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That would be really frustrating. Hopefully there's a class taught by someone else who acts professionally you can go to, @Wilbur. I think working out is good for us - when there aren't jerks involved...

Going to finally go back to the gym this morning... When I got my new tattoo last week I forgot I wouldn't be able to work out until it was healed enough... Along with all the flashbacks, I haven't been able to exercise at all. I'm realizing that going to the gym really lowers my stress...

Today has just about killed me. But I remembered the “smelling salts” like lavender, so I got out my little bottle of “Christmas Wreath” and took a sniff. That ended the flashback. Fast. It’s been intense the last few days. We went and saw the IMAX documentary Apollo 11. Which I remember...

And the hits just keep on coming.... I've had the most intense flashbacks I've ever had.... Remembering new things.... that I don't want to be true... At least a flashback a day, and today I've had three... I don't want to put the pieces together.... it hurts too much.... Each time, I'm back...

Thanks. Yeah, it improved... I finally got up the nerve to call the Insurance Company, and the person I sort of went nuts on calmly told me that it can take a month for them to pay, but I shouldn't worry... They definitely didn't stop paying for therapy. I felt relief, but also embarrassed to...

Damn... now you're making me cry. I have EMDR this afternoon. That is, if he doesn't cancel after he finds out insurance hasn't paid him since January. I guess I'll go to work, and try to make it through the day. Thanks for always being there @somerandomguy

I actually changed insurance to a "better" plan on January 1st because my old one did this to me.... At least that crappy plan didn't stop paying until November... This one paid for one month. I hate the healthcare system here. There are a lot of things I love about living here. Insurance is...

I was doing so good this week. I was in a better mood, got my tattoo, then this morning find out that my insurance stopped paying for EMDR and therapy at the end of January. I hate my life. 6:30 in the morning, and my day is already wrecked. I’m falling apart… It just never ends… Every time...

Yep, a 58 year old millennial with all his tattoos... And not caring what people think. I've always been terrified with how people see me... I wanted to be invisible most of the time... They screwed me up so badly that my teenage years didn't start til recently! Maybe when I'm 80, I'll...

Well, I did it... Got the new tat... on my calf instead of my bicep... with just initials instead of the words... Don't want to scare people... (Too much) After it was done, I realized that I actually got a tattoo that says positive things about myself - not sure anyone else would get it, but...

So just went to my doctor... Had to do a Depression Inventory (again...), and my score has gone way down... Maybe the EMDR is doing good things... And tomorrow I'm going to get one of my tattoos worked on by the guy who gave me all my tats... Since it's on my bicep, i can hide it when i need to...

Latest update... Had to take an online course on self-care... I figured it was gonna be a piece of cake - discussing meditation, eating right, journaling, etc.... It's been a ton of work, and my grade keeps going down as I hand in assignments. I got 80% on my first assignment, and then 40% on...

I tend to forget stuff from my flashbacks after they're done, so I write as I'm having them, then send them to my therapist. That way, I have to deal with stuff, even if my mind has decided to forget it... All I have to do is re-read it, and it all comes back. Which I guess is good. My...

I went back to take a picture of it... I was actually emotional and shed a tear or two.... But still feel good that I did it. ?

Did something tonight that might show I'm getting better... Had the most intense EMDR session I've ever had about my father raping me in my parents' bed. I remembered a lot of things in the room. There used to be an old 1950's Clock Radio next to their bed. The radio I have had sitting on...

I'm not very experienced at accepting help... Maybe I'll have to try...

I have a hard time with just "taking" or needing support. I've spent a long time ignoring my needs... When I need support I beat myself up... I'm getting over the self-blame for the abuse, but I need to work on feeling like it's ok to ask for help. Just writing that is really tough... I'm...

I haven't been in a very social mood lately... I think the EMDR is definitely bringing stuff up... For the last couple of weeks, I've been having a major flashback (or two, or three) every night. It's been kicking my butt. I swear there are nights that I've gone to bed at 8 because I'm so...

I can't even fight traffic in LA any more without listening to books like The Body Keeps the Score.... I have to force myself to relax.... and practice meditating.... Otherwise I'd work on stuff 24/7!

My T keeps telling me I'm doing amazingly well, and that he thinks the EMDR is helping... I'm still having all kinds of flashbacks, but there are other times when I realize I'm starting to sometimes feel a lot different than even a few months ago. ?

One thing my childhood taught me was how to deal with chaos. I'm just starting to learn to appreciate that I survived hell..... So, I think you might be right... :hug:

I think you must be confusing me with someone else. ? (But thanks.... I'm working on the whole adult thing....)

I think I wrote too soon... After talking with my T, who thought I could handle the program, I decided against it... I can always decide later, once I'm deciding without feeling like I'm in a panic... I signed up for one class, which should be enough for cancelling my pay cut at least. But...

I'm not sure I'd fit into academia too well when I graduate - at 63... But I figure it seems there's a definite need for decent psychologists out there who understand trauma.... and I could work for myself if I wanted to... I have friends who are university professors, and they have told me...

Oh, and I really appreciate you checking in how I'm doing. :hug: