide because the pain was almost unbearable. With the opioid crisis you can’t get pain management anymore either.

 

[Still Standing]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, understanding and suggestions. Am "better" today in that the sorrow and silent sobs are now choking whimpers. I am still in shut-down mode but it is "hideable" from hubby and others. Hubby has no clue about yesterday. He has yet to ask about the doc appointment. He is too focused on his own business matters. It is strange how one's world can be so impacting and threatening, sometimes dangerously so to one's self, yet no one else has a clue that the world seems to be imploding around them . So, I silently ride the waves until the tide is out and I am left on the beach to recover before the tide comes in and overtakes me again. As for Chiropractic intervention, my neck is almost entirely fused so adjusting it would not work. The only intervention that would work would be removal of the osteoarthritis spurs that are pinching off the nerves to my arms. In the mean time, it looks like the epidurals, ablations, and nerve blocks will just have to do. Another spinal cord stimulator is probably going to be the final solution but my PTSD activates overtime at the thought of it being put inside of me. I hate the carousel of depressive suicidal thoughts. It is so hard to control.

 

[joeylittle]

As for Chiropractic intervention, my neck is almost entirely fused so adjusting it would not work

Check out Rolfing. Might be possible for you. It’s manipulation of the fascia, soft tissue. Like chiropractics, but with the tissues instead of the bones.

 

[Still Standing]

Check out Rolfing. Might be possible for you. It’s manipulation of the fascia, soft tissue. Lik...

Thanks for the suggestion, Joeylittle. Never heard of Rolfing...Ralphing, maybe...but not Rolfing. Soooo, I looked it up. It sounds interesting. I will talk to my PT Dr. on Monday and see what he says about it. He already does Astym, which hurts bad enough. One would think with all the pain we have emotionally and physically, it would burn itself out eventually! If this were the case, I would look like a marshmallow right now!