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Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

I think I wrote too soon... After talking with my T, who thought I could handle the program, I decided against it... I can always decide later, once I'm deciding without feeling like I'm in a panic... I signed up for one class, which should be enough for cancelling my pay cut at least.

But thank you @Sophy (and @somerandomguy and @bellbird of course) I have no idea how I've managed to handle all of this without going into a downward spiral. But I'm managing to somehow deal with it like a rational adult ?

It’s good you can go slowly and take one class at a time, hopefully building up as you go.

I just started to stabilize and my therapist knows how hard I’ve been working. She says I need another year of stability before going back to school. Unfortunately I don’t have the benefit of taking one class at a time. Each cohort takes all classes together.
 
I haven't been in a very social mood lately... I think the EMDR is definitely bringing stuff up... For the last couple of weeks, I've been having a major flashback (or two, or three) every night. It's been kicking my butt. I swear there are nights that I've gone to bed at 8 because I'm so wiped out.

I guess it's good... I've gone from having flashes of what happened to reliving more and more parts of the abuse... but every time I feel like I'm on an even keel, a flashback throws my brain back into chaos.

Even had a flashback this week while I was sitting in my T's waiting room. By the time I got to see him, I was shaking, cold, hyperventilating, terrified and wanting to hide... That really freaked me out...

I haven't been here because I'm always needing support. I'm too much of a mess to offer support to anyone else, so I just shut up...
 
Hey. About this. I think everyone goes through phases of needing more/less support, and able to offer more/less. Plus people are at different stages etc. You're fine. You're here for you, not for us.

I have a hard time with just "taking" or needing support. I've spent a long time ignoring my needs... When I need support I beat myself up... I'm getting over the self-blame for the abuse, but I need to work on feeling like it's ok to ask for help.

Just writing that is really tough... I'm sitting here crying... and trying hard not to call myself names for not being able to handle things on my own.
 
Here's a thought ... This place is a safe and relatively easy way to practice accepting support.

And there are tons of us who are very willing to offer up that support with no strings attached.

I am much better at asking for and receiving help when I need it IRL because of this message board.

I'm not very experienced at accepting help... Maybe I'll have to try...
 
Did something tonight that might show I'm getting better...

Had the most intense EMDR session I've ever had about my father raping me in my parents' bed. I remembered a lot of things in the room.

There used to be an old 1950's Clock Radio next to their bed. The radio I have had sitting on a shelf in every bedroom I've had since I moved out of their place... 37 years ago. It didn't ever work.... but I kept it...

Every time I've ever walked into my bedrooms , I've always noticed it - and thought about my father. Until tonight.

When I got home, the husband was cleaning up and throwing things out. I walked over to "the Clock Radio", picked it up, and threw it in the garbage.

f*ck him.
 
That sounds like me. Except I don't say it to my therapist, I say it in my head. 'This is too hard!' and 'I can't handle this!'
Your comment is a good reminder that I actually clearly can, because I have been, haha.

You're actually doing GREAT to be able to say that to your therapist.
To my therapist, I make jokes and deflect and change the subject 100 times. Sigh.
Someday, I, too, will be able to complain to my therapist!! I have a goal! LOL! :)

I write poetry telling therapist how I feel- that helps b/c words flow on paper but not out of my mouth. I turn stupid when I get there and can’t seem to retrieve words in therapy. Trauma/multiple TBIs/seizure disorder plus 50 years of seizure meds plus therapy and an emotional convo-can b super challenging.
 
I write poetry telling therapist how I feel- that helps b/c words flow on paper but not out of my mouth. I turn stupid when I get there and can’t seem to retrieve words in therapy. Trauma/multiple TBIs/seizure disorder plus 50 years of seizure meds plus therapy and an emotional convo-can b super challenging.

I tend to forget stuff from my flashbacks after they're done, so I write as I'm having them, then send them to my therapist. That way, I have to deal with stuff, even if my mind has decided to forget it... All I have to do is re-read it, and it all comes back. Which I guess is good.

My therapist is lucky I'm not writing poetry.. The guy would probably read one poem I wrote and decide he doesn't want to be a therapist any more! ?
 
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