Childhood Bothersome Thinking - I want the trauma, I want the pain, just so my depression and disorders could be justified to my mother.

[Iso]

When I was around 7-9 I was at my grandparents house, I was sick and was taking a nap on my grandma’s couch only to all of a sudden wake up to my cousin (same age range) crawling on top of me and unbuckling his pants

He didn’t get far thankfully because my uncle just came from work and caught him in the act yelling at him just before my cousin could go any further

My grandma found out about this, and unfortunately not only was my near-assailant punished but so was I

For no reason, I remember crying trying to explain why I didn’t push him away and that I was sleeping, I froze, I had no clue what I could have done in that situation but around my teen years I became resentful of men and my grandmother

My uncle saved me, but my mother made me forgive my cousin and even HUG him

I was in shock most likely, I don’t recall feeling anything after I was almost raped by my cousin

My mom convinced herself I was fine when it was her responsibility to get me help just in case

I was too young to put together what happened to me

I’m afraid to take naps, I don’t nap ever and I can’t relax around men, I always feel like they’ll get further than my cousin but all throughout my teen years nothing happened

And ironically, it made me feel unwanted, I started specializing myself in hopes of a man really wanting to take away my virginity forcefully if it meant someone would want me

I also began to obsess over teens who were my age who were raped, I wasn’t jealous I was horrified but I couldn’t stop looking at articles over and over, I’d think about it all day

I’d look at cats, CATS! And associate them as child rape victims

It’s been hard

I don’t know why I’m like this, I was also targeted by two older boys in kindergarten who were grooming me for something more but also never got the chance because we had moved

I never told my mother, she’s emotionally unavailable unless she “chooses” to be

I just, I want to be sure I’m not the only one with these disgusting thoughts

I’m scared of being raped this is no simple fantasy and I know it’s not, I want the trauma I want the pain just so my depression and disorders could be justified to my mother who ignored my needs through childhood

But I just can’t understand why I’m like this

 

[Friday]

my depression and disorders could be justified

Is PTSD one of those disorders?

my mother who ignored my needs through childhood

Has she changed so significantly in the intervening years that you can reasonably expect her NOT to ignore your desires as an adult?

 

[Iso]

Is PTSD one of those disorders?


Has she changed so significantly in the intervening years that you can reasonably expect her NOT to ignore your desires as an adult?

Yes, CTPSD

And she doesn’t change, she’s still the same as ever

Even as an adult she will forever view me as someone who has “tarnished” her image as a parent because I was mentally ill as a teenager, and still am

That woman will never care, unfortunately I’ve just had to come to terms with it, I lived comfortably in my physical home, but whenever she was home, eggshells, eggshells. Always something was wrong, whether it be what I was wearing at home trying to relax, to my cleaned room, she’d find something wrong

Always.

Our communication is pretty restricted unless something comes up or dire happens

Won’t bother mentioning the “other parent”, he’s not important and he’s just the same if not worse

 

[Friday]

Yes, CTPSD

I just, I want to be sure I’m not the only one with these disgusting thoughts

Sounds like you’re dealing with some pretty heavy cognitive distortions & core beliefs… which means the thoughts themselves may vary… but all of us with PTSD do it, to greater or lesser extent. We have a whole subforum here just for threads discussing this kind of bothersome thinking. Core Beliefs / Cognitive Distortions

There articles below? Are a FANTASTIC place to start.

Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts

How many times have you heard yourself say, "I can't?" Everyone has these moments. Problems can seem too intricate to solve, and challenges can appear too difficult to face. For people living with PTSD, there is an additional piece that will easily make anything seem impossible: negative...

www.myptsd.com

Primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)

Cognitive distortion forms the backbone of PTSD. Whether you know it or not, all moods and behavioral patterns originate from your cognitions-- your thoughts. The first thing that happens is a thought, and then a mood or behavior occurs. When you allow an area of your life to become dominated...

www.myptsd.com

 

[Iso]

Sounds like you’re dealing with some pretty heavy cognitive distortions & core beliefs… which means the thoughts themselves may vary… but all of us with PTSD do it, to greater or lesser extent. We have a whole subforum here just for threads discussing this kind of bothersome thinking. Core Beliefs / Cognitive Distortions

There articles below? Are a FANTASTIC place to start.

Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts

How many times have you heard yourself say, "I can't?" Everyone has these moments. Problems can seem too intricate to solve, and challenges can appear too difficult to face. For people living with PTSD, there is an additional piece that will easily make anything seem impossible: negative...

www.myptsd.com

Primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)

Cognitive distortion forms the backbone of PTSD. Whether you know it or not, all moods and behavioral patterns originate from your cognitions-- your thoughts. The first thing that happens is a thought, and then a mood or behavior occurs. When you allow an area of your life to become dominated...

www.myptsd.com

I appreciate this, thank you, really

 

[Movingforward10]

I’m scared of being raped this is no simple fantasy and I know it’s not, I want the trauma I want the pain just so my depression and disorders could be justified to my mother who ignored my needs through childhood

I suspect that whatever happened to you, whatever it may have been (attempted rape, rape, rape x100000), your mother would have been/would still be emotionally unavailable to you. Because that's how she is. You don't need more trauma to accept it or justify it. It's learning to accept that what you went through is enough proof. You don't need more.



The thing about cognitive distortions is that they can be changed. They really can. And it is so freeing when they do.
Can you give yourself counter messages?
For example, if you're looking up stories of rape, can you tell yourself you don't need to do that right now and replace it with doing something else?
Or when you are scared to nap, can you tell yourself napping is safe, and you are in your home and no one unsafe is there? Bring yourself back to the safe here and now.