Sexual Assault So bothersome- lack of memory! is there any chance of recovery?

[WishfulThinking123]

I realize that I cant remember the majority of my sexual history. I only remember losing my V to rape which I disassociated...so missing the middle part and I disassociated in every encounter since. I'll remember incidents/certain things but, dont even know where on timeline it occurred and then about half of my sexual partners I dont recall at all (I know how many there were because, I counted them at one point so, I knew them at one point)- I cant even remember who my 2cnd one was after my rape which I think would be extremely helpful to know if this was a bad or good experience but, who am I kidding- since there were so many assaults and more rape but, I just wish I could remember. Honestly I think even in my marriage I'm probably not remembering everything- all of the abuse. I wish I could just know...I wish there weren't all of these blanks... Is there any chance of me ever recovering these memories?

 

[pamcoco]

I have found a willingness to remember and therefore face the past has helped me. But I had to really be ready to hold onto my seat because much of it isn't pretty.

My brother insisted I was raped at the age of five by my 20 year old step brother, but I had no emotion or recollection attached. But after focusing on remembering anything and everything, one night while watching a movie about a similar subject it simply came back to me fully.

It now seems odd that I thought I didn't remember. For me if I realize I always remembered but had framed it as "love", oddly.

He groomed me with fairy tales about our undying love, he my prince. I was absolutely absorbed with him.

Sexually he provided inappropriate information far beyond my age, and the aftermath of that soaked me in shame. Never once did I consider this learned, I always loathed my deviance.

Sadly this set me up as the perfect victim, always willing to blame myself for the assault.

Trust yourself to only recall what you can handle. I believe it will come.....

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I'm so sorry that happened truly...

 

[pamcoco]

I'm so sorry that happened truly...

Thank you. I hear you and appreciate it. Oddly it has brought me relief in many ways, like the pieces of a puzzle fell into place, opening up so many other memories.

I hope you can fill some gaps, I think it helps.

 

[Freida]

EMDR is a good tool for digging up those old memories and putting them in place -- but it is pretty brutal. You might ask your t about it???