Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[PTSDGuy]

Sometimes we make those kind of relationship choices, yes.

I guess time will tell?

Have you asked him to come to a therapy session with you?

Maybe it could be good to just have a general conversation with you, him and your T about how it's difficult for partners to deal with PTSD and what might be helpful, what he find difficult, etc... ?

Maybe best to ask/ suggest this once he's calmed down tho and isn't feeling negative about/ overwhelmed by your PTSD stuff?

I've re-written a response to your message about 10 times... I'm just too upset to answer.. but I really appreciate your insights, @Sophy

 

[PTSDGuy]

The more I deal with all of this stuff, the more I realize how f*cked up I am... I wish I'd dealt with this stuff 20 years ago, instead of at this age... I tell myself I wasn't ready, but I'm sure not ready now either....

 

[PTSDGuy]

Feeling much less negative today.. Had EMDR yesterday.... and even though I felt like I was hit by a truck afterwards, I think it was good...

I think yesterday was the toughest session yet... I let myself feel whatever I felt or was thinking.... The first few sessions, I kept trying to force myself to only deal with the memory we were working on... If "non-related" stuff came up, I tried to ignore it... I thought I was doing it wrong... This time, I just shared whatever I thought. I figured if I was doing it wrong, the T would tell me.

My mind was bouncing around like a ping-pong ball... From getting raped, to being mocked by my whole family at the dinner table, to disgust and anger at my "family".... I think I might be getting the hang of EMDR...

When I was working on one of my memories of getting raped, I felt ANGER... Every time the T asked me what I was feeling, all I could think of was how much I wish I'd taken his damn revolver and blown off my father's head...

As terrifying as that sounds, what kept coming up during previous sessions was wanting to use the gun on myself while I was being abused... So wanting to use it on him during a flashback might be a good thing....

Damn, it's really hard to even write that... Even though I'm filled with anger, letting it out always feels really dangerous.

But who knows, maybe this stuff is helping.... Last night, I decided to start a "positives" list... I've been noticing things I never really noticed before... I was driving towards mountains yesterday, and suddenly noticed how beautiful they are... It rained in LA for days, and they were amazingly green. Later, I went to use my phone, and suddenly noticed how bright the colors were.... It was like I'd never really seen them before...

Weird... Maybe it's EMDR related.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[bellbird]

Damn, it's really hard to even write that... Even though I'm filled with anger, letting it out always feels really dangerous

Yep, because we are taught that all anger is a bad thing. Which is totally incorrect.

I think journaling about it her, and speaking to your T about it, are two completely healthy ways of releasing that anger in a controlled manner.

And I definitely think that switch between wanting to turn the gun on yourself and then on to your father instead.
Like your subconscious suddenly clicked that you were not to blame for what happened to you.

Makes total sense that you would be feeling a lot of anger after that.

Last night, I decided to start a "positives" list... I've been noticing things I never really noticed before...

suddenly noticed how bright the colors were...

This bit made me smile so big for ya.
Awesome that you are having these experiences, awesome that you are able to notice them, and awesome idea to write them down in a positives list.

You're taking strides.
:hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

And I definitely think that switch between wanting to turn the gun on yourself and then on to your father instead.
Like your subconscious suddenly clicked that you were not to blame for what happened to you.

Makes total sense that you would be feeling a lot of anger after that.

It's strange, if anyone had asked me if I was angry even a year ago, I would have said "no"... I didn't even know how to know if I was angry if I wasn't yelling - I never even realized you could feel it in your body... I'm starting to feel like an anger expert at this point!

Awesome that you are having these experiences, awesome that you are able to notice them, and awesome idea to write them down in a positives list.

In a strange way, going through this hell is almost enjoyable when things like that happen... I think in a lot of ways, I had sort of "shut off"... Because if you notice good things, you might also notice bad things... and at this point, there's no going back...

(I guess "strange" is my word for the day.)

 

[bellbird]

I think in a lot of ways, I had sort of "shut off"... Because if you notice good things, you might also notice bad things... and at this point, there's no going back...

Yep, very relatable.
It seems you're headed in the right direction though.
And those instances, as you say, make our journeys bearable.

(I guess "strange" is my word for the day.)

Awesome that you are having these experiences, awesome that you are able to notice them, and awesome idea to write them down in a positives list.

And apparently "awesome" is mine ;)

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am sorry you went through that, and I thought my 40 years was a lot.

 

[somerandomguy]

Hey - everything ok?

 

[PTSDGuy]

Yeah, I think I'm OK... It's been a crazy time... The place where I work is being taken over by a new place. We have heard for months that our pay would go up. By $10,000. I had visions of being able to buy a new car with the extra money... and then I got my new contract in the mail, and it said I'd be getting a $20,000 pay CUT...

I called the new place, and they knew who I was instantly before I even said my name. Turns out out of 180 people, I'm the only person getting a pay cut. To get to the higher pay I was expecting I need to take 10 graduate level classes. I got off the phone and cried.

.... and then the next day I applied to a program to get my PsyD in Psychology... Doing a PsyD means 20 something classes over 4 years or so... I calculated it all, and doing the degree will almost pay for itself through salary increases over that time. and decided to send in all my transcripts, did an interview, wrote an entrance essay on why I want to get a PsyD, and then I crashed and burned for a few days...

In my entrance essay, I talked about how I was abused as a kid and am dealing with PTSD, and would like to become a psychologist to work with other survivors of trauma. I figured I needed to be open about it from the beginning. If they can't handle someone with PTSD in a Psychology program, it wouldn't be right for me.

Sending everything in sent me into self-attack mode. I spent the next few days finding reasons why the whole thing was ridiculous idea - from "I'm too old", to "I'm too damaged to ever think I could work with people with PTSD" to "They aren't going to accept me because I have PTSD"... to "You're too stupid" to "They'll just turn me down, why did I waste my time?"

Yesterday I got an acceptance letter. ?

Tonight I'm going to talk it all over with my T... I figure he'll know about the school and the program, and whether he thinks I could handle 4 or 5 years of classes, along with (real life) internships. Plus working full time... Or if he thinks I'd be able to even handle being a therapist eventually.

I'll sign my acceptance letter tomorrow after he helps me decide.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Oh, and I really appreciate you checking in how I'm doing. :hug:

 

[somerandomguy]

Wow, you work for some real bastards. They have the f*cking gall to increase your workload, and then give you a paycut? That's crazy.

But getting a PsyD would be amazing. Not everyone with a PsyD becomes a therapist, you know - lots of people do research or administration too.