When I was around 7-9 I was at my grandparents house, I was sick and was taking a nap on my grandma’s couch only to all of a sudden wake up to my cousin (same age range) crawling on top of me and unbuckling his pants
He didn’t get far thankfully because my uncle just came from work and caught him in the act yelling at him just before my cousin could go any further
My grandma found out about this, and unfortunately not only was my near-assailant punished but so was I
For no reason, I remember crying trying to explain why I didn’t push him away and that I was sleeping, I froze, I had no clue what I could have done in that situation but around my teen years I became resentful of men and my grandmother
My uncle saved me, but my mother made me forgive my cousin and even HUG him
I was in shock most likely, I don’t recall feeling anything after I was almost raped by my cousin
My mom convinced herself I was fine when it was her responsibility to get me help just in case
I was too young to put together what happened to me
I’m afraid to take naps, I don’t nap ever and I can’t relax around men, I always feel like they’ll get further than my cousin but all throughout my teen years nothing happened
And ironically, it made me feel unwanted, I started specializing myself in hopes of a man really wanting to take away my virginity forcefully if it meant someone would want me
I also began to obsess over teens who were my age who were raped, I wasn’t jealous I was horrified but I couldn’t stop looking at articles over and over, I’d think about it all day
I’d look at cats, CATS! And associate them as child rape victims
It’s been hard
I don’t know why I’m like this, I was also targeted by two older boys in kindergarten who were grooming me for something more but also never got the chance because we had moved
I never told my mother, she’s emotionally unavailable unless she “chooses” to be
I just, I want to be sure I’m not the only one with these disgusting thoughts
I’m scared of being raped this is no simple fantasy and I know it’s not, I want the trauma I want the pain just so my depression and disorders could be justified to my mother who ignored my needs through childhood
But I just can’t understand why I’m like this
He didn’t get far thankfully because my uncle just came from work and caught him in the act yelling at him just before my cousin could go any further
My grandma found out about this, and unfortunately not only was my near-assailant punished but so was I
For no reason, I remember crying trying to explain why I didn’t push him away and that I was sleeping, I froze, I had no clue what I could have done in that situation but around my teen years I became resentful of men and my grandmother
My uncle saved me, but my mother made me forgive my cousin and even HUG him
I was in shock most likely, I don’t recall feeling anything after I was almost raped by my cousin
My mom convinced herself I was fine when it was her responsibility to get me help just in case
I was too young to put together what happened to me
I’m afraid to take naps, I don’t nap ever and I can’t relax around men, I always feel like they’ll get further than my cousin but all throughout my teen years nothing happened
And ironically, it made me feel unwanted, I started specializing myself in hopes of a man really wanting to take away my virginity forcefully if it meant someone would want me
I also began to obsess over teens who were my age who were raped, I wasn’t jealous I was horrified but I couldn’t stop looking at articles over and over, I’d think about it all day
I’d look at cats, CATS! And associate them as child rape victims
It’s been hard
I don’t know why I’m like this, I was also targeted by two older boys in kindergarten who were grooming me for something more but also never got the chance because we had moved
I never told my mother, she’s emotionally unavailable unless she “chooses” to be
I just, I want to be sure I’m not the only one with these disgusting thoughts
I’m scared of being raped this is no simple fantasy and I know it’s not, I want the trauma I want the pain just so my depression and disorders could be justified to my mother who ignored my needs through childhood
But I just can’t understand why I’m like this