dearcastle
New Here
I was diagnosed in February 2023 following an executive breakdown. I'm currently receiving payments from an employment insurance claim because I can no longer work... waiting for the SSA to review my SSDI application as well (I have an attorney)... it will take a year+ for SSDI to make a decision, so I live in a state of limbo with money and finances. My employment insurance claim is reviewed every 6 months and I'm currently waiting for a decision about the next 6 months (May - September) of payments. It's super hard to sit in this discomfort, just waiting for a decision, not having an answer and having zero control over the outcome.
I was in outpatient for half of last year and recently a friend who I met in PHP/IOP moved in with me. I own my home. She's great, really no issues, but yesterday she told me to "...stop doing that..." when I was questioning if I "...made her upset" about something. I feel so tongue tied and like a huge loser around her. I did not expect to feel this way, but here I am. I've had plenty of roommates, plenty of boyfriends have lived with me, but I didn't realize how shitty it would feel to live with someone again. She also have CPTSD, but her trauma is not nearly as severe and she's much higher functioning than me.
My therapist and I have been doing reprocessing with emdr since early December, but it's going to take so long and be so painful. We've only cleared 1 or 2 targets and even 1 of the targets we cleared in December has started to be an issue again. I feel like it won't work. I definitely don't want to keep going with it, but right now it feels like the only option. I pay out of pocket for this treatment, so I have a lot of anxiety about the cost and "what if" I lose my disability claims and can no longer afford to pay. (I'm already using sliding scale.)
I also have OCD and EDNOS ... had both since I was 8 or 9 (I'm 37 now). Trying to imagine a world where I don't have these anxiety disorders feels impossible. My therapist wants me to work with a dietician, but even just looking at various providers' websites makes me dysregulated. I can feel myself collapsing into a freeze state right now... sometimes I can't believe that I used to function like this ~90% of the time.
I had to do the PHQ-9 and the YBOCS assessments yesterday, and I want to throw my f*cking computer across the room. Sick of these f*cking assessments. Sometimes it seems like I'm doing so much better, but then other weeks I'm just a dysregulated mess. It's embarrassing. I'm almost 40 and I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be a normal, functioning human.
Some days the world just feels really bad, really bad. I have a support system, a care team, and a care plan, so I'm definitely not alone or in danger. I don't hurt myself and don't have many destructive/maladaptive habits anymore. My brain, though, my brain/my Self are still so sad and numbed out. My peers are married, have children, have jobs and careers, and I have 2 dogs...that's it. I don't use social media, but I still feel so left behind.... like why can't I just be a normal person...? (I know why, of course.... I am very aware of the abuse and neglect that caused all these awful symptoms, but it doesn't make it less painful.) Having this diagnosis is just shit.
Have a nice day and be safe, everyone. XO
I was in outpatient for half of last year and recently a friend who I met in PHP/IOP moved in with me. I own my home. She's great, really no issues, but yesterday she told me to "...stop doing that..." when I was questioning if I "...made her upset" about something. I feel so tongue tied and like a huge loser around her. I did not expect to feel this way, but here I am. I've had plenty of roommates, plenty of boyfriends have lived with me, but I didn't realize how shitty it would feel to live with someone again. She also have CPTSD, but her trauma is not nearly as severe and she's much higher functioning than me.
My therapist and I have been doing reprocessing with emdr since early December, but it's going to take so long and be so painful. We've only cleared 1 or 2 targets and even 1 of the targets we cleared in December has started to be an issue again. I feel like it won't work. I definitely don't want to keep going with it, but right now it feels like the only option. I pay out of pocket for this treatment, so I have a lot of anxiety about the cost and "what if" I lose my disability claims and can no longer afford to pay. (I'm already using sliding scale.)
I also have OCD and EDNOS ... had both since I was 8 or 9 (I'm 37 now). Trying to imagine a world where I don't have these anxiety disorders feels impossible. My therapist wants me to work with a dietician, but even just looking at various providers' websites makes me dysregulated. I can feel myself collapsing into a freeze state right now... sometimes I can't believe that I used to function like this ~90% of the time.
I had to do the PHQ-9 and the YBOCS assessments yesterday, and I want to throw my f*cking computer across the room. Sick of these f*cking assessments. Sometimes it seems like I'm doing so much better, but then other weeks I'm just a dysregulated mess. It's embarrassing. I'm almost 40 and I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be a normal, functioning human.
Some days the world just feels really bad, really bad. I have a support system, a care team, and a care plan, so I'm definitely not alone or in danger. I don't hurt myself and don't have many destructive/maladaptive habits anymore. My brain, though, my brain/my Self are still so sad and numbed out. My peers are married, have children, have jobs and careers, and I have 2 dogs...that's it. I don't use social media, but I still feel so left behind.... like why can't I just be a normal person...? (I know why, of course.... I am very aware of the abuse and neglect that caused all these awful symptoms, but it doesn't make it less painful.) Having this diagnosis is just shit.
Have a nice day and be safe, everyone. XO
